I Tried. I’m Trying.

Where did I go?
I’m a stranger.

Waking up in the morning. Sitting outside with my coffee. Trying to be mindful and focus on the quiet and the cold air on my skin. Telling myself over and over again. “Today is going to be a good day”.
I’m trying.

The positive voice having been drowned out hour by hour. Exhausted with the effort of trying to keep it alive throughout the day. Going to sleep at night. Wishing not to wake up. I tried.

Wanting to join in the conversation. Can’t make sense of what they’re saying. Sounding so far away. Wanting to connect. Afraid to connect. I smile anyway, not hearing a word.
But I’m trying.

A touch on my back by someone non threatening. My blood running cold. Fear taking over. Backing away. The shock on his face. Wanting to apologize. The words wouldn’t come.
I tried.

I did all my work today. How? I have no memory of having done any of it. But I did it.
I’m still trying.

Emotionally empty. A thick fog surrounding me. Yet acutely aware of the physical. Feeling sick. Have to get up and move. Body aching.
I tried.

Cold inside. Frozen. Sitting in the sun. But the rays can’t penetrate.
I’m trying.

Getting confused about everything. Struggling to remember even why I’m doing what I’m doing in a given moment. Everything a blur. Doing grounding work. But I can’t focus.
I tried.

This heart, once so full of love and care. Now feels like a shadow. Maybe it’s been ripped out. Needing to find the light again. But it’s gone.
I’m trying.

I wanted to make her proud of me. Believe in me. Doing all the things we spoke about. I failed at it all.
At least I tried.

“Just keep breathing.” Breathing hurts.
But I’m trying.

I don’t want to be touched. I don’t want to be loved. I don’t want anything from anyone. I don’t want me.

Trying to be inspiring. Positive. Full of light. Love. But I can’t. Not today. I just don’t care.

Wanting to curl up on the cold floor. Just lay there for an eternity.

I don’t have the energy to think of suicide.

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to die.

My ‘Dear Death‘ post now feels like a distant memory. I’m writing a new letter. A simple one.

Dear Life
Let me go.

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27 thoughts on “I Tried. I’m Trying.

  1. Rayne
    I hear the emotion in your words, you describe in such detail, others know their not alone. It’s not something you signed up for, your honesty puts words to what others can’t say. In our deepest hours someone else feels the same, it sucks, yet when we share ourself for others to see, they don’t know you but know how you feel.
    Keep pushing forward as best you can. I’m sending good Karma your way.
    🙂
    M

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for your lovely comment. I know what it feels like to think I’m the only one in the world who feels this way, so I’m glad if I can help others realize that they’re not alone. It’s not easy being vulnerable, especially on such a public platform. But it’s worth it if it can help others. It’s also a very powerful thing for me, knowing that others can relate, and getting such beautiful support from you all. WordPress should really make a hug emoticon. In the absence of one though, I’ll do this. *hugs* 🙂 xx

      Like

  2. YA know, there are times when I’m feeling all crappy and realize my counteracting it is making it worse. Sometimes I look at negativity as a wave…if I just sit here and let it happen, it will roll me over, but I can get up when it’s done.

    I’m wishing you peace and comfort today. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You make a very valid point. Instead of fighting it so hard, I should just ride it out. It’s not always easy though, especially when you hear other people’s voices in your head telling you to “just be positive” and “snap out of it”.Thank you for your comment and well wishes. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. There is nothing wrong with sitting still and being exhausted. You are allowed to be exhausted and want sleep and you are allowed to feel all you feel. It is hard work, all that trying.

    Your words resonate beautifully with me. Hang in, hang on, take care of yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It feels a little strange having someone tell me it’s okay to feel how I feel. Society tends to tell us it’s not okay. That we have to just suck it up and get over it. Negative emotions are bad and should be avoided and ignored. But that’s not necessarily true I guess. No emotion is inherently ‘bad’. It just is what it is, and it seems like avoidance and ignoring these feelings cause even more distress. It’s a huge relief being told it’s okay to feel. Since starting therapy, and this blog, I’ve discovered the term “validation”, and I’m glad I did, because it’s so extremely powerful. I try to use it with others, precisely because I know how powerful it actually is. Okay, I’m done rambling. 😛

      Thank you so much for your words. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It is strange, isn’t it. I was taught for so long that my feelings weren’t allowed or wrong – but they can’t be inherently wrong or not allowed… they are feelings.

        It’s what we do in reaction to the feelings that can have consequences. But you are allowed to feel whatever it is you feel.

        Every emotion we carry as humans has an evolutionary purpose… they tell us something. They are a signal and help us to survive. They may be misguided but feeling them is never wrong 🙂

        You’re welcome for the words, I believe every one of them, and keep being gentle with yourself.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I wish I had the focus and insight right now to write a loving, supporting comment. But all I can muster is this: me too. Me too. Not that I understand exactly what you’re going through – of course I don’t – but you’ve used your words beautifully to paint a landscape that is so powerful to read, at least to me, because I have been in that landscape, too, and still am. Many hugs to you. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Just by reading and caring enough to comment is already so supportive, and I appreciate it so much. Thank you. 🙂 I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time as well. We can get through this. We WILL get through it. Sending you hugs. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Dont give up. As hard as it is please dont give up. I know exactly how you feel Ive been there. Most days Im there. Its not easy and its not fair. We didnt ask for the things that happened to us. We cant help how we react to certain things as much as we wish we could control that. Keep trying we cant let this beat us! Thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Rayne, that was beautifully written. I believe that it’s really healthy to sit on the floor and accept the feelings as they are at that moment. Mindfulness practice all the way! ❤ I need to welcome more mindfulness into my life, again. Life is so much easier to digest step by step rather than mile by mile.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Your words resonate. Sometimes I wonder where did the hopeful part of me go? Where did the knowing, confident, radiant part go? When the very painful and desolate emotions start to surface. This is all just really hard, Rayne. All of it, and you’re moving through it with so much awareness.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s exactly it. I must admit, the last part of your comment surprised me. I feel as if my thoughts are all just a jumbled mess and nothing in my head makes sense. Awareness. It doesn’t feel like I have awareness of anything, lol. Thank you Rachel. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Pingback: A Wasted Life. Begin Again. – Journey Toward Healing

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