Already Missing Her

Today I had my last therapy session for 2016.

The next time I’ll be seeing Therapist is on the 10th of January 2017. I know I’ll survive and that life will carry on as usual, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t miss her and think about her every day.

I’ve been having a lot of bad dreams about her going away. About me not being a part of her personal life. But on the other hand, I love this therapeutic relationship. It’s more intimate than any other relationship I’ve ever had, and I know that it wouldn’t be the same if we were friends, or even family. The therapeutic relationship is a very special type of relationship, and I treasure it.

A part of me feels abandoned by her. That she won’t be here for me during December, which is the worst time of the year for me. But that’s Emotion Mind speaking. Rational and Wise Mind knows that this break is important for her. This part is glad that she’s going to have a break and be able to recharge. That she’ll be spending time with those she loves. And that makes me feel happy. It’s just hard to reconcile the two parts at the same time. It’s either-or, depending on which frame of mind I’m in at that moment.

The fear of her not coming back in the new year is there too. The fear that she’ll forget about me. But I trust her more than I did in the beginning few months, thanks to her consistency. So that isn’t my main fear. Especially now that we’ve already set a date and time for our next session. That really helps as well. She also sent me a beautiful recording, which I’ll listen to whenever I feel I’m missing her too much and just want her to come back. I don’t want to forget her.

I think my biggest fear is that I’ll lose that connection I feel with her. What if when she comes back, I don’t feel that connection anymore? I tend to push people away and put a shield around my heart if I don’t see them for a while, or feel I’m going to be rejected. That way I won’t have to feel that intense longing or pain. But I don’t want to do that with her.

I told Therapist about all the plans I have in place for December. Constructive activities that will help me through this difficult time. Such as working on the book I’ve started writing, blogging, studying Psychology through those free online courses (MIT’s Introduction to Psychology, for example) and textbooks, reading through Marsha Linehan’s DBT Skills Training Manual (and practicing those skills). And most importantly, spending time with my girlfriend, who recently told me “I’ll be here. I’m not going anywhere”.

Trying to explain to someone (like my dad and stepmom) who just don’t get it, about how hard this is going to be for me, is like trying to explain physics to a three year old. Yes, I’m attached to my therapist. And maybe that’s not normal or understandable to most people. But it’s real to me. And it makes sense for me.

Going into this session, I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn’t expect the goodbye would hurt this much. I feel this overwhelming sense of loss, and I don’t know why.

I don’t want to see it as a “goodbye”. Instead, I choose to see it as “see you soon”.

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27 thoughts on “Already Missing Her

    1. Thanks Alexis. This is the first time that I’ll have to go so long without seeing her. So I don’t think I’m at that stage yet. I’m sure it will be better during her next vacation. For some reason, right now, it feels like she’s gone. As in gone gone. These feelings don’t make sense.

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  1. Your fear and feelings of abandonment are understandable, but I think your approach is grounded. I find your coping skill of ‘Emotion Mind vs Rational and Wise Mind’ so interesting. I’ve never heard it put that way. I’m going to add it to my coping skill tool box 🙂

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  2. Oh how well I understand your feelings with this. Its so damn hard to have a break. It’s like you said we know they are coming back but it still scares us. I’m always nervous when I finally go back and I never know why.

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  3. I would find a month really hard too – I’m still at the point where I don’t trust that my therapist will see me next week let alone after a vacation. Thankfully she only takes a week off at Christmas but does take a month off in the summer. I want to say I think you’re really doing well in being prepared, that I truly believe she will come back and that it isn’t weird to miss her. The therapeutic relationship, when it works, is one of the most intimate and unique relationships we can have in our lives. I’ll be thinking of you and cheering you on!

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    1. I get the fear of our therapists not showing up at our next session. I struggled with that a lot in the beginning, and even up to two months ago. But it’s slowly becoming better. Thank you for saying that I’m doing well in being prepared. I had to find ways that will help to keep myself occupied and not get caught up in depression or a panic state too often with regards to her not being around. Thanks for your support. You’re really a wonderful person. ❤

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  4. Rayne, I am with you in that therapists breaks are the worst! AND I think that you are learning a lot and doing very well and maybe this can also be a time of growth for you, knowing that your therapist will indeed come back (which is hard to internalize but sounds like you’re doing a good job) and practicing all the skills you mentioned know the meantime. I admire you 🙂

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    1. Thank you for your kind comment and words, Lily. 🙂 This break will definitely force me to use skills and develop new coping strategies as well. I like taking some of the skills I know, and have been taught, making them my own instead, because some of them don’t really work all too well for me. So I customize them to suit me, haha! ❤

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  5. I understand how you feel . I don’t have that relationship with my therapist. I don’t worry about seeing her, but all I do is detach. I have this problem with men. In the beginning I only think about who ever I am fascinated with at the time. I can’t help it – it becomes an obsession. Then with enough time – at least in my experience -they hurt me – and I close off. Honestly rayne I’m closed off from everyone except my cats. I know it sounds sad but it’s the way it’s always been. Except for the initial obsessions I’ve had and even then I’m not open to them. My greatest fear is the mortality of both of my cats I think about it and I know it sounds weird, but they are really all I have I have never told anyone this before- I just feel like I can tell you. I’m glad I found you on here.

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