A Fragile State

Brain: Offline.
Emotions: Activated.
Warning: Run.

You know those mornings where you wake up feeling younger than your adult self? Fragile and sensitive. Where the smallest hint of rejection, abandonment, and even an innocent look that we may find threatening, sends us into dysregulation mode? That’s where I find myself today.

I texted my girlfriend good morning, and she replied (she always does), but she seemed distant and like she didn’t want to talk to me… All this was in my head, with no actual proof to back it up. I wondered whether she was angry with me for some reason. I asked her, and told her how I’m feeling. That I feel unwanted by everyone (there’s that black and white thinking again) and uncared for. It turns out she was just distracted, because she was getting ready to go work at a friends house. She reassured me that everything is fine, that she’s not mad at all. That she loves me, cares about me and wants me. I apologized for being such a drama queen, because I hate how I overreact to things. I feel so guilty and stupid afterward. I asked her whether she was sure she still wanted to be with me. In that moment, I felt like I was too much for her, and I didn’t want to put her through any of my shit. I’m used to people running. But she doesn’t run. She stays.

She understands and validates my feelings without judgement. She reasures me over and over again when I really need it. She has BPD herself, so if anyone understands my different states and moods, and how it feels, it’s her. I’m so grateful for this lady.

I almost got into a car accident earlier, and got such a fright that I started screaming and swearing at the guy that almost hit me. I lost my shit. And afterward I just cried all the way home. All I wanted to do was hurt myself. I was on the verge, but then I remembered that my girlfriend and I had made somewhat of a pact. That for a month, we wouldn’t hurt ourselves. It was frustrating that I couldn’t do what I wanted to do with every fibre of my being, but I managed to resist it.

I got a letter today from the university I applied at when I still had my job, informing me that I’ve been accepted into their Psychology program. That’s just another knife to my chest. It’s distance learning, and quite cheap considering it’s a university degree. But I still can’t afford it. My heart is broken. I can’t even take out a study loan since I’m not working. I don’t know any other solutions. I feel so hopeless and hate life right now. I just don’t feel like I want to go on anymore. What’s the point?

But I know that I’ll stay in this world. I always do.

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11 thoughts on “A Fragile State

  1. Hang in there! There are folks out here routing for you as well as wishing and hoping the best for you.

    It’s cool that you have such insight into what is going on and why.

    It’s good that you have a support system – someone who understands and is there for you.

    I’m having a tough time myself, but it helps if I can offer some support to a “fellow traveler.” I get it. There are some days when the smallest things trigger the largest reactions. Don’t know about you, but such days kinda piss me off! (lol)

    I can’t tell you how to live your life or give some lame fairyland advice. All I can say is that I’m thinking of you and routing for you. I wish the best for you. I get it. Often, I don’t see the point either, but I’m not going to quit either.

    Squinting my eyes and thinking hard to send you “positive vibes.”

    Remember, you matter. You count. You deserve to be happy and at peace. Hang tough and know that there are some of us out here who are “with you.”

    Theseus

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Theseus — I understood what you wrote to Rayne — very supportive. For what it is worth, in the ’40s and ’50s and ’60s the phrase “fellow traveler” was associated with those who were thought, during the “Red Scare” of that time (when Communists were believed by some reactionaries to be hiding under beds and infiltrating the US government) to be close associates of those alleged and imaginary people plotting the overthrow of the republic. Just a friendly FYI.

      And to you, Rayne, keep being your stalwart self. Think, perhaps, of those trees that bend so that they don’t break.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks for that interesting history of “fellow traveler”. I find it incredibly interesting when you share these types of things. 🙂

        I like that metaphor (I struggle with the difference between analogy and metaphor, haha) of the trees. Thanks for that. 🙂

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    2. Thanks for your wonderful support again, my friend. I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time. If you ever want someone to talk to, you can email me as well. So you know where to find me. 🙂 I also just want to say that you matter as well, and you have a really good heart. 🙂

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  2. Awww, Rayne. You know what I’m NOT going to say right? I’m your friend. I feel for and my heart goes out to not only you but for US. I’ve been there. I’m there right now, only in a different circumstance. We overreact. Even the slightest “tone” from anyone. We get sorta paranoid and begin ASSUMING shit instead of going straight to the person and asking them who what where and how? But I’m glad that you did, however, you still seem like you aren’t sure. Maybe all of the extra stress. If feels like one terrible thing leads to another and it seems like it gets worse or goes down hill from there. Your girlfriend, the car accident, your acceptance into the school which is a great thing, but the fact that you don’t have the finance to pay for it coupled with the anticipation of this new job and the excuses you are already creating aka creating anxiety is only making you more depressed. Shit, I’ve there.

    One thing I will say that I do apologize for is I do put it straight in a person’s face their REALITY that they aren’t will to deal with. I hate dealing with mine. But I cant escape it. Like for instance, I may have reiterated half of them back to you above. I can’t help that I keep it real. That’s just me Rayne. Life sucks for us. It really does. I most likely half the time won’t have positive or encouraging words for you because like I’ve said before in a personal email with you “we” are in the same boat, if you can understand what I mean.

    Picture us in floating on that piece of wood in the Titanic movie. We’re on top of it, some people will say “It’ll be alright, someone will come for us eventually” but me let’s face the fact, let’s face reality, what if they don’t? What if we both freeze to death? I’m a person who always prepares for the worst just in case. Just in case, because I’m so used to being disappointed. Like you I’m so used to people abandoning me that I’m afraid to make even one friend. Let’s say on this floating piece of wood you decide to take a chance and swim and go for it and leave me behind. It’s something that I would need to be prepared for. Just please reassured that your girlfriend is there. Trust that what she tells you is true regarding her feelings towards you. Maybe knowing this will make your life smoother ( I know sometimes that feels impossible, but we gotta try). I know that if my husband showed he cared and was more sensitive I really think I wouldn’t be afraid to do anything, not anything at all because I know that he is always there to support me. Sorta like your girl. Youv’e said it yourself before with her you feel safe and like no matter what you’re not alone. You’ll never be alone on that piece of wood. Excuse my rambling. But I do know how your feeling right now, hun.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome just pleade tell me when I talk to much. Haha! AND please don’t say that “you’re sorry” for me either. We both are in similar boats. So we can mutually be sorry without having to say it….

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