One of the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder according to the DSM-IV is:
“chronic feelings of emptiness”
“Yes, I get that. But how does it feel?” A friend asked me the other day.
Good question. How does it feel? Can it even be felt? Doesn’t the very definition suggest “blankness”?
Yet, it can most certainly be “felt” in a sense.
Most people will experience a feeling of emptiness during their lives. But for those of us who experience it almost daily, it’s difficult to explain. It comes in many forms. It’s like asking someone who has had a heart attack how it felt. Sure, they can describe it and we “get it”, but in a limited way, and only as far as our imaginations allow. As we all know, imagination isn’t the most accurate of things.
I’ve always loved this Egyptian proverb, which I believe can also be used in this instance:
What reveals itself to me ceases to be mysterious for me alone: if I unveil it to anyone else, he hears mere words which betray the living sense: Profanation, but never revelation.
The Mirriam Webster dictionary defines “empty” and “emptiness” as follows:
“Containing nothing”, “empty space”
“Having no real purpose or value”
“The quality or state of being empty”
A few synonyms: black hole, blankness, vacancy, void, hollowness, nothingness, depletion, desolateness.
Dictionary definitions aside, here is how I personally experience this emptiness:
I can sense all the emotions inside myself, but am unable to reach them. To fully connect with them. To experience and “feel” them. As though there’s a layer of glass between the feeling and my conscious awareness (if I can call it that – my vocabulary is somewhat limited) , as this photo suggests:
It can also feel as though I have nothing inside of me. Just a large black hole. Nothing to give. Nothing can enter either. Like a glass of water that got knocked over, spilling the liquid everywhere, then picked up and placed back on the counter, devoid of it’s contents.
Possibly the best way I have ever been able to describe it, is through a bit of writing I did a few years back while experiencing this emptiness:
I see her in my dreams…
She is but a lifeless form, a shadow, wandering aimlessly through this world.
No longer do her eyes behold the wonders of the world, the beauty of a sunrise. No longer does the cool breeze tickle her skin, nor the raindrops sting her face. The sounds filling the air are no longer music to her ears.
Never seeing, never tasting, never feeling…
Never having existed at all.
Not everyone experiences things the exact same way. How do you experience the state of emptiness?