I’m studying something that I don’t enjoy. I’ve been studying this subject for the past 3 years, and I’ve had enough. In the beginning I fooled myself into believing I enjoy it. All because my ex was in the field, and she, along with my parents, convinced me that it was a good idea. I don’t blame them though, as it was my choice and I wanted to do it because I believed it was what I wanted too.
I’m writing my final exam next month, and I’m so behind, and desperately trying to catch up, so I can pass and finally put it behind me. I was considering just quitting now already.
There’s a chapter in a book I read, Coping with BPD (which I reviewed here) on quitting work or school that I found particularly helpful. One of the suggestions is to review your long term goals. So mine would be to finish this part of the course so I can get my certificate and get a good job. It’s a means to an end, and if I just quit now, it won’t be consistent with that goal. I want to study Psychology, as it’s the one thing I’ve always found fascinating. The one thing I know is all mine… I’ve always wanted to pursue this field. If I can get a good job, I can start my journey down that path, doing my degree via correspondence, and finally fulfill that dream.
The other thing they suggested is to make a pros and cons list, which is a DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skill. This is what my list looks like:
I hate failing. And the thought that it’s a possibility for next month’s exam, is one of the things causing me to panic. But that panic is soothed a little when I tell myself that even if I do fail, at least I would have tried, and I have another chance to rewrite in November. I have to think about it this way, as it helps me to focus. Whereas the panic state diminishes my ability to focus and retain information. I heard a saying the other day:
“If plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters – 204 if you’re in Japan.”
― Claire Cook
So, I have decided to stay the course. Not for anyone else, but for me. I deserve to feel good about myself.