Up, Up, Up

After having had a major depressive episode over the last month or so, the past few days have actually been pretty good. I felt like just another ‘normal’ person, which, as I mentioned in my previous post, I can’t remember ever feeling that way. It’s usually either way up there, or down deep. I had some low moods throughout the day, but nothing major.

I hardly slept last night (damn insomnia acting up again), yet I was okay during the morning and early afternoon. Got two bits of good news. I got a call for a job interview for Wednesday, and my Prescribed Minimum Benefits application for my therapy got approved. Which means I get 15 out-patient psychotherapy sessions, which the medical aid will cover. So for the next 3/4 months I won’t have to pay for my sessions. Now I can buy a bottle of champagne and some cake. Oh no, wait, I don’t even have money for that. At least it’s my birthday soon, so I can have some then. You’re all invited by the way. 😛 Anyway, I got the news about the PMB’s from Therapist. She sent me a text with a picture of the approval letter, and told me that it looks like I’m stuck with her now. Hell yes! Had a nice little text conversation. She really knows how to make me laugh. So I felt really good about the job interview and my PMB’s. Good, relieved (I was worried it wouldn’t get approved), and happy… But just normal happy.

But then, a few hours later, seemingly out of nowhere… I was hit with this:


I was so charged up that it actually felt a little unbearable at times. I was annoying the family, and (jokingly) got referred to as a five-year-old. Okay, I wasn’t actually annoying them, they just said that I’m overwhelmingly hyper and talking way too fast for them to wrap their minds around what I was saying (or trying to say, at least).

I wasn’t just up. I was up, up, up. So high in fact, that you would have needed a giant telescope in order to see me.

Right now? Right now I’m dropping, but not as hard and fast as I usually do. No, this time I’m coming down with a parachute. And I’m exhausted. So by the time I come to a stop on the ground (if I don’t fall flat on my face), I’ll be dreaming of champagne and cake.


44 thoughts on “Up, Up, Up

  1. This sounds so intense (and yay about the PMBs!)
    The being hyper, charged up, not sleeping, great mood, talking too fast, so much that it’s not even fun for you – to me, that sounds like hypomania (or at least, similar to what happens to me when I’m in hypomania). I forget whether or not you take meds, but if so, maybe it would be worth asking your doctor about a mood stabilizer / possible Bipolar II diagnosis? It’s not a fun diagnosis to have, but once it was figured out for me, I was started on lamotrigine and seroquel (both bipolar meds) which are changing my life (they don’t take the BPD away, but they sure stabilize the mood disorder).
    Might not be applicable to you at all, but just a thought! xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Lily! It was really intense. And it’s confusing, especially having just woken up and remembering it now, lol. I’m on meds. An antidepressant (which seems to be working now that I’ve increased my dosage), a mood stabalizer (Lamotrigine) and a Benzo for those times I’m so anxious I can’t even think straight. Doesn’t hypomania last more than a few hours though? At least as far as I know, it lasts for days in order to classified as such? I don’t THINK I have Bipolar II, although the thought has crossed my mind a few times. Will speak to my therapist about it in our next session. Thank you for these insights. 🙂

      I edited this comment, because I forgot to add something. Both my therapist and my doctor think it’s a good idea for me to go see a psychiatrist. So as soon as I can afford it, I’ll go see someone.


      1. Yes, hypomania lasts for at least a few days, but for me, having both BPD and bipolar, within the hypomania, there are still mood swings. It’s like having a base of depression or a base of hypomania but still the typical BPD stuff within that base… kind of hard to explain.
        If you do have Bipolar II, it sounds like you’re already partly on the right meds – lamotrigine is the “gold star” treatment for a lot of people, and though it’s not a cure-all, I think it is helping me.
        Yes, I hope you see a psychiatrist – it’s always good to get meds re-evaluated after a few months (or years).

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Exciting news about your therapy being covered!! What a relief. And the mood shifts, it sounds hard to feel stable with the shifting and waiting “for the other shoe to drop” so to speak. I really remember those times in my life, when my moods used to shift like that. It is so uncomfortable. Nonetheless, very glad for you that you are out of the major depressive episode.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Rachel! It’s a really big relief, and makes things so much easier. You said that you remember those times where your moods used to shift like this. How did you get past it, since it sounds like it doesn’t happen anymore?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Lots of therapy, lots of mindfulness practice training (yoga, meditation, DBT), healing the addictions I had (substances, eating disorder, unhealthy relationships), taking really good care of my body (exercise, stress management, nutrition).

        Liked by 1 person

            1. Medication makes such a big difference. I’m currently on an antidepressant and mood stabalizer. I’m also on a benzo (Xanax), which makes me sleep like a baby the nights I take it. I’m a bit weary of taking it for longer than two weeks though. I’ve heard it’s a horrible experience coming off them.

              Liked by 2 people

        1. Not really. I filter way too much. I’m honest with those I love and care about (the occasional ‘white’ lie thrown in), but with people I don’t know, trust or care about, I have no problem with lying, or rather not telling them what’s on my mind at all. Although I AM finding my voice, and realizing that it’s okay to say what’s on my mind. For example, letting someone know that I’m uncomfortable with them being so close to me. I’m too scared to offend or hurt others, and I hate conflict.

          Liked by 1 person

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