Struggling With The Faceless

I thought I was fine.

So then why have I been struggling so much these past few days?

The worst part is that I don’t even know what I’m struggling with. It’s like there’s a dark hole somewhere in my mind, and I can’t grab hold of anything specific. Anything that makes sense.

My girlfriend woke me up last night with the words “what’s wrong?” or “what’s going on” (can’t quite remember which), and holding tightly onto me. I had apparently been thrashing around in my sleep and shaking. Did I have a nightmare? I can’t remember. I was just aware of my physical body in that moment of waking up. I had no emotional reaction at all, other than being disorientated.

I compare how I’ve been these past few days to last nights experience. Sensing something or more than one thing inside me, in my body, my mind… Yet unable to actually emotionally distinguish or feel what’s there. It’s as if I’ve fragmented or become disconnected from myself. I can’t even call it dissociation. Even ’emptiness’ doesn’t seem to explain it.

It feels like I’m suffering, but I have no idea why. It feels like I’m being tortured. But by what? I have absolutey no idea.

Have any of you experienced this, or know what might be going on? Also, I’d just like to know whether it’s possible to feel suicidal even when not feeling ‘obviously’ depressed or low?

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19 thoughts on “Struggling With The Faceless

  1. I think I know what you mean and I’ve never been able to really put a finger on it…only thing I can tell you is that I sometimes was able to see what was wrong in hindsight. Like I felt the way you describe here and some days later had a flashback/felt really depressed/whatever as if this feeling was a sort of herald for something else.
    And yes, for me it’s definitely possible to feel suicidal when I’m not actually depressed or low. I mostly feel suicidal when I’m empty like there’s just a massive meaninglessness…can’t explain it but it’s different from depression…hope this was understandable….

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      1. Thank you for bringing it up – I think it takes a special kind of courage to write about things you’re not sure about yet so hats off!
        Glad my response made sense to you πŸ™‚
        Hope you feel better today…

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        1. Thank you so much! I’ve found that sometimes writing during these times opens up some new insights. It didn’t help that much this time, but I’m giving it time. I’m feeling somewhat better today. Spending some time doing things I’ve been neglecting for a while. I hope you’re well. ❀

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    1. Part of it could be related to my therapist being away, but I’m not completely sure. On Sunday evening I had a few flashbacks to another event in my life, so that could also maybe have a part in in. It’s actually pretty confusing. Thanks for your comment. πŸ™‚

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  2. I have been having nightmares as well as of late. My wife wakes me up telling me that I am tossing, turning and mumbling and I can never remember the dream. I have been feeling the same way as you only I wake up in the morning severely depressed and it gets somewhat better as the day goes by. I have no enjoyment in any of my daily activities.

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    1. I’m sorry that you’re also having nightmares, and going through such a difficult time. I’m not sure what’s worse… Remembering the nightmares, or waking up after one without knowing what the hell happened. Well, at least that’s my thinking. I’m one of those people who like knowing everything… Including what I was dreaming that made my body react the way it did. Thanks for your comment. πŸ™‚

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  3. So sorry you are distressed hun..I haven’t experienced this but it sounds like something is trying to resurface or it might be the anxiety of your therapist being away….Whatever it is, I am glad you have your girlfriend to comfort you..Hope you feel better soon. Hugs xx

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    1. Thank you, lovely. That actually makes a lot of sense. It DOES seem to feel like a subconscious thing or things bubbling beneath the surface. I’m not sure what’s worse… Not being able to access it and not know, or having it burst through the wall when it eventually does. But I’m trying to just get on with doing things and not trying to focus too much on it. It will come if it has to, and I can deal with it then. We humans are so complex, lol.

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  4. I agree with Athina. It’s probably a sign of something that is soon to become conscious. You’re thrashing against in your mind, wrestling with it. It’s a PTSD thing. You’re physically acting out the struggle. Your brain is trying to fend off this intrusion. A trigger that arises in the environment one day will force it to pierce into consciousness. All in it’s own time. I know this feeling well πŸ’›πŸ’›πŸ’›

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