I can’t quite describe the way I’ve been feeling today. Usually I’m pretty good at distinguishing between my emotions and moods, and labeling them, but not today. I tried to put it on a mood scale, but it seems there’s no way ‘this’ can even be placed on that scale. I don’t even know whether it’s a feeling. It can’t even be described as emptiness. So then, what is it?
Tonight I’m experiencing something that I’m finding hard to put into words and make sense of. I don’t think I’ve really had this before… At least not like this. I don’t know what it is. But it’s a fading in, fading out, type of experience. I keep finding myself back at a specific moment in time. It’s not a significant moment.
Growing up, we moved around a lot. I’ve lived in a lot of different places. So for most of my adult life most of those places, the houses, all seemed to merge and I struggled to separate which was which. But now I remember that house, that specific room, in vivid detail.
I’m a teenager in high school, somewhere between 16 and 17 and I’m standing in the middle of this room… My room. She’s just standing there. I’m reliving a moment, only there’s nothing to relive. I am both watching ‘her’ from the outside, and being her. She is emotionally shut down, yet the mood surrounding her on the outside is permeating every inch of the room. The very air itself, isn’t air so much as it is emotion. An overwhelming sense (feeling?) of sadness and loneliness washes over me. Leaving as fast as it came. There’s something else there. Only I can’t see it. But I can sense it. Fading out. Fading in. She’s sitting on the bed reading a book. Only she’s not really reading. Her mind is somewhere else, as though separate from her. A body without a soul. I want to reach her, but I can’t. I am her. I’m finding it hard to separate the me ‘now’ and the me ‘then’. Hence the fading in, fading out I mentioned earlier.
It comes and goes. Leaving me with that ‘feeling’ I’m not sure even exists.