Things are changing again. It’s supposedly a good change, so why am I left so confused? What are all these feelings?
A heaviness has settled deep inside my body and soul.
The words are lost in my head; explanations and sense hidden.
Why does it feel like my time is coming to an end?
This past week has been a difficult one for me. There was another episode with the dad, one that left me feeling terrified and paranoid for days. My body and senses on high alert.
The current state and chaos going on in the country and the world didn’t help with the paranoia. As the lockdown continues and so much uncertainty remains, each week that goes by seems to get more and more challenging. It seems harder to find and hold onto hope and positivity. To keep going strong.
I can’t control what’s happening in the world. In my country. But I can control my actions. And once again I’ve allowed myself to become absorbed in, and consumed by the negativity taking place on social media. I know the effect it has on me, and I also know that there’s a lot of misinformation out there. When I’m already feeling angry and anxious, reading certain posts, the comments, and commenting myself, increases that ten-fold. I should know better, yet I allowed myself to ignore the warnings. That’s on me. And so, yet again, I’m making the decision to step back.
The breakthrough came in, and after, my therapy session. Leaving the house and driving to my appointment filled me with anxiety. The thoughts that I was being watched, followed, and would be pulled over and hurt, felt overwhelming. The thoughts and feelings followed me into my therapists office.
After a while I started feeling more contained. I’m so fortunate and extremely grateful that I get to see my therapist in person and have that safe space to go to each week. It’s been my saving grace so many times. So has she. Therapist has a calming effect on me, and I really needed that this week. She basically reiterated that I need to do what makes me feel contained, safe, and regulated, no matter how “weird” it may seem to myself and others.
So I’ve doubled down on my self-care and using my coping and emotion regulation tools. I’ve let go of all the expectations and pressure I’ve been putting on myself. There’s a time and place for that, and now is not that time. Thankfully the paranoia I’ve been experiencing has slowly faded.
What really helps through all of this is the connection I have (and feel) with my therapist. Physical distancing is hard on all of us, but knowing that there are people who care, even if it’s just one person, goes a long way. I had a lovely dream about my previous therapist, and sent her a message to tell her about it. And as usual, she replied. It’s so nice, and healing, to know that our connection is still there. That she’s still around, still cares, and hasn’t forgotten me.
This is such a challenging time. But we are resilient and can weather the storm. We’ve got this. ❤
You might have noticed that I’ve made a lot of my previous posts password protected. I’ve been thinking of doing that a lot over the years, but now I feel it’s necessary. In today’s digital world it’s becoming easier and easier to get private information from people and determine their identity from the various things we put out there. I feel I have used too many identifiable marks in this blog through the years, therefore making it easier for someone to perhaps “recognize” me… The wrong person, or people.
I’ve had various scary experiences online which shook me, and I don’t want to have to go through something like that (or similar) again (I’m still dealing with one of them). I’ll continue to write personal posts, but will be more careful about the type and amount of details I’m putting out there, so I don’t have to resort to protecting any more posts.
If you’re a regular reader and would like access to these posts, you can contact me to request the password.
People are getting restless.
People are getting bored.
Anger rising more and more each day,
With each abuse of power,
Each senseless regulation,
And corruption growing worse.
The poor are suffering and dying,
Not from the invisible threat,
That’s gripping the world,
But from the lack of governance,
And utter disrespect.
Watch out, the people will rise.
They will come for you,
With no place to hide, no place to run,
You’ll realize, too late,
Just what you’ve done.
“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo. “So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
(The Fellowship of the Ring, J.R.R. Tolkien)
