What’s This Now? A Therapy Break?

It was one of those therapy sessions where it felt like I was talking to a best friend. It flowed, conversation was easy and seemed effortless.

Relationship with Therapist has been great. There was a little bit of a rupture a few weeks ago, but we got past that quickly. Thank god. But I learned and grew from it, so I’m glad it actually happened. Strange how it seems to work that way for me. While it’s happening, my world is in utter chaos and I feel like my heart is breaking into a million tiny pieces. Then I bounce back and quickly fall into that intimate, idealization state with her again. It also shows how good she actually is. In most of my relationships, whenever something went wrong, it felt like the end of the world. Like the relationship was broken and ruined. And that’s the way I feel when I feel a disconnect with Therapist. But she pulls me back in and helps me see that just because these things happen, and that relationships aren’t always easy, it doesn’t mean it’s going to end and that it can’t be fixed. I’ve already learned and grown so much from this special relationship we share. I’m so grateful for and to her.

We spoke about a few things, and near the end of the session, she wanted to discuss something with me. She reminded me of her upcoming vacation. That she’ll be away most of December and for a little bit of January. I’ve known about this for a while already, as we spoke about it very briefly before. But I didn’t allow myself to really think about it. When she brought it up again today, I can’t tell you what I felt. Because I still don’t know either. The emotions are somewhere there, but I just can’t see or feel them yet.

I was in such a hyper mood during the session and on cloud nine (thanks to my new very special relationship), and so happy to be talking to Therapist again, that I don’t think it registered. A part of me gets it, but another part of me seems to be shielding me from the absoluteness of it. It’s there. In the background of my mind. And I’m worried about what will happen once it hits me full force. I’ve never gone longer than 2 weeks without talking to her (and even that is painful), so I’m not sure how I’ll survive a month. Writing this, it still doesn’t feel quite real yet. I feel disconnected from this reality.

She wants us to prepare for this upcoming break, and we have a few weeks in which to do it. She wants my input and suggestions on how to make it easier for me. I’m not entirely sure, but I’ll definitely be thinking about it. I did come up with one thing though. I asked whether she’d do a voice recording for me, which she seemed on board with.

I’m busy deciding what I’d like her to include in this message, and one thing that kept coming up is that I want her to reassure me that she’s ‘real’. I didn’t really understand it. Actually I’ve never understood why I have this problem with things and especially people not feeling real to me, especially during absences. But tonight I think I have finally figured it out. And it’s something I’m planning on talking to her about. It’s an important part of the puzzle that is me. And a pattern I need to break free from.

I think other things that I’d like to hear is a reminder that she cares. That just because I can’t see her, it doesn’t mean that she’s gone. That she won’t think of me, or that she’ll forget about me. I want to be reassured that she’s not abandoning me, and will be coming back. That’s what I’m thinking… But I don’t know whether that’s too much?

I know a lot of you have had these extended therapy breaks. How did/do you cope? What has helped you through this time? I know we’re all different, and what works for one person, won’t necessarily work for someone else. But it will be interesting to hear about this from you.

I want to be as prepared as possible. Because I know this isn’t going to be easy.

21 responses to “What’s This Now? A Therapy Break?”

  1. So sorry you will have to go so long without contact. I like the recording idea. The more honest you can be about what you need from her, the more helpful it will be. It’s okay to ask for her to reassure you…I’m sure she will understand. She sounds like a great therapist!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Breaks wont be apparent until you actually have to contend with her not being there. That is when you will have the real feelings and I wont lie, I think it will be challenging. I had a months break with my therapist in September. I asked her to contact me on the days we usually meet. That worked really well.

    I really went through nearly all the same things as you facing into my own break from therapy. I had a thought that you may have issues with what is called ‘object constancy’. When we lack this we feel that when people go away they cease to exist or be real in some way.

    Blogging about what you go through over her absence will really help. If you have had a lot of loss it may bring up a lot of fear or other feelings you might not fully be in touch with (that was my experience).

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your input. I appreciate it. 🙂 I do have a problem with object constancy. It frustrates me, but therapy will, and is, helping me with that. I’ll definitely blog during that time. It’s another form of therapy for me, so I’m glad that I decided to start one. 🙂 xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Breaks are so hard. Just so difficult. It took me a long time to acknowledge and talk about the fact that I would miss him on breaks. We actually do Skype sessions while he’s on vacation becsuse I tend to completely melt down and he is comfortable doing it to give me object consistency. It’s very difficult. Talking about it is painful but ultimately helpful (easier to say than to do)

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks for sharing this. He sounds great, allowing you to still have contact during his vacations. I’m sure I’ll hear from my therapist during that time, via a text message every now and then. It’s our ‘thing’ lol.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Extended breaks in therapy are difficult. I like your idea of a recording and think that asking for reassurance that you will be remembered is fine, I often need that too. I have had my therapist write me a letter or send me an email so that I can keep reading it while they are gone.
    I also mark the days off on the calendar, this helps me to see that the time is passing and not standing still forever as I fear.
    I find that changing my routine helps. I plan a “holiday” for myself, doing things that I don’t do very often and making time to do lots of things I enjoy.
    You could also maybe try a “panic project”. This could be buying some kind of creative kit to make, or reading a set of books or researching a favourite subject, something where you will have a finished work at the end.
    Keep blogging! Whatever feelings come up for you will be helpful to work on when she comes back and may help to make the next break a little bit easier.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. OMG, Rayne have I been there. I had this therapist in Austin (right after I left my husband and ran away) luckily I was able to attain a therapist that worked with low- income people. SHE WAS AMAZING. I swear I loved her. I went every week. It was like I need to be in her presence just to cry. I’m a strong woman and I don’t know but for some reason, I tend to hold my strength and tears in UNTIL I saw her on Thurdsay’s. She knew me, she understood me, I wanted to be her only patient and if I could have paid her to allow me to come every single day I swear I would have.

    I think it’s interesting that you wanted to record your therapist’s voice before she left. Kinda like a pacifier to pacify yourself when you needed a mother’s voice to be pacified. When you needed to be calm and stay calm and almost to be reassured to keep from losing your mind. I don’t blame you Rayne and I am so happy that agreed to do so. NOW THAT’S A DARN GOOD THERAPIST.

    When I left to come back to my husband, boy did I suffer withdraw from her. She was the only reason why I wanted to go back to Austin! Forget every other reason. LOL! There were times when my husband continued to treat me like crap and guess what? I’d call her. I’m sure I became pretty annoying especially with me being four hours away and especially since I was no longer one of her clients.
    Then one day when I really needed her, I called and guess what they told me? She had completed her therapist’s training and had moved on. OMG! I totally panicked. My heart began racing and I felt like fainting.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m glad you got to have such a good therapist, if only for a while. I completely understand about how you wish you could see her every day. I feel the same way about my therapist. I get jealous of her other clients sometimes, which she knows. She always reassures me though that I’m not going to be replaced, and that she’ll always make time for me. I’m sorry that you got such bad news when you tried to call her. 😦 Have you seen any other therapists since then?

      Liked by 1 person

  6. The voice recording sounds like a very comforting thing to hold onto. Just think about the key things you would like her to say to you, especially in those moments where you are feeling low.
    The suggestions from everyone else are great! xx much love ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I know I don’t handle breaks well at all with my therapist. It’s soooooo hard when you have that therapeutic relationship because even though therapy isn’t easy you do know that they care.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I empathize with therapy breaks – they are hard, really hard. I find recordings and emails and physical objects are helpful. But not to sugar-coat or gloss over the fact that even with those, it is fucking hard. It is hard to be with the emotions that surface during the break, and I have found that confronting my fears and NOT avoiding, has been the most helpful. And planning ahead. Avoiding feels better temporarily, but talking about it ahead of time always goes better for me.

    Liked by 1 person

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