The Question Of Sexuality

I’ve received a few emails by some of my amazing followers (aka: my people), regarding my sexuality. So I thought I’d write a post for those who are curious.

I’ve never liked labels. I never identified myself as straight, lesbian, bisexual or any of those labels. Firstly, because I was confused about my sexuality, and secondly, because it filled me with shame and embarrassment.

I remember when I first started therapy. We got on the subject of sexuality, and I told my therapist that I don’t know what I am. What I identify as. I’ve read that those of us with BPD struggle with our sexuality. So that made perfect sense. It was the story of my life.

But over the past few years, I’ve started realizing that it doesn’t matter. Why should it matter who we love? After all, isn’t it the soul that attracts us the most? And if it’s purely physical, is it really love? To me, it isn’t about the outer shell, but rather what’s inside. It’s not about the body. It’s about connecting to the soul. It’s a deep soul connection.

I’m a human. Not a label. I’ve never been opposed to falling in love with a male. I actually used to wish I would. Just so I could conform to society’s norm. But fuck the norm. Why shouldn’t love be the norm, and not the form that love takes?

Over the years, I’ve only fallen in love with two women. My ‘first love’, which was never actually a relationship in the first place. And now, my current girlfriend. I’ve been attracted to guys, sure, but I never felt that connection with them. They always felt like brothers or just friends.

An example is my first ‘real’ boyfriend. I just wanted to be friends with him, but every time we’d go out he’d ask me to be his girlfriend. I would always turn him down, but he never got the picture. Until one day, I just gave in and said “okay”. I liked him. I sometimes thought I might be falling in love with him. But the truth was, I saw him more as a good friend, and sometimes even a brother. Which confused me a lot. Especially when it came to the physical intimacy.

In my early twenties, there was another guy I liked. I thought I was in love with him. We had only gone out once. I was friends with his sister, which is how we met. One night we all went out to a bar, and I went to go order drinks with my friend. When I got back to the group, I saw him making out with another girl. My heart broke. I downed my drink, and went back for another one. And another. But the next day, I was over it and realized I wasn’t actually in love with him. I was just lonely and desperate. I had just been trying to conform. To force myself to feel something for someone because he was a he and not because I liked him as a person. As a matter of fact, I didn’t really even like his personality. He was a complete moron.

Why should labels exist? The answer: They shouldn’t. It’s not an illness. We’re all human. Our sexual orientation doesn’t make us who we are.

With my current girlfriend, I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I was happy being single. Sure, I got lonely, but it didn’t make me want to get on the relationship bandwagon again. So I didn’t expect things to go the way they did, and to feel this way about her.

I used to wonder… Am I the way I am, because of the trauma I experienced? Or is it simply how I’ve always been? I can’t tell, because some things happened before I reached the age where children start becoming interested in boys or girls. I didn’t have a stable mother figure in my life, and I had bad experiences with men. But it’s not something that bothers me anymore. I don’t care either way, I just thought it was an interesting train of thought.

The way I see it, is that at the end of the day, love is love, no matter how you look at it. It’s two people who care deeply about one another. Who connect on an intimate level.

That’s all that matters.

18 responses to “The Question Of Sexuality”

  1. Thank you Rayne Thank you for being brave and honest. I’m proud of you. If you read my last blog you see that I too was just needing someone to love and I thought it should have and was supposed to have come from a man because like you said it was the norm. Well back in the 1986-1991 my only three beauties would have laughed in my face if they’d known I felt more comfortable with them than any boy. Sure I had crushes on boys too, but if they’d asked be out, I’d run like the wind. Thing is they never asked me out…
    Then in college I had a really awesome male best friend named Jason. All I wanted was to be friends. he knew me like the back of his hand. He wanted more but more but I’d always make excuses like ewww that thing on his neck disturbs me or his lips were way too thin, or he was just way way way too skinny. As a matter of fact I was always rejecting some guy that would finally take interest. LOL!
    So anyway, one day he gave up. He finally gave up on me! Out of the blue he hot this girlfriend, and I was devastated. Then…that’s when I wanted him. That’s the BPD started showing it’s weary head. So I wanted him back. Bwahahaha! He rejected me and rejected me.
    So I had to move on. All my friends that were girls I’d wished I could spend the rest of my life with, but their damn boyfriend’s got in the way. So I was lonely again. So what did I do? I married a fucking man. An asshole. And I’ve been miserable with him for 17 years now.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I only realized now that I hadn’t replied to your comment, so I’m sorry it’s so late. It’s always nice to hear someone say that they’re proud of you, so thank you so much. 🙂

      I’m with you on always making excuses not to get together with a guy. I did that so much in high school. There were so many guys that kept wanting more, but I just couldn’t go there. I couldn’t feel whatever it was that they were feeling.

      It’s sucks that you’re stuck with a man that doesn’t appreciate you the way you deserve to be appreciated. Life is hard as we only learn from our ‘mistakes’ when it’s far too late. Sometimes I wonder whether it wouldn’t have been better if we could be born backwards. That way we start life off having all this wisdom, and carrying it down the younger years. I know, this sounds insane… But that’s the type of things I wonder about when I’m bored, haha! 😛

      Liked by 2 people

      • I know, right? That’s not strange at all what you just said about being born backwards, that way we start off having all the wisdom and carrying it down the younger years” That was a great take on it!! An eye opening perspective as well.
        God, how I wish I could go back and do it all again. Knowing what I know now regarding men…damn, that’s the start of another poem. Bwahahaha!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Omg, this one time at band camp….
        No seriously though. This one time I was on this date with this guy (several actually) and this partially time (no all of them actually) I kissed him and immediately I ran into the bathroom and puked my brain out or got cramps in my stomach. I was like ” you gotta go home now” lol!
        And then there was this time when my friend had taken me to a Jon B concert and we both had got drunk and he wanted me to stay the night but I end up driving a half an hour back home and he was upset and then years later when we spoke again he told me that he couldn’t believe that I avoid it being with him and drove home and he goes “who does that!”


        • And then there was this one time….I was DJ at this Frat party and I remember it so well because that was when the song by the Red Hot Chili Peppers was popular, I think the song was called Bridge or something. I was drunk, dang I sure was drunk a lot huh? Anway, this other new boyfriend was like, you wanna go back to my place? I was like uh…sure. You wanna know what I did? I left before him and ran like five blocks back to my dorm and locked the door!! LOL!!! He came banging on door and I acted like I wasn’t there. I’m trying to make you laugh Rayne. It sucks being serious all the time right????????


  2. I am exactly the same -I hate labels and I refuse to use them – we are all different- you can’t put people in a category because no two people are the same. It’s crazy. But I swear everything you say is something I would, or have felt or said at some point In my life- you can see it in the poems I right. I really like you rayne. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

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