Feeling The Grief

I’ve never liked that word. Grief. Even as I’m typing it out, I’m cringing inside.

But as a friend recently told me, words are just that. Words.

The morning after having written my post ‘Basking in the Sun‘, I woke up with this feeling of intense sadness. It’s followed me through the entire week, and I’m still feeling it.

Random spurts of crying accompanied it. Even at work, while focused on what I was doing, I was acutely aware of the aching inside me. And sometimes I couldn’t contain it any longer and the tears would just spill out. Obviously not wanting anyone else to see, I would go the bathroom, and let it just come. But only for a minute or two, and then I’d compose myself and walk out smiling, as though nothing had happened. I’m grateful that it’s not easy for people to tell that I’d been crying. It only becomes noticeable if I’d been crying for a long time.

Even while out with a good friend yesterday, I couldn’t get rid of this sadness. I was spending the day with her, her new boyfriend and his family. At one point I pulled her aside and told her that I was struggling emotionally. She gave me a big hug and told me that it’s okay to feel the way I am. That it’s normal. She was so caring and and supportive. I felt safe. I don’t usually tell friends or family that I’m struggling with something, but I’m slowly learning that it’s okay to be vulnerable with people closest to me. I’m glad I told her, because she helped me realize that it’s okay to feel these emotions and to deal with them.

The reason for my sadness is I’m missing someone that was a constant part of my life for years. I’m grieving for the life I had. It wasn’t the good life, but it’s familiar. I miss the place, the people, the person… Just everything. Now I’m in a new place, new environment, and nothing is familiar. I know I’m starting to build the life I want, that I’m slowly starting to find my feet, but I’m overwhelmed. I feel as though I shouldn’t hope too much, or allow myself to feel happy, because it will just come crashing down around me anyway. I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy and to have a happy life. That it’s just not meant for me. The day after having written the above mentioned post, I felt guilty. What right did I have to feel that good? What right do I have to feel good, when so many other people are suffering and in pain?

I haven’t really allowed myself to fully experience the loss of all I left behind. I thought I had. I thought I had let it go. But I haven’t really. Because most of the time I would just push it away or play it down when the thoughts and feelings would surface. I would tell myself that I’m fine. But I’m not fine.

I’m allowing myself to really sit with, and experience these emotions today. To sit with the sadness and grief. With the unbearable pain. With the thought that I made the biggest mistake of my life. That what if all we needed was this break? I’m sitting with the longing to go back to my old life. To the person who’s love was conditional, admitting that she took it away sometimes in order to punish me, but at least I had that love sometimes. I never felt safe when I was living that life. But that life feels safe now. Safer than where I am at this moment. But I know it’s just the grief talking. That if I go back, nothing would have changed. Maybe it would be different for a little while, better, but then what? So many ‘what if’s’ consume my mind, and I’m allowing myself to ask and answer those difficult questions.

It’s so hard and painful. And I’m so unsure about my future.

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9 thoughts on “Feeling The Grief

  1. Hi Rayne,
    It can be at times normal for you to feel like this and for you to question yourself, but, there is one question I did’nt see in your post, ask yourself “Why you do deserve this new life and much more” you deserve the very best of everything and it is down to you to feel this, everyday is a new day, for you, who deserves everything good life has to offer, you are a good kind loving person, love yourself respect yourself for all these wonderful things you are and never forget how great you are
    One small step everyday !
    Take care
    Brooke

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. The feeling of not thinking I deserve this life I have – and it’s so hard.

    But change the question. Instead of “what if things go wrong” – my question to you is “what if it goes right?”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I really relate to what you have written here. Sometimes when we lose something that wasn’t good we still grieve and often paint it in different colours than we experienced then. I don’t know why. I think it is really good that this is opening up for you, obviously all those sad feelings were there and sometimes happiness and the potential for it opens up all the pain of the past and brings fear, but just trust that you can have happiness, you really truly can.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I also don’t understand it. Why we tend to forget most of the bad things and remember the best moments, almost like we’re looking at the person/situation with rose tinted glasses. You’re right, the sadness was always there, I just didn’t fully acknowledge it. When we’ve lived with unhappiness and depression all our lives, it’s hard to believe that we actually CAN be happy, so it does instill fear. Thank you for your comment. It’s nice to hear from you again. xx

      Like

    1. Thank you for your lovely comment. Also, thanks for saying it gets better with time. Because sometimes it just feels like it goes on forever. So it’s good to be reminded of this. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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