You know those mornings where you wake up feeling younger than your adult self? Fragile and sensitive. Where the smallest hint of rejection, abandonment, and even an innocent look that we may find threatening, sends us into dysregulation mode? That’s where I find myself today.
I texted my girlfriend good morning, and she replied (she always does), but she seemed distant and like she didn’t want to talk to me… All this was in my head, with no actual proof to back it up. I wondered whether she was angry with me for some reason. I asked her, and told her how I’m feeling. That I feel unwanted by everyone (there’s that black and white thinking again) and uncared for. It turns out she was just distracted, because she was getting ready to go work at a friends house. She reassured me that everything is fine, that she’s not mad at all. That she loves me, cares about me and wants me. I apologized for being such a drama queen, because I hate how I overreact to things. I feel so guilty and stupid afterward. I asked her whether she was sure she still wanted to be with me. In that moment, I felt like I was too much for her, and I didn’t want to put her through any of my shit. I’m used to people running. But she doesn’t run. She stays.
She understands and validates my feelings without judgement. She reasures me over and over again when I really need it. She has BPD herself, so if anyone understands my different states and moods, and how it feels, it’s her. I’m so grateful for this lady.
I almost got into a car accident earlier, and got such a fright that I started screaming and swearing at the guy that almost hit me. I lost my shit. And afterward I just cried all the way home. All I wanted to do was hurt myself. I was on the verge, but then I remembered that my girlfriend and I had made somewhat of a pact. That for a month, we wouldn’t hurt ourselves. It was frustrating that I couldn’t do what I wanted to do with every fibre of my being, but I managed to resist it.
I got a letter today from the university I applied at when I still had my job, informing me that I’ve been accepted into their Psychology program. That’s just another knife to my chest. It’s distance learning, and quite cheap considering it’s a university degree. But I still can’t afford it. My heart is broken. I can’t even take out a study loan since I’m not working. I don’t know any other solutions. I feel so hopeless and hate life right now. I just don’t feel like I want to go on anymore. What’s the point?
But I know that I’ll stay in this world. I always do.