Openess And Shame

I’m having a hard time with something. I had been open to sharing parts of my life, my thoughts, and emotions since I started this blog. But now I don’t feel like it’s okay anymore. I’ve been feeling a lot of hurt and shame these past couple of days. I shared something with someone that I shouldn’t have shared. It was inappropriate. And now I can feel myself shutting down again. Which is something I’ve done my entire life. I did it in order to protect myself. I’d pretend that I’m okay. They say to smile and happiness will follow. So that’s what I did. Only, happiness never came. And now I feel the need to protect myself again. I don’t want to shut down, but it’s not like I can just flip a switch to control it.

Guilt is easier to deal with. You recognize that something you did wasn’t right. That you crossed a boundary, angered or hurt someone. You can then apologize. And try your damnest to not do the same thing again. Maybe you’re able to forgive yourself as well.

Shame is harder. It’s too uncomfortable to sit with. But it’s impossible to ignore.

I’ve tried to numb it. Some moments, it works. Other times, not so much. Because even when my glass is empty, there’s still a single drop remaining that I just can’t quite get out. And that one little drop contains enough of the emotion to prevent me from not feeling it at all.

I made this in Photoshop to help me process. It’s a mess, but it was a therapeutic experience.

Shame

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19 thoughts on “Openess And Shame

  1. I do it too on my blog as well. I’ll post something deeply personal, then within a few minutes I’ll think “Oh shit, why did I do that. Go back and delete it!!” And sometimes do. Because first I go through embarrassment, then feeling ashamed, then feel I’m bound to be judged, then I feel like noone is gonna care anyway so just leave it posted.
    Then at times I feel the same way about sharing my business with a new friend. I’ll sit and share my deepest heartfelt shit with them and they turn around and unfriend me, so to speak. Boy, do I feel like hunting them down and killing them because they “hold my secrets”. LOL!

    So, yeh I often feel like shutting myself down like you said. Retracting what I’ve said and everything I’ve ever said or posted. And I usually will not post for a few days (sort of like laying low) But you wanna know what I do? I get right back on the horse again because I just can’t contain what I feel inside, ya know?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh gosh, yes! Most things I’ve posted on here I’ve wanted to delete. I tend to post at night, when I’m at my most vulnerable for some odd reason, and then when I wake up the next morning, my first thought it “shit, I need to delete that”. But I almost always decide against it. I’ve only deleted two posts so far.

      I’ve decided to continue sharing my heart and life with others. If it helps someone feel less alone, and know that there’s someone else out there also struggling with the same issues, it’s worth it. Thank you for your comment. 🙂 ❤

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  2. It’s not a mess — that image makes a lot of sense. Shame is so difficult. It’s the one part of me that refuses to discuss anything with A. It’s the part that directs that critical voice. It’s the part at the controls.

    Sometimes I wonder about my blog and then realize that it’s mine – and it’s been overall helpful. And it’s not a bad thing that I’m sharing, and nobody can find me. And then I breathe again.

    Do what you feel you need to do, I understand shame as a driving force, and wish it wasn’t so.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you PD. Shame is really hard to deal with, and it seems to crowd out everything else. I agree, our blogs are ours, and it’s a very helpful and therapeutic ‘tool’. Which is why I’m going to continue on as before. I just needed to sit with it for a while and ask myself what I really want to do.

      Some of my posts seem to help others as well, so that makes me feel that overall, I’m doing the right thing. Damn the critical voice. Thank you for your comment. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I like the image you made, it shows the emotion very clearly.

    I think it is very common for survivors to give away too much about themselves, we don’t have great boundaries. This blog is totally your space and if you need to delete anything to keep it feeling safe for you then that is fine.

    The feelings will subside and I hope you will be back sharing again.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much. I’m glad you like it. I’m with you on the boundaries thing. I’m a little bit better with it nowadays, but I still struggle. You’re right, this is my space. I just get paranoid sometimes… Like what if someone who I really don’t want to have read this blog (like my dad for example) somehow stumbles upon it and will instantly know it’s me. That small little possibility sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable about putting too much out there, even though I’d love to be as brave as some bloggers who just let it all out. Maybe someday I’ll get there. Thank you for your comment. It means a lot to me. 🙂

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      1. You are very welcome. I get paranoid like that sometimes too but then I think that no one around me knows me well enough to recognise me from what I write here. Also there are quite a few other people writing similar stuff to me so I don’t think mine stands apart from anyone else’s.
        Writing about your feelings and struggles here helps so many other survivors. We all need to know we are not alone and it helps so much when we realise our struggles are just like other people’s.

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  4. There are times when I write that I feel like I’m adding to the peoblem. Some of my posts happen to be me forcing myself away from negative or depressing thoughts, because I feel like discussing some things keeps my mind on the issues.

    And sometimes it’s just nice to make a little change from the norm.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hi sweetheart! I am sorry you are feeling such deep shame at the moment. Nothing about you is shameful. I see a brave woman who is trying to heal and live a better life in very difficult circumstances. If you want to skype then let me know. I am here if you want to chat..Just send me a message, anytime 🙂 xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi beautiful person! Thank you so much for your kind words, they mean so much to me. Thank you for your support too… For being there for me when I really needed someone. You’re wonderful. 🙂 I’ll definitely talk to you on Skype soon. ❤ xx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Hey I totally get you, and you are definitely not alone. I have felt the same way many times, and neither of us has anything to be ashamed of. It’s not your fault people arent strong enough to even listen to the things that you say. It just shows how much stronger you are-don’t let anyone make you feel ashamed of who you are.

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  7. I’m so sorry for your struggle! You’re not perfect and we all make mistakes. Our society expects perfection, so we are are struggling with beating ourselves up and in turn judging others. Give yourself a break, if it wasn’t intential there’s nothing you can do, but forgive yourself and move forward. Love yourself because ours do!

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  8. Please keep sharing.
    I recently decided to stop pretending it was ok then feeling awful later and just come out with it right away and set up a boundary of something that I KNEW would affect me. It was very very hard. Opening up and telling someone why. I just so very much feel what you are saying.

    Liked by 1 person

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