Why

This is a letter I wrote a few years ago, for a friend of mine who ended his life when we were 19 years old. I’m hoping that sending this out into the universe will help me let go.

Dear M,

You were one of my closest friends that year.

Standing on the balcony, without looking at me, you told me that you were in love with me. I didn’t know what to say. I just didn’t feel the same way. I didn’t want to hurt you, but I knew I didn’t want to lie to you either. I told you the truth, and I could see the disappointment and hurt all over your face. When you walked away, I wanted to come after you, but I didn’t.

You were in the house right across from me. Before I fell asleep that night, I thought of you. I didn’t know that it would be your last night. Why didn’t I come see you? I should have come to you.

But I never got a second chance.

Why couldn’t I tell how you were feeling? I’m usually good at seeing beyond masks. So then why couldn’t I see past yours?

I’m so angry with you. Why didn’t you talk to me and tell me what was wrong? Why did you leave me behind? It’s not fair.

I had just been dealing with my dad’s suicide attempts. And then you went and succeeded. How was I supposed to feel when I had just lost a few of the most important people in my life over a 2 year period before meeting you, and had to deal with my dad, and then you?

But how can I be mad at you when I have been wanting to take my own life since I was a little girl? That makes me a hypocrite. But I never followed through. I stayed when every part of me wanted to leave this life. Why couldn’t you? Why did you have to leave? Sometimes I hate you.

I couldn’t even look your parents in their eyes at your funeral. How could I tell them that I was the reason you were gone? Because that’s how I felt at the time. That maybe I was the reason you finally gave up. Sometimes I still feel like that. It seems like the only explanation. I couldn’t bear to look at your picture. I just sat there. Numb. Empty.

I was so angry the day after you left, when they told us all that God had called you home. I wanted to stand up and yell at them. How dare they say that! That was the beginning of the end of my journey of faith. I know you would probably be disappointed, but I just can’t believe in a god that allows so much injustice and suffering.

Everyone else seemed to be over it after a few days, and carried on as if it had never happened. But I just couldn’t. Nothing felt real, and everything was a blur for the next few months. Life seemed to go on around me, people talking and laughing, my best friend didn’t even know how much I was struggling. I couldn’t talk about you. I wasn’t interested in anything. The voices all around me, seemed like they were miles away.

My heart is broken today.
Never again will I see your warm smile.
Never again will I hear your contagious laughter.

You were only 19. Your whole life was ahead of you.
You’ll never get to see another sunrise or sunset.
You’ll never get to feel the cool breeze on your skin.
You’ll never get to see the beauty of a baby being born.
You’ll never get to see the random acts of kindness that warm the soul.
You’ll never get to experience the love you deserved.

I’m so sorry for letting you down.

I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.

You’ll always have a space in my heart.

Love,
Rayne

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25 thoughts on “Why

  1. Such an intense and emotional letter. I felt every feeling..I am so sorry! 😦 I also once knew a guy who took his own life..He had also asked me out once and I told him I wasn’t interested..We weren’t close but I knew he was disappointed. A month later he died and I couldn’t help feeling like I was partly to blame. I felt very strange for a very long time afterwards. Hugs x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Rayne, what a heart breaking story, Im sure it caused you even more pain to share this again, thank you. I was reading recently about hsp and suicide and they said those with hsp are less likely to go through with it because they process so deeply the effect it would have on those left behind. I can say this is truly why I am stlii here. As badly as I didn’t want to feel anything anymore, Incoulsn’t do that to my family. Maybe it was because I was a cop and dealt with it first hand numerous times, or maybe the hsp, probably both. I hope you are feeling better, it couldn’t have been easy to relive this. Hugs, Barn

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Barney. I’d been thinking about him lately, and then I came across this letter again. I didn’t know that about HSP’s and suicide. That’s very interesting, and makes so much sense. Thanks so much for sharing that with me. There’s always been someone, or multiple people, that I’ve thought about during those intensly dark moments, and I can honestly say that they’re the reason I didn’t go through with it. I’m glad you’re still here. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Always here for you. Can go offline if you wish. I lost a friend at church years ago. He was our worship Leader, a gifted musician, singer and human being but he couldn’t see an end to his sorrow after losing his son and wife to a DUI accident. I miss him still. he taught me so much about how to work with musicians as the soundguy. I miss you Gary!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Regret is such a terrible thing. It can keep pain and sorrow always just at the surface even years later. I am sure you know in your head that this was his choice, but I do understand that your heart can feel so differently. Hugs!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re so right. Regret is difficult to live with. I know it was his decision, and even though I still feel guilt over the fact that I couldn’t save him and that I contributed to it, other times I know there was nothing I could have done. Thanks for the hugs! xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Words don’t fix it, but time is still available if you permit it. Of course, the impression of his life on your soul and body won’t go away, but, with luck it will fade … I’m hoping so and for most, it does. Condolences.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it. He’ll definitely always have an impression on my soul and body. I still feel the grief sometimes, but it’s not as powerful as it used to be.

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