I’m having a hard time with something. I had been open to sharing parts of my life, my thoughts, and emotions since I started this blog. But now I don’t feel like it’s okay anymore. I’ve been feeling a lot of hurt and shame these past couple of days. I shared something with someone that I shouldn’t have shared. It was inappropriate. And now I can feel myself shutting down again. Which is something I’ve done my entire life. I did it in order to protect myself. I’d pretend that I’m okay. They say to smile and happiness will follow. So that’s what I did. Only, happiness never came. And now I feel the need to protect myself again. I don’t want to shut down, but it’s not like I can just flip a switch to control it.
Guilt is easier to deal with. You recognize that something you did wasn’t right. That you crossed a boundary, angered or hurt someone. You can then apologize. And try your damnest to not do the same thing again. Maybe you’re able to forgive yourself as well.
Shame is harder. It’s too uncomfortable to sit with. But it’s impossible to ignore.
I’ve tried to numb it. Some moments, it works. Other times, not so much. Because even when my glass is empty, there’s still a single drop remaining that I just can’t quite get out. And that one little drop contains enough of the emotion to prevent me from not feeling it at all.
I made this in Photoshop to help me process. It’s a mess, but it was a therapeutic experience.