A Wasted Life. Begin Again.

I’ve always said that I don’t regret anything, because I learned from everything. But lately, I’ve been feeling a little bit differently towards that. For the first time in my life, I feel angry about some of the things that happened to me. But mostly, I feel angry at myself for some of the choices I made.

I’ve been so triggered lately by people who are busy studying Psychology, or just started their new jobs as therapists. I always love hearing their stories, their progress, and experiences. But lately I just haven’t been able to deal with it. I keep thinking “that could have been me as well”. But it’s not. They’re all so young, and I’m already in my early 30’s, so I’ve already wasted so much time. It’s going to take me longer to complete my studies, because I’ll have to do it via distance learning, so I can still have a full time job to afford it. So what would have taken me 3 years to complete (Degree), will now take me 5-6 years.

Those who have followed my blog from the beginning, and have read some of my previous posts, will know that I’ve always wanted to become a psychologist. That’s always been my dream. My dream, not something I ‘borrowed’ from someone else, like so many other things.

I went for an interview last week, and was told today that I got the job and that I start on the 1st of September. The best news I’ve had all year. I’m so happy and grateful. Granted, it’s not a job that I want to do for the rest of my life, but it’s a means to an end. Until I can qualify as a psychologist. I’ll have to do my Honours and get into a Masters program before I can practice as a Clinical Psychologist, so it’s still going to take much more than 5-6 years. But I’m going to do it. It’s never too late, right?

For a while now I didn’t feel like I have a future. I still feel like that, but I’m forcing myself to just focus on my goal. I have a dream. And that should keep me going. Even if I die before I get to reach the end goal, the journey would have been worth it.

One thought keeps playing over and over in my head like a broken record. Stuck on repeat.

I’ve wasted my life.

Everything turned out so wrong.

I can’t go back in time. I can’t change things. I’m an expert at saying to others, and to myself “at least we learn from our mistakes and all the bad things that happen to, and around us, and can use it to do good things”, but for the past couple of years, those words just made me angry. “Shut the fuck up. You’re such a fuck up.”

Who can I blame? Can I blame my ‘dad’ and certain other people who are no longer a part of my life and family? Oh yes, I can. But also, not really. Because the truth is, I only have myself to blame. I could have left, instead of staying. But no, I had to play the damn protector and worry about his well-being, even though it isn’t my responsibility. I had two opportunities to walk away, to start my own life, but I blew it. I chose to stay. I had a responsibility towards myself, but I allowed myself to think that he was my responsibility.

No more. I’m done playing parent to a grown man. I don’t have to do that anymore. He can take care of his own shit.

My biggest mistake was moving back in with him and the new stepmom and step siblings, but at the time (a few months ago), it was my only option. I got out of a toxic relationship, moved to a new city, was broke and had no job. But I can also see it as a good thing. It led me to today. I got a good job, and I can move out next year. Hopefully before the middle of the year. I just need to get through the 3 month probation period, but I’m going to work harder than I’ve ever worked before. I want to make sure that I’ll keep this job. I’m scared and nervous, but I’m also excited.

I had a really great therapy session today (hard and painful at times), and discussed all the things that had bothered me in our previous session (as I wrote about in a previous post). I love how honest I can be with my therapist about things she may have said or done that bothered or hurt me and we get to clear it up. She apologized, even though she didn’t really need to, and told me that she never means to hurt me, or make me feel like she’s judging me. I believe that with all my heart. I told her about how I don’t need tough love, I need a gentle touch, and she even thanked me for telling her that. Now she knows. I wasn’t expecting that response (even though I should know her better by now). I thought she would argue with me, or tell me that I’m wrong. But she totally took in on board, and I felt really heard.

So it’s been a really good day. And heaven knows I needed a good day after all the shitty ones I’ve been having. I’m so grateful.

So I might have wasted the earliest part of my life, but now is my opportunity for a fresh start, and I’m going to take it. I don’t want to regret anything ever again.

 

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18 thoughts on “A Wasted Life. Begin Again.

    1. What is eternity essentially? Eternity is impossible to think about at the moment. Eternity right now is fear, dread, wondering. “Everything can be used for our good.” I hope so. Thanks for your comment.

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      1. Eternity IS. Fear, dread, wondering are powerless in the face of what IS, unless it shapes our response to it. We always get to respond… Every moment that is, that we are, we get another opportunity to shape what we have been given. We are not all given the same portion, but we are given what we need. Fear, dread and wondering are but monkeys on our backs unless they provoke us to thoughtful action. And it looks to me that you are indeed acting on behalf of your dream! If you can switch some of your intensity from the end result, onto the present experience of your journey, the monkeys you are carrying with you will eventually get bored and drop off. You can’t change the past, nor can you foresee your future, but you do have full power over the present;)

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  1. Oh Rayne, I am so happy that you had a good therapy session… it sounds like your therapist took your feedback really well, which is so wonderful. I’m going to use a DBT dialectic: your frustration about the amount of time it will take you to become a psychologist is completely valid, and, I think you will make an amazing psychologist!! You’re taking very real and important steps to get there, and that is what matters. Lots of love to you ❤ xxx

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  2. My BPD Diary

    Stay Positive, Rayne. Everything happens for a reason, it’s completely human to make mistakes, and wake up one day and start thinking about all the time wasted, and trust me, it happens to everybody not just BPD.

    I’m sure that everything happens happens for a reason, good and bad, we all learn from good and bad, we grow wiser too.

    Just Breath, keep fighting, if that is your dream don’t ever give up!

    The past is that, past, you are the one now at the steering wheel, you control your car!, there will be bumps on the road, some road blocks too, but the car will only stop, when you step down on the break, and turn the ignition off.

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    1. I’m with you that we learn from both the good and bad, and grow wiser because of it.

      The thing I struggle with though is that “everything happens for a reason”. There are so many people in the world who don’t have a roof over their heads, have to struggle to even have something to eat in a day, and have to fight just to survive. While others are born into a life that seems to favour them throughout their lifetime. Sure, they have problems, bad things happen to them too, but for the most part life is comfortable and easier for them. What is the reason for those who have nothing and don’t live past their young years? Those who never got the chance to make a difference in the world, or even in their own lives?

      I have the chance to do something, to contribute. And if I don’t make use of that opportunity, it’s all on me. I’ll only have myself to blame. I get this chance to make a difference both in my own life, and in the lives of others. And for that I’m exceptionally grateful.

      “The past is that, past, you are the one now at the steering wheel, you control your car!, there will be bumps on the road, some road blocks too, but the car will only stop, when you step down on the break, and turn the ignition off.” I love what you wrote here. It’s so true.

      Thanks for your comment Chris. You know you’re special to me. 🙂 ❤

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      1. My BPD Diary

        🙂 thank you Rayne, At least you care for me.. Thank you for your words…

        In regards to the comment “Everything happens for a reason”, when you go thru something hard, and you overcome it, it will make you wiser.. that is what I meant. Wisdom = Healed pain… Letting go, that is why also used the car example 🙂 you drive your car, (life) in any direction, the car will follow your direction, you make the steering turn right, the wheels will turn right, you do a reverse, it’s a bit more complicated and frustrating driving the car in reverse, same with heading back to the past… Cars and meant to drive forward, so is life… Cars need tune up, and so do we… cars break down and so do we… Great! I am a broken volkswagon…LOL sorry… I mean that as a joke… 😀

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    1. I went through that as well… Not knowing what my dream is. This happened because I had given up on ever becoming a psychologist. I thought it was impossible. So I didn’t know what else I wanted out of life. It was only when I found out that a friend of mine had recently started studying it, that I realized that I didn’t NEED to go to university in order to do my degree. I didn’t know that. Now I do. My therapist also had a hand in bringing my dream back up to the surface. Is there anything you loved as a child/teen that you thought you’d like to do one day? Maybe start there, and see what happens and what you come up with. xx

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  3. I relate so much to what you wrote. The feelings of a wasted life.. it is so painful to realize where life is, sometimes. Especially the comparisons to others, younger people, other people who seemingly “have” what we want. It is crushingly painful, Rayne. I really understand it (as someone who started grad school in my 30’s, too) and it hurts. I still hurt over how life went. About opportunities missed and goals I will never achieve (my first career goal). I’m here with you in this, and it really is hard and painful.

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    1. Yes, totally. We can’t change the past, but I think it’s okay to grieve that which we missed out on. As long as we just press forward and do what we can NOW, it counts for something. I’m proud of you for starting. A lot of people won’t even bother. They give up completely, which is sad.

      You’re doing something now. I’m determined to take advantage of this opportunity I have now. And that’s the important thing. As weird as this may sound, I think we’re also brave for doing it. xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My therapist said to me the other day “you are building a life to recover from (the trauma).” I think she has a point. In building what we want now, we recover from the pain from the past. I don’t know that it erases anything, but I imagine it will be worth the effort we are putting in now.

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  4. Congratulations on the job! That is one step in the right direction for you! I also want to be a psychologist (Art therapist) in particular..I got accepted to do a masters at Leeds uni but had to to postpone because I moved to Germany with hubby! It is never too late to make our dreams come true! Growing up in dysfunction and chronic stress, delays a lot of ‘normal dreams’, and some people don’t even get close to managing to achieve any…For every single one of us with CPTSD, life was much too difficult, much too young..Don’t punish yourself for your mistakes..It was a natural process that had to happen in your recovery..I made so many mistakes too but it brought me to where I am today..I worked hard and the improvements are immense..You will do amazingly! Psychology suits you! xx

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    1. Thanks Athina! 🙂 It’s true that it’s never too late. I just applied to the university a couple of hours ago. Holding thumbs that I get accepted. Now the only thing I can do is wait… I don’t like waiting, especially when it’s something that means so much to me. I’m so glad you think Psychology suits me… That was really lovely to hear. Thank you. 😉

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      1. I wish you the best of luck with it! Fingers crossed! I think those of us with histories of trauma and abuse, can be very good psychologists as we have a deeper understanding of how tough it can be. The empathy we have helps a lot of people already..You will make an amazing psychologist! ❤

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