Taking Responsibility For My Own Insecurites

There are times where I find myself feeling insecure about the smallest things. Only, these things aren’t so small to me in the moment. During these times, I see them as something that threatens my very happiness, sanity and survival.

For example, if someone doesn’t respond the right way to a text or email. Often though, there is no ‘right way’. I can find something wrong no matter what someone may say. I put them in a position where they can’t win. Being oversensitive is a common BPD trait. It’s not fun.

Another example is someone not responding to a text or email in the time frame that I think they should, in order to make me feel secure.

Both of these examples rang true for me yesterday with regards to my girlfriend. I’m going to call her Jasmine from now on. She went home yesterday to continue working on her thesis. She works on it when she’s here too, but there are more distractions… Me being one of them, of course.

A few hours later, my Rational Mind went offline. It was as if I had forgotten that Jasmine had work to do, and that was what she had to focus on. In those moments, I thought that it had to do with me. That maybe I had done something wrong, and she was angry with me. I was about to ask her whether she was mad at me, but then I realized something.

I can’t expect others to be responsible for my insecurities. They’re mine. They don’t belong to anyone else.

So instead of asking for reassurance this time, I decided to deal with it myself. I’ll never learn how to self-soothe and deal with my own emotions if I constantly expect others to make me feel better. Just because I didn’t get the care and reassurance I needed as a child and teen, I’m an adult now. And I’m perfectly capable of reassuring myself. It’s easier said than done of course, but that’s not going to stop me from working on it.

I started thinking about what I could do to deal with these insecurities, and came up with an idea. I took a piece of paper and made a few columns. And since I like making things as easy as possible (otherwise I just procrastinate), I made the same thing in MS Word and saved it as a template for future use. For the purpose of this post, I’ve put my exercise in as an example and made a screenshot.

table-insecurities

After doing this, I felt so much better, and could focus on my own activities. When those same insecurities would rise up, I would just look at my list. I’m the queen of catastrophizing. I don’t want to be this way anymore. And only I can change it.

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23 thoughts on “Taking Responsibility For My Own Insecurites

  1. Oh my gosh this chart is so freaking cool!!!! I am going to do this next time i have this feeling. This happens to me all the time and i dont know what to do with it. You just gave me something to do with it. Thank you!

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      1. Im doing it right now. I went to the mayo clinic. The doctor told me she would email me that monday, it was friday when I saw her. 3 weeks have gone by. You can only imagine the places my head has gone and my drastic vocalizing that I will never go back there again. So I am using your chart 🙂

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        1. I understand why you would feel this way. It sounds like a really hard, stressful and frustrating situation. I’m glad you’re using the chart now. I hope it helps. 🙂 ❤

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  2. Great post Rayne! I feel the same way when the situations described in your examples occur.

    That chart reminds me so much of CBT Therapy, the ABC chart. It can be so useful/helpful to write things down.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Great job! You might consider a couple of other columns, though what you have is just fine by itself:

    Does my history suggest I might be overestimating the chance of a catastrophe?
    Would I survive if she lost interest in me? (Haven’t I survived other losses before?)
    What are the qualities I have inside of me that have enabled me to survive?

    But, as I said, no need to go beyond what you already have.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This is so helpful. Its a really important realisation to come to when we are personalising something that actually has nothing to do with us and can tap into a deep wound. Practising self care and saying gentle things to ourselves really helps and I love your spreadsheet. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree… And it’s so easy to not consider someone else, and what might actually be happening, when in the throes of our emotions and opening up of wounds. I’m glad you liked it. 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. This is brilliant, Rayne. Thank you so much for sharing. I would react very similarly to you, if someone I felt vulnerable with didn’t respond, etc. My mind runs away, too. So does my body, at times. Well done, well done.

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  6. That’s why I so many problems with friendships, and after so many years (I’m 60) I only have 2 friends in this world, but I’m lucky, some people have none. I’ve always had problems and read that is somehow connected with unloved daughters of narcissistic mothers. I believe it. Lovely writing as always. 🙂

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