I made it through once again.
While in the throes of crises mode, it feels as though I won’t survive. The world seems to cave in on me, and I feel powerless, hopeless and utterly lost. Like there’s no way out. I’m sure a lot of you can relate.
In my therapy session on Thursday, my therapist and I determined that I’m over the suicidal ideation for now and there’s no need to be admitted anymore. What helped me through this time? A combination of things. My therapist telling me that she sees me as resilient (her belief in my strength) and knowing that she cares what happens to me, a great blogger friend’s support, you my beautiful followers, and of course, my own strength.
My last therapy session was really good. My therapist taught me a new technique for dealing with my black and white thinking pattern. It’s a lot of work, and seems like such a long process to have to go through each time. But it will become easier and an automatic process in the future, as long as I continue to practice it whenever I notice myself in that mode of thinking.
We also spoke about a few other things that have been on my mind. I’ve always been convinced that my therapist finds me annoying at times, but she’s reassured me that she’s never been irritated with me. Since Monday’s session I had been very insecure, thinking that she doesn’t like working with me anymore, but she turned that thought on it’s head too, by saying that she enjoys working with me and we still work well together. The insecure inner child has been reassured once again.
On Wednesday I decided to speak to my stepmom about the way I’d been feeling, and about the BPD. I also gave her a book to read, Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder (which I’ll post a review of soon in the new Book Reviews section). She was shocked by my confessions, but extremely supportive. I now have one more person in my support system. She’s assured me that she won’t tell my dad about our conversations, as she also knows he’s not the easiest person to speak to. I don’t really talk to my dad about my emotional world as he’s uncomfortable with feelings and is one of the reasons I’ve grown up learning to keep any thoughts and feelings to myself. I’m also pretty sure he’s a Narcissist (seems to fit all the criteria).
The blogging world has changed my life more than I thought it would. Having a space where I can share my thoughts and feelings have served as another form of therapy. I have also connected with some truly wonderful people, and the supportive and caring comments I’ve been receiving have meant the world to me, and also helped bring me though the hard times. Thank you to all of you.
I want to send a special shout out to a spectacular person. My new friend (and soul twin), who I met through this blog, my Queenie B. She’s been sending me video messages and emails, and been so supportive and caring, especially during this hard time. Her positive energy has radiated from the other side of the world and wrapped me up in a beautiful embrace. I’m not religious, not even sure whether I’m spiritual, but I do believe in energy, and the power of it.
My friend posted this song on her own blog a while ago, and I had it on repeat whenever I felt those awful feelings. It’s powerful, and somehow helped me bring my resilience to the forefront again.
One last thought before I end this post. For anyone going through a hard time right now, please try to remember this: Things may look dark and hopeless, but the light will shine again. There’ll always be at least one person who can support you. If you feel like you don’t have anyone, please feel free to get into contact with me. Hold on. Be strong. You can get through this. We always do. We’re survivors.