Empty

Today I just feel empty.

Like I’m walking through this world without a soul right now.

Last week I set up a meeting with my boss. I wanted to tell her that I’ve been feeling uncomfortable in the office, as though they don’t want me there. I asked her what I could do to improve and whether there was anything she felt I needed to work on. She was angry that I had requested a meeting, since we were scheduled to only have a meeting at the end of the month. But that didn’t cut it for me. I wanted to find out what I need to work and improve on. Because it won’t help me to ask that the end of the month, as my probation period will be over. So what good will it do me then? A few months ago, I would never have had the courage to speak to her, tell her my concerns and ask for feedback on my work. But I did it last week. I really feel like therapy is helping me. I’ve noticed a few changes already. This being one of them.

Those of you who have read my previous post on my work situation, know that I wasn’t happy there. On Friday, I got handed my week’s notice, which really shocked me. I wasn’t expecting that. I was planning on leaving at the end of the month anyway, but now my last working day is the 18th, so I’ll only be getting part of my salary. I was counting on my full salary. But there’s nothing I can do about it. It is what it is. When I got that notice, I had surges of different emotions flooding me. But then, the emptiness set in. I didn’t know how I felt about it. My girlfriend spent a few nights at my place, so when I got home after work on Friday she was there, and she could see I wasn’t okay. I just fell into her arms and she held me tight. She asked me what was going on and I told her. But I was emotionless while talking about it. She asked how I felt about it, and I told her I feel empty. After that deep hug that she always gives me, and just being in her presence, I started feeling again. Content. Loved. Happy. But she had to leave yesterday afternoon, and I’ve been alone since then. Been working on my photography website and trying to get this business up and running. My back up plan.

When I woke up this morning, that emptiness grabbed a hold of me again.

My girlfriend said that maybe it’s because I haven’t been alone in a while, since we’re almost always together. And that served as a bit of a distraction. And now that I’m alone, the feelings and reality are hitting me. It makes sense.

She sent me this video, and I’m totally obsessed with it. The lyrics and music are beautiful. The song is called “Flatlands”.

Now I just need to tell my dad about this, since I live with him. I’m not looking forward to that conversation. He’s going to flip. He doesn’t understand that I’m an adult, and shouldn’t have to get his approval for everything. He’ll most probably blame me. That’s how it’s always been. I get blamed for everything that goes wrong in my life, and even in his.

I need to go into work this week, knowing that I’m not wanted there. That’s going to be hard. A part of me wants to rebel and not do anything I’m supposed to be doing. But I know I should probably just continue to work hard. I was thinking of not going in tomorrow, but then I won’t get paid up until the 18th, so I need to just push through.

I wish I can just sleep through the week, and wake up when it’s all over.

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30 thoughts on “Empty

  1. What a horrible boss. I know being given notice is humiliating, it happened to me recently…but I am so relieved you won’t be in that toxic environment any longer after next week. Your well-being matters more than anything. You’re in love with a beautiful lady, sod money or what anyone thinks. I’m glad it’s only a few more days longer for you. You have grown in strength and assertiveness and that’s fantastic. Well done 😁πŸ’ͺ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, lovely. Your words mean so much to me. She really is beautiful. You’ve seen the pictures. πŸ˜‰

      I hope this photography thing works out. I’m so nervous. Screw perfectionism. I need to just go for it. ❀ xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Grrrrrr!
    You don’t even want to know what I’d do Rayne!! Of course, you do right!?
    Firstly I’m proud of you for taking the initiative to even call a meeting to discuss what you could do differently to make your job easier. That took courage and I am sorry that what came of your walking in there and being a bigger person ended up with your boss doing what felt like her smooshing an entire banana cream pie in your face before she told you that she already planned on giving you the boot anyway.
    Now… I’m so furious right now!
    I’m not even going to get into how dare they do this or do that, but rather what I would do now and it definitely wouldn’t be “pushing through” girlfriend. I mean, they’re letting you go anyway right. See I’m so vindictive when it comes to shit like this. It’s all because of people treating me like this all the frigging time. Thinking they can treat me this way and then laugh behind my back. Bigger person, my ass!

    Anyway, I’m thankful you had your girlfriend there to help calm things down a little . It does make things easier, I’d assume. It’s better than some random person telling you to “not worry about it, they’ll be more jobs out there” Well jobs these days are hard to come by, and it can be soul smashing for those of us who really make an effort to try hard to learn the skills to keep it.

    In the meanwhile, you just keep working on what you know you’re incredible at. Keep getting better and better at it, keep the confidence up, keep your head held high and blow them all away when you become “the shit!” girlfriend!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I always enjoy reading your comments. πŸ˜‰ I’d like to have smooshed that banana cream pie all over HER damn face. I officially quit today. I can’t make it through another day there. The bullying has only gotten worse. I’m sick of this shit. So now I’m free from their clutches. Going to spend the day with my beautiful lady tomorrow. She’s taking a break from her thesis, and I’m also going to do jack shit tomorrow. So we’re going for a lovely picnic on a beautiful promenade by the ocean.

      One thing I really love about her is that she doesn’t judge me. When I tell her how I feel, she just listens and gives me these really deep, comforting hugs. No advice, no platitudes, just unconditional understanding and love. She also has BPD, so she knows what it’s like. We’re a very good force in one another’s lives. I’ve never had a healthy relationship before, but even my therapist says it sounds like a very healthy one. The therapy relationship has helped me get to this place… To be able to have a healthy, adult relationship. And I found the best person in the world for me. So I’m jobless now, but I have love, so it’s not all that bad. πŸ™‚ ❀

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Definitely the life, haha! I hope you get to experience such an amazing love one day. Things can change in the blink of an eye sometimes… No matter how hopeless a situation seems now. ❀

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  3. Rayne,

    Bosses and coworkers can be tough. Family can be tough.

    But I have to say, I’m very glad that you have that idea for the photography. I hope that takes off. How great would it be if you could be your own boss running a business which expresses your talents and creativity! That would be awesome!

    I’m also glad to hear that you have a partner in your life who you can turn to, talk to and lean on. I don’t know about you, but for myself, it really helps to have some kind of support system. Even if the other person just listens. Just to be heard. Just to be validated. For myself, that means so much.

    I’m grateful that you have this blog so that you can reach out and share things with us. Hopefully we can also be a support for you and be able to validate you.

    I don’t know the specifics of your situation and I don’t need to. That, I think, is a benefit of coming here. The anonymity which we can have, while still connecting to others who care is another thing which I find helpful. I don’t want people to know all the details of my life. I just want a quiet, safe place where I can talk (write?) to folks who care.

    I have no advice, because that’s not appropriate. I do, however, want you to know that I’ll be thinking of you. I’m very sorry that you are struggling with all that you are. I’m really routing for you and hope your career situation improves and that your life with your new partner deepens in love and becomes a very rich source of happiness and contentment…even joy.

    Be well, my friend,

    Be well and know you have folks in different parts of the whole wide world you are thinking of you and wanting the best for you! (How cool is that?)

    Theseus

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Theseus. Your comment brought tears to my eyes. I appreciate your words and caring so much. It really would be awesome to be my own boss and be able to do something I love. No one to tell me what to do, how I should be doing things, etc.

      A good support system really is so beneficial. I have my lady, a great doctor who really cares and keeps in contact with me through email just to find out how I’m doing (never had a doctor do anything like that before), and of course, my amazing therapist. And then all the support and love I get here is absolutely amazing. I never thought I’d meet so many wonderful people here.

      Thank you so much for your beautiful comment. πŸ™‚

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  4. I’m so sorry, Rayne. But I truly, truly hope that there are better things in store for you. You deserve a work environment where your hard work is appreciated, and where you are met with compassion and understanding. I know that doesn’t help the emptiness now, though. Hugs ❀

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It did not sound a nice place to work there and for you to go up to your boss and ask what you could do to make things better while there and this boss finding it too out of their way says everything about that boss. I have never known a boss like that, a boss I know would appreciate you asking in ways you could improve yourself. It shows willing. They don’t deserve you. I wish you all the best in what ever the future holds, whether it be self-employment, or with another boss, who will be better.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I hope you find another workplace soon. I have been in a situation myself, twice, where I have walked out at the end of the shift. One of them I walked out of, because of the attitudes I was facing with a supervisor, which it wasn’t just me she was doing it with. I wrote a letter the very next day to the boss, as to why and revealed everything I was aware that this supervisor was doing to others, as well as trying it on with me. I got paid up to what I owed, but it would have been because of me being deaf, the situation I had and how I felt, as well as revealing the rest, that I think they thought, better pay me as I would probably take it further.

        The other job I left because of how long I was working and no breaks involved. Something that was not made clear to me at the interview.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. so sorry you are in this place, it won’t last. There is obviously something better for you out there and you have love! the project is deciding how you are going to love yourself and keep yourself safe regarding your father. I think this is where the emptiness comes from, not wanting the pain of rejection yet again. hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have love. πŸ™‚ Yes, the rejection is horrible. Hearing how terrible I am, and feeling like I constantly need to have his approval for him to actually be nice. Thanks for your comment. ❀

      Liked by 1 person

      1. your father must be in terrible torment himself to be so mean to his own daughter….. I’m sad for you both. The more you learn to love and appreciate who you are, the more you will be able to love him as well and your relationship will start to heal. It’s like you have to see yourself as the parent and him the angry child. But take care of you for now! πŸ’•

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I think so too. I’ve tried to speak to him a few times and asked him whether he wouldn’t want to just go see a professional… Someone to talk to. But he just said that he doesn’t need to. He doesn’t have issues, because he doesn’t fixate on them, and he doesn’t even think about his past. That sounds to me like he’s in denial and burying things that should get healed, not pushed away.

          Liked by 1 person

  7. Wow, so sorry you’re having a difficult time and I’m sorry about the work notice! Hang in there, better things are coming your way! As for the emptiness, it can be difficult to deal with. Maybe take a few moments to yourself and sip on some hot tea, meditate, or write a gratitude list! Simple suggestions but they’ve helped me in the past πŸ™‚ best of luck to you!!

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  8. Better things are indeed coming your way lovely! I know what it feels like to be told you are not wanted at work..I used to work in a care home where my superior was a narcissistic bully! She was nasty towards me at every opportunity she could find..Sending you lots of strength for your last week and know that all your friends are cheering you on!
    I am so happy you are in love with a lovely lady πŸ™‚ I had no idea. Is she the other girl in the photo you sent me? So so happy you have someone to comfort and love you! You deserve it so much and you are making huge progress…It takes guts to confront a bully ( or in this case your boss! eurgh!!! ) ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, my friend. I’m sorry you had such a horrible experience as well. And look at you now… Doing so well inspiring and helping others. πŸ˜‰ Thanks for your lovely comment. πŸ™‚ xx

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Hi friend
    It has been a long time since we talked. The strength to ask for meeting, speaking your mind are Huge steps. Your Mental Illness is complicationed, that you know for sure.
    I want to thank you again for taking time to give me the Basics, I had someone enter my life with BPD, I can’t say my knowledge made the difference from a treatment view. What you did was help me better understand what was happening. Let’s stay in touch. My reply gave me the idea of asking you to share 3-4 post to broaden knowledge on Survivors Blog Here and Looking For The Light
    Blog. Both of my sites a large % have Mental Illness. It might be therapeutic for you. Let me know what you think. πŸ™πŸŒŽπŸ‡±πŸ‡· 😎M

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi! Lovely to hear from you again. πŸ™‚ I’m glad I could help you better understand BPD. I’m completely up for your idea. Send me an email with the details and I’ll have a look. ❀

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  10. Pingback: Interview Panic Sets In – Journey Toward Healing

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