Work and Mental Health Issues

I’ve had yet another shit day at work.

Over the past month, I’ve felt this incredible desire to just walk out. It happens at least two times a day. My record was six times, which I reached today. This overwhelming need to just throw everything down and quit. Every morning when I wake up, I have to talk myself into getting out of bed and get to work. I tell myself that I’ll get through it, and that maybe today will be the day where everything will be better.

But I realized I’m not cut out for a full time job. It’s agony. By 12:30pm (after lunch) I just can’t handle it anymore, and have to take a tranqualizer. It used to help a lot, but these days it seems to only have a 50% effectiveness rate. I’ve even considered taking two at a time, which I might still do.

All I want to do the whole time is scream and cry. What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I find it so difficult to deal with such long hours? With the constant stress? It shouldn’t be this way. Other people seem to manage, even if they hate their jobs. So why the hell can’t I? It constantly feels like I’m on the verge of a panic or heart attack. I can’t handle pressure. My brain goes into meltdown mode and then I hit a blank. I was shouted at the other day because the woman training me asked me a question and I felt so pressured in that moment, that my brain just shut down. I couldn’t think of the answer. I told her I need to think about it for a minute or two, and she wasn’t happy with that. With contempt evident on her face, she asked me that if a customer calls, will I say to them that I can’t think right then and will call them back in an hour? I found that incredibly insulting.

Training lady set up a ‘meeting’ for me and her on Wednesday, where she rattled off some points about my work and asked how I was finding it, etc. I said all the right things. But then I decided to be honest, and told her that I have depression and struggle with anxiety, and that I’m on medication for it, so I’m confident it will work. Big fucking mistake. Since then they’ve been even worse towards me. I didn’t tell her about the BPD, because she probably doesn’t even know what that is, and I didn’t want to ‘scare’ her.

If it wasn’t for the amazing new lady in my life, and my therapist, I would have hurled myself off the highest mountain weeks ago.

On that note… A few weeks ago, I phoned a suicide crisis line, because I was so damn close. I had had too much to drink, which is something I don’t do anymore, but that evening I just had to have copius amounts of alcohol. One or two just didn’t cut it. I’m terrified of talking on the phone, it raises my anxiety to a level of 9/10. So you must know just how desperate I was to call a complete stranger and tell them that I’m considering killing myself. I have lost my fear of medication over the past couple of months, and I had them all neatly laid out on my bed in preparation that night. So I phoned. I was desperate. I knew if I didn’t get help, I would go through with my plan. So I phoned. A guy answered. I was crying so much, he kept asking me to repeat myself. I told him how I was feeling, and what I was planning. You know what he said to me? “Go to our website and read up on Depression. Suicide isn’t the answer”. I’ll never forget those words. I wanted to yell at him and tell him that I already know all about depression, and how would going to read about it solve my immediate crisis? But I just managed “okay”. Then he told me that he has to cut me off, because there’s another call coming through. It felt like a stab to my already fragile heart. A sign from the universe that I really shouldn’t be here anymore. And he told me to have a good evening. Seriously? Have a fucking good evening? He hung up. Never again will I be calling a crisis line. I tried to get hold of some hospitals I could go to, but all of them were closed at night. This country is useless! The only thing that stopped me that night, was a sudden thought that popped into my head at just the right time. The thought that my therapist had written me a letter, and I was now just waiting for it. I wanted to read it. It seemed to snap me out of my suicidal thoughts.

Back to my work situation. My boss changed my working hours, so now it’s even longer. I hate that she did that. But she’s the boss, so I just have to deal with it. I was also informed that I’m currently only doing half of what they hired me to do, which they only told me about last week. I thought they were teaching me everything they wanted me to do. I was wrong. The workload is already crazy, and I’m struggling to cope. So how on this green earth am I going to handle even more? I’m at breaking point. I feel like an elastic band being stretched, that’s on the verge of snapping.

When I first started there at the beginning of September, one of the other ladies working there warned me that the first month or two, or even three, they’d be nice and compliment me on my work. But then they’ll turn around, and the boss will start to bully me. That all four of the girls who had worked there this year, had all quit for that very reason. That they had all just quit (one of them just didn’t come in on the Monday) after a few months (one of the girls who stayed the longest, lasted 5 months). At the time she told me this, I was convinced that I would be the exception. And I didn’t really believe her. But now I realize just how right she was. She’s really great… It feels like she always has my back, but unfortunately she only works half days. She’s also going on maternity leave from November. And she’s not coming back. She’s had enough of that place. So then I’ll be alone with the wolves.

I was also told in the interview that I wouldn’t have to answer the phone, except for a few of the accounts queries, which were mostly dealt with through email. The past week though, I’ve had to play receptionist. And the damn phone is constantly ringing. The boss is supposed to hire a receptionist, but she says it costs too much. What the hell? She goes and does her nails every week, along with massages and goes overseas three times a year. She drives a car that would pay for two brand new cars for me, and she lives in a 5 bedroom house, alone. But it’s too expensive to hire someone? What’s that about?

My work hasn’t been up to standard lately. I admit that. But how can I fully concentrate when I have to answer phone calls all the time (remember those anxiety levels?), and deal with requests from the boss that seem to have no relation to my job description. The one day she asked me something, and I told her I don’t know. Her words directly after that… “You don’t know anything.” Ouch! She scrutinizes everything I do, and looks for things to use as ammo against me.

Then there’s the constant talking behind my back by boss and training lady. They think I don’t hear what they’re saying, but oh, I do. My boss even makes some comments, in a loud voice, directed at me, about me, that make me feel so embarrassed. Why must everyone in the office hear about my ‘faults’? I just can’t do this anymore. The office is full of negative vibes.

My focus is on the work I’m doing. I’m concentrating my hardest so I don’t make mistakes. I’m triple checking everything. I’m trying my best. But it seems my best just isn’t good enough. I feel stupid and useless.

I phoned my employment agent today who had gotten me this job (she tried to call me the whole of last week, but we kept missing each other). I was crying so much, I could barely speak. She asked me whether she should send me a bottle of wine. I told her “yes please, as long as I can drink it at work”, and we both laughed. That made me feel a little better. She said that she’d keep an eye out for a half time position for me.

In the meantime I’m going to start up my photography business and see what happens there. If I can get a part time position, I can do my photography after work. Photography is something I enjoy, so it won’t feel like ‘just another job’. That I’ll be able to handle. Working, then coming home and working with my own clients, doing something I love.

But until then… I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I feel stuck. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

What happened to perfect? I really thought that this was the perfect job for me. How wrong I was.

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62 thoughts on “Work and Mental Health Issues

  1. Before I even finish reading this, may I am a quick question? You do know that people that suffer from Bipolar feel the exact way you’re feeling right now. They (we) can barely make it out of bed in the morning, find it agonizing to even get up and go to work, quite jobs impulsively, even a few hours at work feels like forever, can’t concentrate, can’t focus, tasks seem monotonous, etc. These are all signs and then some of Bipolar hun. Maybe you have it, but have chosen not to devulge it, but that’s just my opinion so far…
    Let me finish reading the rest of your post…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. My BPD Diary

    😥 Ohh I am praying so much for you Rayne! ❤ I love you my dear friend. That sounds like an awful place, but please until you find a better place, try to Stay Strong!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ok, Ive got halfway through now and must say, I’m right there with ya hun. Being fearful to tell employers (I didn’t, you crazy!?) anyway, I’ve wanted to quite from humiliation, being trained to do something and then not even less than an hour later having forgotten it all. I’d go running to the restrooms crying. Boy did I feel stupid, especially when I’m up against 21 year olds going for the same position. I’ve always felt inadequate. I knew I wasnt dumb or stupid it’s just that my brain would shut down, especially under stress, OMG! The stress and pressure to perform, girl. I didn’t want to go back the next day. As a matter of fact I was making every excuse in the book not to. Don’t be ashamed of its Bipolar though, you’re not alone. I knew this chic, she was smart and intelligent as hell. I mean she had an incredibly high IQ, but she couldn’t keep a job because she was bipolar. But she had the manic type of bipolar. I swear when she wasn’t being manic she was off smoking pot somewhere. I don’t smoke so I had to stop coming around, but she was the smartest woman I’ve ever encountered.
    Let me read some more of what you’ve written…

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Haha! Well, it’s like I read it and then it’s like I must respond before I forget what I need to say. It’s my A.D.D going crazy. Which makes so much more sense in person and when I’m speaking rather than writing obviously. LOL!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Ok, I’ve finished. Girl, how much longer are you going to put up with that? They’re EMOTIONALLY ABUSING YOU Rayne and you don’t deserve that right now. You’re already under enough stress. I hate snooty bitches like that. They’re lazy that’s what they are and they have nothing better to do than to sit around and judge others. I wish I were there to kick their asses. I know I should be telling you to hang in there, itll get better, but you know that I won’t right? I don’t don’t sugar coat nor live in a fantasyland where life is all bright and cheery!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like how direct you are, so I’m glad that you never sugar coat anything. 🙂 No bright and cheery here… Just thinking about going in tomorrow makes me feel nauseous, and my stomach is in knots. I really need this job. That’s the problem. If I didn’t need it so much, I would have walked out by now. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I know, and how I wish I had some solid suggestions for you regarding continuing to walk into that hot mess of stress and “mean girl” bullying every single day. I’m feeling nauseous myself just thinking about you having to.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. It sounds a horrible place to work in and somewhere I would feel stressed as well like you,feeling really pushed.

    It’s not nice when working somewhere horrible, especially when people don’t treat you nice either. Me and my work colleague were so sick of what we were facing in our department, which for me increased my anxiety levels and had depression. Although it turns out some of my past made me react to the present, work did not help. Although better since the top people got involved, which turned out me and my colleague were not alone in this, I still want to leave. I still have days I drag myself to work, even though nothing at work has happened since. I hope to be in another job at some point.

    Hope you have a better job soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your comment Liz. I’m glad some of the top people got involved in the situation, which must have helped quite a bit. I hope you find a great job, where you look forward to going in. 🙂

      Thank you! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. :/ 😦 must be hard Rayne, I feel for your angst and struggles at work. Your boss and the training lady sound very abusive… Good that you’re considering other options and that you took action by calling your employment agent + the photography business.

    If I were you, I’d walk straight the f*** outta there, but I’m not exactly sure what all of your living conditions/needs are, so… yea, hope it gets better and wishing you well, hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Psy. I’ve decided I’m going to try stick it out until the end of this month, as my probation period ends then anyway. I thought that maybe it would be better this week, but it just seems to be getting worse. It feels as though they’re trying to get me to leave before the end of the month. But I don’t want to give them the satisfaction. My mental health is more important than this job, and I’ll find something else, and hopefully I can make it work well with my photography business.

      Thanks for the hugs. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I am so sorry, the job sounds like a living hell. I hope the agency can find you something better soon. It isn’t you, no one could function in a situation like that.
    As for the man on the crisis line, I am appalled at how he treated you! I would say to complain to their management but I know that when you are so stressed you just don’t have the energy to make complaints.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much. I hope they can find me something sooner rather than later as well. I don’t think he should be allowed to work there actually. I’m going to write a letter to them and tell them about my experience. I just wish I could remember his name.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Even without his name they should be very concerned that anyone working for them handled a call in that manner, I hope you at least get an apology.

        I love photography too and I wish you every success setting up your own business 🙂

        Like

  8. Believe me Rayne I know exactly what you mean when you say about not coping with full time hours. I’ve had to give up work because I just can’t cope with the working day. It makes me feel like a failure… but actually your employers sound like they are bullying you. Which is absolutely wrong, unforgivable and a reflection on them and not you or your standard of work. I really hope your agency can find you something more suitable soon.
    As for the crisis line… it is appalling how you were treated. Would you be able to complain? The crisis line is supposedly there for people in need, in a sodding “crisis”. How dare they treat you in that manner?! Disgraceful.
    Sending love xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Exactly right… Feeling like a failure at every turn. My agent told me that it’s hard finding work this time of the year. So I’m not too hopeful about that right now. 😦 I’m exhausted and drained, so hope feels like too much right now. I’m definitely going to complain about the crisis line. Thanks for the love. xx

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Thank you for correcting me,

    Experts note that one of the main differentiating factors between bipolar and borderline personality disorder is that symptoms of personality disorder are pretty consistent and ongoing, while people with bipolar disorder appear to have “breaks” between their extreme mood swings, in which they experience a mid-range mood where most of the symptoms that are confusing between the two disorders (impulsivity, anger, irritability, extreme emotion) aren’t present.
    http://www.medicaldaily.com/bipolar-vs-borderline-personality-disorder-differences-between-two-and-how-avoid-335314

    A link For those who misunderstand the two

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for this, my friend. It can be hard to differentiate between most of the things in the DSM. I mean, if even professionals can get it wrong, then we shouldn’t feel bad about not knowing what’s what.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. To be honest when my psychiatrists told me back in 2002, she never really gave me specifics and I was so in denial. I was embarrassed 😳 really. Thinking people would think I was some mad woman. Then she told me i had a BPD, and can you believe I was more on board with being BPD than with being MDD. Hahaha! But it wasn’t until 2007 that I was actually given pamphlets about the differences of the bipolar spectrums and I was still confused. I’m always making things more difficult than they need to be. Maybe it’s because I really want to know about it so bad, plus I overanalyze things alot.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I have MDD too, and I find that a lot less disturbing than BPD… So you’re the exception to this, lol. Oh I can relate to always making things more difficult than they should be, and overanalyze almost everything. Don’t know why we do this to ourselves. 😛

          Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m sorry you’re having such an awful time at work. I know what it’s like with an overwhelming workload, doing stuff that’s scary, dealing with people and their personalities. Exerting yourself beyond your capacity. I watch that clock and coach my way through each day. It sounds like you’re really battling and possibly compromising your health by staying there, especially if its triggering your anxiety and suicidal ideation. If you can, I’d look for other employment. Something better, that’s more ‘you’, with kind people 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I agree with Pieces of Bipolar to find employment more suited for you so it doesn’t feel so tasking and also with co workers who aren’t so emotionally abusive. I also want to apologize for bombarding your post with my personal experiences, but it’s the only way (by giving examples) that I personally can get people I respond to to understand that I too have gone through the similar and or exact same situations.

      Liked by 2 people

    2. Thank you. I really think I’m compromising my health. I never really get sick, but I think my immune system has been in chaos. My mind is in chaos. I can’t seem to switch off, even when relaxing and doing things I usually enjoy. I’m drained and completely exhausted. I’m struggling to sleep. It’s so stressful. Thanks for the suggestion of looking for something that’s more me. I didn’t actually really think of that. It makes sense. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. What I’ve discovered over time is that as soon you start getting sick because your immune system is down, its means you are in distress. My psychiatrist explains it as – when our moods are all the place, the physical body experiences inflammation which reduces the immune system. He once prescribed a 3 day course of voltarin injections for me when I was going through a tough time. It makes sense, the voltarin relaxes your muscles which decreases the inflammation and stops the immune system from becoming compromised. May ask him for something along those lines. I injected myself in the bum, but pharmacies usually offer the service for a small fee and without appointment. Take care, I hope you feel more settled soon

        Liked by 1 person

  11. I understand you completely. My job is so stressful for a “normal” person so to throw CPTSD in there for me, that equals agony. There is not a day I do not leave upset and overwhelmed. It’s good that we can work because others can not, but it is so damn hard to do.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I think it is incredibly brave that you have been sticking it out so far! What a horribly abusive environment to be in..I would also just walk out if it got too much, as your health is more important! I can also understand however, how important it is for you to be self-sufficient as much as possible..I’m glad that you called your agency and they are looking for alternative employment..There is no shame in admitting that a stressful work environment just isn’t for you…
    I sure as hell know that it isn’t for me. BPD is a form of CPTSD..so for those of us with CPTSD, additional pressure and stress is harmful..
    Look after yourself as best as you can and please don’t feel like a failure..I am sure there is a job out there for you, where your boss will be nicer and not so ignorant of those with mental health problems..She sounds like a nasty narc! Hugs to you…xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve actually been thinking about this a lot. When I didn’t have a job, I was stressed about money and still living at home. But now that I’m in this work environment, I feel a hundred times worse. So I need to choose the lesser of the two evils. Going to do what I can to find something else. Definitely half day. I’m done with full day work, it’s just too much.

      My boss (I call her Head Dragon Lady), actually told me today why do I have depression. It’s just something people throw around and not real. That I have so much to be thankful for, and whatever has happened in the past (she knows NOTHING about my past) is over and there’s no reason to be depressed. I wanted to slap her. Hopefully soon I won’t have to deal with her shit anymore.

      Thanks for your comment and the hugs. 🙂 xx

      Like

  13. oh Rayne, I’m so sorry you are in this place … I was there once. Feeling everything the same way, I would end up in the bathroom in tears at least once a day. You are a sensitive, I believe this contributes to what the medical world deems as our illnesses. If that stikes a note, read up on it, and not any that see it in a negative light because it is a gift, one just needs to understand it in order to make it work for ya. hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. 🙂 I’ve read up a lot on that. I’m definitely a highly sensitive person. So having all these mental health issues and dealing with a bad environment doesn’t help at all. Hugs back at you. 🙂 xx

      Like

      1. You should take care of you, love you, whatever shape that takes. You have something very special out there waiting for you. Stop believing all those lies about yourself, looking for inner healing where you feel comfortable and be happy! My son has BPD, he doesnT know it, but I see it, he is highly sensitive(which he tries to shut down) and intelligent ….. so am I and am diagnosed with chronic depression …. etal. So I understand, because I relate. When I started meditating with the Light things started getting better and clearer. I’m here if ever you want to talk. hugs xo

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot to me. 🙂 Won’t your son want to go see a therapist? I know men usually don’t want to go down that route though. Thanks for the offer to talk, and I’m here for you too. Hugs to you. 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Thank you, for your offer! No unfortunately, his father is very religious and at an early age, kinda put it in his mind that the only thing that will help is “Jesus”. Which he totally feels is a complete waste of time for mankind in general. He and I have agreed to disagree when it comes to spirituality. He has just been convicted of assault, so one of his terms of probation is to receive couselling. I hope he “shows” up. As an teenager I would take him but he wouldn’t “show up.” 😪

            Liked by 1 person

  14. ‘Read up on depression’ …. how utterly patronising. That guy shouldn’t be allowed to work on a crisis line.
    I regularly feel like this at work, I have to take myself away before my brain explodes… it’s horrible isn’t it ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh yes, completely patronising. And infuriating. Maybe I should volunteer at that crisis line. I was actually thinking about that, lol.

      I don’t know which bright spark came up with the 5-day work concept. It’s so damn unbalanced. At least if it was 4 days of work and 3 of weekend, everyone would be less stressed in today’s day and age. Thanks for your comment. 🙂 xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I completely agree… it totally overwhelms me and then I really struggle to make any plans for the weekends . I need time to recuperate from being around people. You should!! It sounds like they need someone with empathy xx

        Like

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