Light and Wilderness

Life is strange. I am strange. I had forgotten that there was a pandemic going on. And that it was the Easter weekend. How did that happen so quickly? Didn’t the year basically just start?

I had run out of food and some other necessities, and managed to return to the real world just in time to sort that out.

I had made an appointment with the interim therapist and only discovered it the next day. Way to go dissociation! But I think it was the right thing to do. So, my brain does have my back sometimes it seems.

The move? Didn’t happen. Two days before the time, I woke up to a message saying that due to unforeseen circumstances they had to cancel. For the first time in days I actually felt something. Not sure what that feeling was. But I couldn’t stop laughing. Weird. The place I was currently staying in had someone moving into it the day after I left, so couldn’t stay. I spent hours trying to find another place, but most of those I found within my budget were already booked. At some point during this process, panic showed up.

Funny thing is that up until then I had only managed to pack one big box, which was just less than half my stuff. So no need now to rush-pack after all.

I phoned M, because I knew she had a spare bedroom, and explained the situation to her. Asked if I could just stay for the month of April while I find another place or wait for one of them to have a room available again. I was going to pay her upfront for that month of course. She told me that it’s not a problem, but she’ll let me know for sure later that day. I was a bit worried because the guy who’s renting from her (and is like her surrogate son, subconsciously replacing her son who passed away, in my opinion) is rude to everyone but her. Even M’s friends don’t like him, saying he’s manipulative. I agree with that, but it’s her life. I was sure that she meant it when she said she was okay with it, but that the “I’ll let you know for sure later today” was so she could discuss it with him.

Late that evening I got a message from her with nothing but two links to places found on a local marketplace website (a website where dodgy people love hanging out). The places were old listings. Not helpful. When she didn’t reply to my message, I knew… that was her way of saying it wasn’t going to happen. So now I had that evening and one day to find another place. And you can’t call people at that time of the evening. I was pissed off. Hurt. Overwhelmed. Exhaustion hit me and all systems went offline again. Don’t tell me something is okay, and then change your mind, but not talk to me about it in a truthful and direct manner. Ignore me. Why do people play games like this? Just come straight out and say “no” or whatever it is you want to say. The worst part of it is that M knows that I need honesty and openness. Even if it hurts, I handle it.

My two best friends were also going to be moving the same day I was due to. I phoned them to ask if they could possibly help me out. But since it was a new place they didn’t want to ask the landlord whether it would be okay to have another person move in as well. They actually made the effort to have the open and honest discussion with me, so I have no ill-feelings towards them.

Thankfully my last shot was my saving grace. I went to speak to the owners of the place I’m currently staying in and explained the situation. Asked whether there was any other way. Or knew of any other places I could stay. The lady said that she’d see whether they could make a plan. Turns out that the guy that was going to be staying in my place was only going to be here for a week. The owners managed to sort it out with him, so I could stay. I can’t explain the relief and gratitude I felt. It worked out!

When I had first found that other place I was anxious (moving is stressful, no matter how great the move), but excited to be moving back to an area I knew and loved and was so close to the beach, bus service, M and doggy. That place was also dog friendly, so M’s precious little girl could stay with me for a few days and we could go for walks on the beach (which was only 5 minutes away). I was also planning on volunteering at the dog shelter again as I could actually get there by bus.

So yes, while I’m extremely grateful that I have a roof over my head, I’m also very disappointed that that place hadn’t worked out. But such is life and there’s nothing I can do about it. Oh, and I have to stay here now until I finally get to move to Sweden, as my dad doesn’t want anything like that happening again.

I’m still floating between here and nowhere. Some days I’m actually able to work and study for 10-30 minutes at a time here and there. So that’s good at least. Every little bit helps. When your executive functioning is in a state of disorder, you’ve got to take the small wins when they occur.

My uncle is still in hospital. But apparently there are some good signs for a change. Wish I could see him. Sent him a message and asked my aunt to let him listen to it. That’s better than nothing.

I don’t feel the connection with my therapist anymore. It’s like it just vanished. Like she never really existed. Yes, that again. But it doesn’t feel bad anymore. I’m thinking that it’s only temporary and a product of my self-protective mode. She said she’ll be back, and I want to believe that exclusively, but I don’t. I also don’t believe that she won’t come back. There’s not really any emotion going on with regards to this. We’ll see what happens.

It Just Is.

I’ve reached a point where I just can’t fight anymore. With anyone in my head or against anything. I don’t have the strength for that anymore. It’s also just a waste of time.

Decided that I need to let go of a friend who keeps hurting me and did something behind my back that felt like a huge slap in the face. I held on to that relationship because I’m so damn desperate for connection that I was willing to put up with her behaviour toward me and some other people in my life. I can’t do that anymore. I won’t.

I seem to have regressed to my childhood and adolescent ways of coping. Daydreaming and being content in my own world. I can control everything that happens there. And I’m actually okay with that. It feels like a good thing. It’s comfortable and warm being there. Familiar. It got me through rough times, so while some might think it’s not healthy, to me it is. I’ve realized that I’m better off by myself, and will just keep doing what I need to. Let the world go on around me. That’s how life works after all. We go with the flow. If someone wants to meet up for coffee or whatever, I’ll obviously go along with it. But no more reaching out myself. It’s been pointless 99% of the time after all.

Not sure when I’ll see my therapist again because of the maternity leave. But I’m okay with that now. I’ve also decided to not see the interim therapist again. Need a therapy break anyway. Managed fine without it for most of my life, so at the moment therapy feels kind of pointless. Don’t want to run the risk of forming an attachment with the interim therapist as well. Attachment is too complicated and painful.

Probably going to start packing today for yet another move on Thursday. Will be moving into a much cheaper place. I’m usually super anxious with moving, but been numb since yesterday afternoon when it seems I finally settled into this state of not really caring. It’s a comfortable numbness.

So I’m okay.

Thanks to all of you who read and comment on my posts. 🙂

Too Far Gone

I don’t trust anyone.

Because people lie. They say things when they mean the opposite. Make promises they don’t keep. They disappoint and hurt you.

Yes, I’m selfish. Because that’s what I need to be right now.

Don’t know where to turn anymore. Don’t know how trust will ever be restored.

So fuck it all.

Nightmares & The Dark

I’m having a hard time with my sleeping routine.

I’m naturally a night owl, so go to bed quite late. I try to go to bed before 2am though. Sometimes I manage that, other times not so much. I usually wake up sometime between 10 and 11am.

At least that’s how it used to be.

I’m craving the blissful state of non-existence for a while, but instead I’m bombarded with nightmare after nightmare. The really bad ones wake me up in a panic and it takes me a couple of hours to be able to turn the light off again and go back to sleep. The dark is deafening. Terrifying. I’m acutely aware how alone I am in those moments. At night the monsters are lurking in the closet, under my bed. Sitting on the edge of my bed, watching me. Waiting.

My longest continuous sleep time over the past two weeks has been 3 hours. This broken sleep is obviously making things worse. Sleeping until 3pm, because I was up for hours, too scared to go to sleep. Or having fallen asleep and woken up after yet another terrifying dream. So many people from my past in some of those dreams. Lies, betrayals, violence, death. So much blood and death.

Saturday and Sunday were two of the worst days I’ve had in years. I honestly don’t know how I got through it. Maybe I didn’t after all, and I’m not actually alive right now. I wanted to go into the clinic, but couldn’t get there. I didn’t know where to turn. Everyone seemed to have abandoned me. Unanswered messages. Cancelled visits and meetups.

New complications with regards to my uncle. I just want him to come out of this already. He has to. I can’t lose him, I just can’t. I had spoken to him a few days before he went into hospital, because he had sent me money for my birthday, which was so appreciated (more than he could ever know). I need to hear his voice again. We need him.

I need my mommy. There’s that. Even though everytime I’ve been with her, there’s never that mother-daughter bond and feeling, more like just a friendship. But she’s my mom, and I love and miss her. I’ve never been able to cry in front of her. But still, I long for that comfort of not being alone when I cry. When I’m not feeling good. The reality is never quite like the imagination, is it?

Remembered on Wednesday that my therapist had told me that I could email her while she’s gone if I need to. So I did just that. I wasn’t writing from a very present state of mind and it wasn’t a long email. I told her I was angry with her for reasons I can’t quiet think of. Told her I was thinking that maybe she wasn’t coming back. That she didn’t feel real anymore.

She replied that same evening. That didn’t feel real either. I wasn’t expecting a reply, since I wasn’t all there when I sent it anyway. There had been genuine moments during the day where I was so confused, believing that I had made her up the entire time. That nothing was real. That I wasn’t alive. Or human. The next morning I had to make sure that it hadn’t been a dream. She is real. She actually sent me an email. An email that let me know that she’s proud of how I’m managing, and encouragement to keep going even though it feels tough. Letting me know that she is coming back and we’ll have our video consultations soon. I don’t deserve her.

I don’t want to be alone anymore. Being bombarded with messages and photo’s of people finding new jobs, starting families, new relationships, it seems that nearly everyone I know is moving up in life. And I’m just here. Stuck. Trying to keep my head above water. Trying to build a business that’s just not going anywhere, no matter how hard I work, how many things I try. Seeing all these new businesses in my field that have sprung up with sub-par work, yet they’re the ones getting all the clients, using techniques that aren’t working for me. I’ve been trying for years now. Am so tired, and feel like a failure. A fraud. Maybe I’m just not good enough.

So far away from everyone I know. Longing for a hug. A warm hand to hold. If only for a day.

Under Again

I’m so angry, I want to break and destroy things and certain people. My rage has been so intense and I don’t know any other way to release it in a satisfactory way, other than hurting myself.

I haven’t seen my therapist in over two weeks, and won’t be seeing her tomorrow (and probably next week either). She needs a few weeks to acclimate to motherhood and recover from the operation. She couldn’t give me a set date or time. I don’t deal well with uncertainty, but this specific uncertainty was expected. Doesn’t mean it’s not driving me crazy anyway. The fear that I’ll never see or hear from her again doesn’t help matters.

Saw my psychiatrist last week as I needed a new script. So got to talk to him about stuff at least. But I hold back quite a bit from him for some reason. I don’t feel that comfortable being too vulnerable with him.

My uncle went into hospital after a heart problem. The nurse and doctor made a HUGE mistake that might destroy his future, and that I know he won’t want to live that way. If he even comes out of this alive. All because they didn’t listen. And there’s nothing I can do. I’m too far away, and even if I was there, with this Covid shit, they wouldn’t let me see him anyway. They will pay, even if the rest of the family don’t go ahead with the legal stuff. I’ll make sure of that.

There is so much uncertainty in my life right now, and losing my car has just made me feel even less in control over my life. I can’t just get in my car and go for a drive. Something I used to do when I felt upset. I feel trapped. Useless. Helpless. I’m frustrated with myself because I’m struggling with even the most basic things. Nothing is going right.

I want to see my mom and my sisters so badly too. I haven’t seen them in years. It’s just not fair.

I’m also frustrated and fed up with friends and certain other people in my life. I just want to scream! It feels like I’m losing my mind.

Too Much

Too much pressure.

Too much pain.

Anxiety. Worry.

One shock after another.

One of my friends recently told me that I seem to have the worst luck. Ha!

I try so damn hard. I try to be positive. And for what?

For everything to blow up in my face anyway? For things to continually go wrong? What’s the lesson? Is there even one?

It shouldn’t be this hard. All. the. time.

Why can’t I give my life in exchange for that person I love who’s fighting for his? People need him. They don’t need me. I don’t want to be here anymore.

It’s like shouting into the wind. No answers. No comfort. Just emptiness and silence.