I Am Borderline (Powerful Video)

I thought I was relatively comfortable saying I have Borderline Personality Disorder. But the truth is… I don’t yet think I am. I feel if I admit to it I will just be giving myself permission to continue to let the symptoms own me, so to speak. I’m afraid that if I admit it, I’ll be admitting to weakness. I feel ashamed. Would I feel ashamed if I had the flu? No, so why should this be any different? Voices from the past (and present) repeating over and over again that it’s all in the mind. Yes, it literally is. But that’s not how they mean it. It’s not just society. It’s that one person I wish could understand. The one person I wish would show compassion instead of making hurtful (and untrue) comments.

Why do I keep trying to reach out to someone who doesn’t know how to show emotion? Someone who thinks throwing money at me makes it all better. Someone who just keeps hurting me over and over again in ways he can’t even imagine. Someone who I never wanted to hear from while living far away, and didn’t want to answer calls from, yet feeling abandoned and desperate when he wouldn’t phone me every few days. Picking up the phone to call him, and “jokingly” asking him whether he forgot about me.

Hating him so intensely, while other moments, loving and wanting him so desperately. The desire to feel a connection to him. For him to be the father I always needed and wanted him to be. Attempting to get his attention, while at the same time uncomfortable with the thought that I might get it. Wanting him to really see me. Longing to escape him, yet feeling that even when I do, I’ll be unable to let go completely. That only death will annihilate it.

Trying to hide the marks on my skin from him, in my late teens and early adult years, yet desperately wanting him to notice them. Realizing one day that he had noticed, but never saying anything. Having his sister tell me to roll up my sleeves, while he stands there, saying nothing, not even looking at me. Refusing her harsh request, but being unable to stop her from grabbing my arm and forcing me to reveal what’s there. Her yelling at me “you stop this shit today!”. Looking over at him, hatred flooding my body, daring him to look at me. But he doesn’t. He just keeps looking at the floor. The coward. The bastard. Wanting to yell “I hate you”, but keeping it locked away instead. And still… I keep it locked away.

I feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. I feel like no one understands. Not even my therapist. Not my closest friend. Unless we have somehow miraculously been transported into another persons body and mind, we will not understand what someone is really going through.

One minute I’m floating on a beautiful cloud, as high as I can get, surveying the amazing, rich landscape below and filled with gratitude, and the next the cloud just disappears out from under me and I find myself plummeting back down into the lowest depths of the earth.

I’m tired. Of this constant up and down, over and under. It’s exhausting. I long to just sleep for a few weeks, to get some rest. Or to fall asleep… Forever.
I’m so tired. I sometimes wish someone could just come and carry all this for me. Just for a little while. But no one can.

I want to yell “fuck it all”, “fuck you world” from the highest rooftop. Keeping these screams inside feels like a poison coursing through my body. The frustration and pain is so strong that it has a physical effect, and I can’t stop the shaking.

Another mark. They say it’s inappropriate. But if I express my emotions by giving them a voice, they say that’s also inappropriate.
“Just be positive”, “It’s not that bad”, “You can choose how you feel”.
So please tell me… What do I do when neither of those options are seen as “appropriate”? My mind is a black hole and maybe the answer is there, but there’s no light to illuminate it in this moment I find myself in.

I just saw my therapist on Thursday, and already I’m desperate to just reach out to her. To hear her soothing and gentle voice. But what if it’s not that voice? What if it’s the firm one? The one that frightens me when I’m in such a vulnerable place. No, I can’t call her, even though it takes every ounce of strength to resist… A strength that just leaves me drained and depleted.

It’s this hopeless, penetrating sadness again. I came across this video, and couldn’t stop the flood from taking over and unleashing the storm. It was as though someone was slicing through my whole body with a sharp knife, and the blood was pouring out in the form of tears. It hurt so bad. Because it touched me on the deepest level.

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18 thoughts on “I Am Borderline (Powerful Video)

  1. I’ve got tears in my eyes reading this…I have bpd too because of my dad. The pain is overwhelming isn’t it. 😢 BPD is not your fault, it’s not a matter of thinking positive and all that jazz. It’s as real an illness as any other. It’s an emotional illness created by emotionally painful parenting. The wounds from that stay, which is why we cut or whatever other coping strategy to deal with our wounds. Our wounds are no different to physical ones, except for their invisibility, which makes BPD a difficult to spot but dehabilitating illness, in other words even more painful. My bpd is so bad I long for suicide and only don’t because I’m a mum. I know this isn’t the most uplifting of comments, but I am just trying to get across to you how much I understand and relate. You deserved so much better than you got from him. I am a spiritual person and detect energies that are too subtle for most, but I’m telling you your inner beauty shines out with vibrancy darlin Xxxx 💜💜💜 hugs-huge ones xxx B.E x

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    1. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for taking the time to write to me. I know about having something/people that stop us from giving in to the desire to just end it all. Even though sometimes it feels as though they might be better off without me anyway. I have a very strong protective instinct towards those I love, so I guess that also helps me not give in to the temptation. I’m glad you’re still here. And I’m sure your child/children feel the same way. I don’t have children yet, but I know they’re an amazing gift. Keep holding onto that.

      It’s strange… A few years ago, a woman came up to me one day and told me that she just wanted to say that I have a beautiful energy. She also said she got an image of a light bulb and called me “bringer of light” just before she left. I felt embarrassed, and chalked it up to a weird experience. Because when I look in the mirror, I just see ugliness and shame (I need to stop being so judgmental towards myself). Her words remained with me though, and every now and then I still hear them. The last part of your message just reminded me of that moment again. Thank you for your beautiful words.

      Thanks for the hugs. Sending you one too. 🙂 ❤

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      1. Aww hugs sweetheart x I’m really pleased to know I’m not the only person to have said something similar-that’s so nice, and special that she told you that and it has stuck in your psyche. You know what, I used to see shame and ugliness in the mirror when I saw me too. I’d cry at my reflection and think how utterly broken I was. But not nearly so much now. I love the phrase “a bringer of light.” Wow! You do give off good vibes Rayne. I feel happy and safe when I talk to you. People affect me greatly, you’ll understand that sensitivity of course as you have BPD, but I tune in very carefully to what signals I receive from people and listen to those message. It’s so nice when my antenna identifies people I click with 😊💙

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        1. I’m glad you feel a bit better about yourself now. You’re beautiful. Thank you for telling me that you feel happy and safe when you talk to me, it really means a lot that you feel that way. I feel the same way about you. I get that sensitivity… It’s good that you’re so in tune with yours. I tend to struggle with mine, because I feel I just don’t trust it. Maybe one day I’ll be able to use it better and not doubt myself so much.

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          1. It’s a difficult process tuning into your sensitivity in a way that is helpful, because being sensitive means we are overwhelmed and swamped a lot of the time with incoming emotion laden messages, so to get down to the basics of what the important messages are is no easy task. Now when I read someone’s blog I give it ten seconds and know whether to follow or not, I barely have to read more than a few lines as I just pick up the vibe. Btw I used to doubt myself loads, it will come with time for you I promise. I have had a lot of reiki which has helped clear me out and nurture and develop my intuition. I’m a lot more ‘open’ now, but clear headed. You’re lovely 😁

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      1. Fab! I’m defo up for some collaborative stuff. When we put talents together you can achieve more than you ever thought possible! I was shy most of my life, and it held me back from so much, but thankfully not anymore 😊💙💙

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          1. Thanks Rayne. I haven’t always been like this you know, it’s quite recent that any strength or fighting spirit/bravery has been in my soul. I’ve spent much of the last few years either crying, in crisis, suicidal, or terrified, all all of them at once. I’m only just beginning to pick up the pieces of me again. You will get there too. I forsee good things for your future. I don’t know how I get these vibes about people, but I just ‘know’ you’re going to follow in my footsteps and get braver and braver. I believe in you totally 😊💜💙

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  2. Beautiful video! Very touching and even though I am not borderline, I have suffered greatly due to my complex trauma so have had difficulty regulating my emotions and depressive mood for most of my life.Both of you are beautiful, kind souls that don’t deserve to live with such a painful disorder. Nobody deserves abuse or illness.All I can say is that in your lowest moments, try to comfort yourselves as you would a child. That child within you needs to be accepted and loved unconditionally.Much love to you both ❤

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    1. Hi Athina. Thank you for your kind and beautiful words, and I’m sorry you have experienced that suffering. I smiled when I read your suggestion. My therapist has been trying to get that through to me as well, but for some reason I’m struggling with the concept of the inner child, and especially of “us” being one and the same and how caring for that part is caring for all of me. But I’ll definitely work on that. You’re a sweetheart. 🙂 ❤

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      1. When I was first introduced to that concept back in 2008 I didn’t quite understand how to do it..It felt alien to me and almost funny! Several years later I started embracing it in therapy once again and also through blogging and it really works.Having self-compassion is incredibly empowering when you can manage to embrace it. Positive affirmations and quotes have helped me immensely too..Especially the ones you see all over social media.The more you surround yourself with these sort of things, the more your brain gets used to them. Much love to you ❤

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  3. Hello lovely. I’ve nominated you for the leibster award because I love your blog, and you so much 🙂 If you don’t want to participate that’s absolutely fine though I don’t want you to feel pressured whatsoever. I just want to support you and your fab blog 🙂 B.E xhttps://bodyelectricweb.wordpress.com/2016/06/05/leibster-re-nomination/

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  4. “I feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. I feel like no one understands. Not even my therapist. Not my closest friend. Unless we have somehow miraculously been transported into another persons body and mind, we will not understand what someone is really going through.

    One minute I’m floating on a beautiful cloud, as high as I can get, surveying the amazing, rich landscape below and filled with gratitude, and the next the cloud just disappears out from under me and I find myself plummeting back down into the lowest depths of the earth.

    I’m tired. Of this constant up and down, over and under. It’s exhausting. I long to just sleep for a few weeks, to get some rest. Or to fall asleep… Forever.
    I’m so tired. I sometimes wish someone could just come and carry all this for me. Just for a little while. But no one can.

    I want to yell “fuck it all”, “fuck you world” from the highest rooftop. Keeping these screams inside feels like a poison coursing through my body. The frustration and pain is so strong that it has a physical effect, and I can’t stop the shaking.”

    My god this is powerful writing!, thank you so much for putting it into words…i know how lonely and painful this place can be….. sending you hugs xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This made me tear up. I don’t think people who haven’t experienced borderline or C-PTSD (whatever you want to label the emotional experience as) can grasp the magnitude of the emotional suffering. So it is nice we can relate to each other and feel validated and understood in this way. This video reflected parts of my internal experience really well.

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