Gone

I wish I could make myself disappear.

It’s all too much. I want to sleep and never wake up.

A darkness so thick and overwhelming I don’t know where I am.

I’ve been trusting these past few weeks. Far too trusting. Now wounds have been opened, and attempts to close them are not working. I want to say “fuck it all”, “fuck you world”, and climb back over that disintegrating wall in an attempt to fix it. Safe behind it. At least partly safe until it’s back to its full strength. Allowing myself to climb over the wall, and having people hammer away at it at the same time might just have been my biggest mistake.

I don’t know if I can be healed or “fixed”. I don’t even know if I’m broken. Maybe it’s all just an illusion. Maybe none of this is real anyway. Maybe I have lost my mind, and my body is lying motionless somewhere, with everything going on only in my head.

A choir of voices filling the oceans within me.
“You’re worthless.”
“I’ll give you something to cry about.”
“How can that possibly upset you?”
“You’re a piece of shit.”
“Children should be seen, not heard.”
“You’re just like them.”
“You’re stupid.”
“Why can’t you be more like … She’s perfect”
“I hate you.”
“Get over it.”
“Stop being a baby and just get up.”
“Your feelings don’t matter right now”
“Can’t you do anything right?”
“I wish you would just die.”

Who’s voices are those? I can’t even tell anymore. It doesn’t even matter. Nothing does.

She just wanted someone to sit with her awhile when she couldn’t get out of bed.
She just wanted to be heard.
She just wanted to be held when the tears were falling fast.
She just wanted to be protected.
She just wanted to be understood.
She just wanted to feel worthy.
She just wanted you to love her.

But she is not here right now.

She’s gone.

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10 thoughts on “Gone

  1. Thank you, and I apologize for the lately reply. Still trying to find my way out of this ‘state’. I’m sorry you have experienced/experience the same thing. Whenever you feel like that about yourself again, or someone says something like this, try to remember these words: There’s someone (me) who thinks you’re worth it. You’re valuable. You bring something to the world that no one else can. Even if you can’t see it at that moment. You’re beautiful. ❤

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  2. psych4society

    That was beautiful, your an amazing writer. And a beautiful and amazing person. I hope you don’t truly feel that way about yourself. And even if you do some of those things, you won’t feel them forever, know what your worth ❤

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    1. Thank you for your beautiful comment. Most of those words feel like they’re a part of me, deeply ingrained, but I’m working on trying to get rid of them. Not too sure how to do that, but maybe therapy will help me with this too. 🙂

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      1. psych4society

        therapy will for sure, don’t be afraid to open up and let it all out I know it takes a while but once you do it’ll be like the weight of the world lifted off your shoulders. I was in therapy legit my entire life and I was always afraid to open up, so I never really got much out of it until I started practicing as a therapist. Now when I go I just throw everything I’m thinking out there, and don’t even give the therapist a chance to talk :x. It makes me feel better just to say the things I’ve been thinking and feeling out loud, like things that I wouldn’t say to my friends or boyfriend. And I noticed that when I miss a few sessions I can like feel all the stress and everything like in my heart and body just building and building up, and that’s when I know it has to come out or I’ll loose it. Sometimes just getting things out from inside of you even if its just telling someone a thought or feeling can be so relieving.

        Liked by 1 person

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