Frustrated With Myself (Again)

Yesterday was a weird day.

It all started when my therapist sent me a message confirming our appointment for later that morning. I felt emotionally cut off from her. It had been too long between sessions. I thought to myself “I don’t need therapy (or her) anymore”, but another part still wanted her (and I know I will always want her, even when I don’t “need” her anymore). The part that was indifferent had a far more active role in my mind though.

It continued during the session. I could hear myself saying all these good and positive things, but I lacked emotion. I was fully present and attentive when my therapist was mentioning some stuff about her and answered the questions I asked her, but when it came to ME and MY stuff, I felt disconnected from my feelings. I felt like I was “on the surface” instead of “down deep”. I couldn’t connect to ME. There were a couple of moments where I got really angry at technology and felt I was going to throw something, but that’s it. No other emotions.

Then it was time for work. My final training shift. Sunday we skipped training as the manager wasn’t there. Walking into the store I felt tired and not too well. All I wanted to do was go back home and sleep (I woke up this morning with a cold/flu so that’s probably why I felt so crap last night). But being so new I didn’t want to take any chances. The store was way too noisy. There was too much stimulation around me, and I felt triggered. The lights were too bright. There were too many people. Too many voices. I felt myself starting to lose control, and I was about to go tell the manager that I’m quitting, but then someone close by dropped a book and I almost jumped out of my skin. That quickly zapped that thought out of my head. But I started feeling claustrophobic and anxiety ripped through me. I was trying to remember all the tools I have learned up until this point, but I just couldn’t focus. I hit a blank. I felt tears well up, and I walked to the back office, to the furthest corner I could find and tried to get the tears to just not come, but come, they did. But I managed to stop the majority of it. I felt so overwhelmed. I forced myself to stay busy with the new books that had come in that I saw lying on the table, and proceeded to pick them up one by one and read the back (just like my therapist had suggested in our session). My shift was starting in a few minutes so I wasn’t neglecting my job at least. I really didn’t want to go back out there. It felt like my inner child was kicking and screaming, begging me to stay where it was safe, but I told her it would be alright and went out anyway.

It was much the same. Too many people, which I find intimidating. The smallest noise (the sound of someone typing on the keyboard for example) made me want to yell “stop it, just stop it” and cover my ears. I was still so jumpy (yet anyone that knows me will tell you I’m always quick to startle anyway) and my senses were on extra high alert. I’m naturally sensitive to my external environment (even as a baby apparently), but most of the time I can deal with it. But in moments like these, I find it especially difficult. It’s times like this when even the texture of my clothing bothers me and I just want to rip it all off. I don’t know exactly what it is that sometimes takes this sensitivity up beyond what is even normal for me, all I know is that it happens.

At one point, I had to help a customer, with my manager standing there watching. I didn’t trust myself. I felt panic and anxiety rise up. I looked at my manager and I think she could see it, as she smiled and said “you can do it”. But I didn’t feel like I could. The pressure was just too much. I wanted to run out and not look back. But I forced a smile and greeted the customer, painfully aware that I was visibly shaking. I then suddenly took on “robot mode”, and can’t remember the rest of that interaction. It was as if I had just shut down. When I was “back” the first thing I remember is the manager telling me “good job”. I can only hope I was friendly with the customer and didn’t come across as a complete idiot. But the manager looked happy, so I guess it’s safe to say that I didn’t mess up.

I know I should be kind to myself. But how can I be when this shit happens? Just when I think I’ve taken 1 or 2 steps forward, it’s like I take 20 steps back. It’s frustrating.

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8 thoughts on “Frustrated With Myself (Again)

  1. You are going to want to slap me, but you’re going to have to let it go. What’s the worst thing that can happen? Obviously if it gets too intense, you “leave” for awhile and come back and seem to function quite well in “I’m gone”. mode. It’s all preconditioning.

    Putting yourself out there in all that energy and noise is difficult, especially with hyper sensitivity. You remind me of when I would sit under my desk instead of at my desk as a young child. Hey, we’re sensitives and can emotionally feel the energy and it makes us want to come out of our skin, if that were possible. 🙂

    Letting it out here is healing. Keep it up, but stay away from the suicidal ideation. Things will get better. You can do this!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your comment. I don’t want to slap you, but I held out on replying so I don’t say things I’d regret later. Three of the worst things people can say to me is “you have to let it go”, “it’s not that bad” and “relax/calm down”. They make me even angrier and more out of control. Because I KNOW I need to let things go, and feel I don’t need people to tell me that which I already know. That I’ll let it go when I feel ready to let it go. When I feel ready to let myself off the hook. It may take a few minutes, hours or even days, but eventually I DO let it go. Eventually I DO relax. Eventually I realize it really ISN’T that bad. But it’s a journey I need to get through at my own pace. 🙂

      Haha, I also used to sit under my desk. And read under my bed. It felt safe there.

      Thanks for the encouragement. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Thanks for your heartfelt reply. It helps me to understand and reply more properly. Very wise tactic. 😉
        Keep walking your path. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thanks for being so great about my reply. I’m trying to be less BPD as our friend B.E says it, and become a healthy, balanced person. I’m in the habit of internalizing things 99% of the time (and punishing myself), rather than openly admitting that what someone said or did had hurt me or made me feel angry. It’s a rare event when I lose it and become a crazed person, but it does happen. And that comment was the 1%, so I stepped away for a while. 😛 THANK YOU for it though, because you helped me practice being more open and speaking my mind without any anger or ill feelings involved, or being a complete bitch. 😉

          Liked by 1 person

          1. You were quite kind. Please say what you are feeling around me. I don’t mind. Like B.E., I know you are another one of those amazing people that have had to work through some unimaginable stuff.
            Just wishing the best for you. 😉 Hope we talk again soon. 😀

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  2. Feel for you hun, what a day 😦 I appreciate how hard it can be to see the positives and the amazing feat that you achieved by staying and also dealing with the customer. They are even more amazing because you were feeling so overwhelmed, tired and not so well too. This feeling: “It felt like my inner child was kicking and screaming, begging me to stay where it was safe, but I told her it would be alright and went out anyway” is the absolute worst and makes simple tasks hard work let alone when you are doing something new and nerve wracking. I want to say ‘Try not to feel frustrated at yourself’ but i know its not that easy – hugs

    Totally can relate to this: “I felt disconnected from my feelings. I felt like I was “on the surface” instead of “down deep”. I couldn’t connect to ME.” there are days where i just am completely shut off to myself and almost numb to my feelings, usually because im overwhelmed, its like i can see them but cant reach them. I also find i do this a lot when talking about positive things…its as if i cant allow myself to see a positive and feel proud of myself…for protection for when i fail again.

    I love your writing btw. Hope you have a good day xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your comment, it means a lot. 🙂

      “I also find i do this a lot when talking about positive things…its as if i cant allow myself to see a positive and feel proud of myself…for protection for when i fail again.” You really made me think with this one… And I realized what you said feels true for me too. Feeling as though, “yes, I’m doing well”, or “I handled things better this time around”, but what if next time I can’t repeat it? What if I just go back to the old ways again? It does feel like a layer of protection against possible future failure.

      I’m so happy that you enjoy my writing. Thank you. 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It sounds like you used plenty of skills to get through this tough day, even if it didn’t feel like it. You managed to be compassionate to your inner child and that is important. Unfortunately, the whole healing process is a pain in the butt. I can relate to the 2 steps forward 20 steps back! I had that a lot over the years in my own healing process..All I can say is trust that you are making progress, even if it isn’t always noticeable..Emotional dysregulation takes time to change and being patient with yourself is important, although I know it is easier said than done, especially when you are in the height of anxiety! It would be nice if you didn’t have to deal with any of it and actually know what it is like to be normal, right? I know this very well. Wishing you lots of positivity ❤

    Liked by 2 people

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