The Last Song I’m Wasting On You

I’ll always love you.

But right now I need to hate you.

The power I allowed you to have over me, I’ve taken it back.

No longer will you be able to tell me how to act. How to be. No longer will I be anxious when going out with people and have your disapproving looks tell me when I’m ‘out of place’. I may not be a social butterfly, but those who know me, love me the way I am and enjoy my company.

No longer will you be able tell me how to dress, buy me new clothes that you want me to wear, pick out my outfits and get upset if I don’t wear what you want. I may not have the best style, but it’s my own.

No longer will you be able to tell me how to spend my time, what to do with my life. What movies to watch. What music to listen to. I don’t have to like everything you like. I am my own person.

No longer will you be able to tell me how to feel. Or tell me that I don’t feel enough. That I bury my feelings. Yes, I did. I learned you can’t handle them. I may not be the most emotionally stable person, but I’m allowed to have my own feelings.

No longer will you be able to blame everything on me. Make me your scapegoat. I always stood up for you with my family, my friends, but you loved throwing me under the bus with your own family. I’m no angel, but I take responsibility for my part, for my own mistakes.

No longer will you be able to throw hurtful words, full of hatred, at me. Twist my words, make me believe I’m insane. I don’t have to accept or believe them anymore.

No longer will I need to tip toe around you, feeling the ice cold chill of your silent treatment. I deserve to have my voice heard and not be ashamed of it.

No longer will you be able to throw a tantrum in order to stop me from visiting my family and friends, making me “understand” that they don’t want to see me. That when they say they miss me, they’re just being nice. That only you love and care about me. Well, guess what honey? They warned me about you. They knew all along that it was you pulling me away from them. I may not have the perfect family or friends, but they’re still here.

You always said I was an extension of you… That that’s the way it works in a relationship. No. I’m me. I’m not an extension of anyone. I’m not an object to be controlled.

Thank you for showing me what I don’t want.

Yes… I’ll always love you. But now I need to learn to love myself.

This is the last letter I’ll ever write to you. There are too many other things on my mind… There’s no more space for you.

Goodbye.

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