Never Thought I’d Be Here – Part One

On Thursday morning I was reading something on the internet, when I started to feel uncomfortable. All of a sudden, that feeling erupted in a full on trigger. I immediately turned into a mess. I became that 14-year-old who had just been broken by someone she had looked up to and trusted. Images and emotions consumed my mind and my body. The emotions were far more powerful and painful than the images themselves. I felt like I was dying.

I wanted to phone my therapist right then and there. There was a huge battle going on inside me. Trying my hardest not to give into that desire to call her. We only had an appointment for Tuesday (yesterday). Then, I don’t know why, but the thought came into my head to phone a psychiatrist (I’ve been wanting to go to one for a while now). So I picked one of the two that was recommended, and phoned her office in a state. I couldn’t stop crying. I knew I couldn’t afford to see a psychiatrist, so why I felt the need in that moment to call her, I can’t tell you. She was so nice to me. I wanted to find out what her fees were, and instead she asked me whether I was on a medical aid. I am, so she suggested that I book myself into the psychiatric clinic where she works, and then I won’t have to worry about paying anything. I could see her first thing in the morning. I was so upset that I agreed. Psychiatrist had to keep reminding me to breathe.

So early the next morning, I packed my bag and made my way to the clinic. I can’t remember much about that morning. I remember seeing my psychiatrist, and being a nervous wreck.  All I know is that I was so scared. Not even scared. Terrified.

I’d never been in a psychiatric ward before. Later that day, I would feel ashamed that at my age, after having avoided it for all this time, I was now in the very place that I never thought I’d find myself. But shit happens, and now, in hindsight, I’m glad I went in. I was in the general ward, so it was voluntary and I could be discharged whenever I wanted to. But Psychiatrist recommended that I at least stay a few days.

The next thing I remember is lying on the bed in the room I would be sharing with two other women during my time there. I don’t even remember how I ended up in the room. I have no memory between sitting with Psychiatrist (even that is a blur), and finding myself on my bed. I had even unpacked my bag during that time. What the hell? Dissociation, that’s what the hell. I was curled up like a baby, unable to stop crying. Feeling disoriented, confused, and terrified. I didn’t know what was going on. Could I leave? Or was I trapped there forever?

Lying on that bed, I just wanted Therapist. I felt like a five-year old wanting her mommy after waking up from a horrible nightmare. As I mentioned earlier, I had fought against the desire to call her on Thursday, and plenty of times in the course of our relationship. But this time I couldn’t fight it. I wasn’t in touch with reality. I phoned her. So you must know the extent of my distress for me to have done that. The phone call is a blur as well. I can’t really remember what I told her, and what she said. But I can remember the feelings. How soothing and comforting her voice was. It felt like she was holding me. After our call, I continued crying. Partly because I felt like Therapist really cares, and I could feel that care. I guess it was tears of relief? I don’t actually know what it was. I was also still crying from the overwhelming feelings I had been having since going in that morning, and the day before. A little while after that, I started to feel more calm. Slowly coming back to reality.

This might sound really strange… Even though I am glad I had gone in and my experience had been pretty good, I still feel traumatized from Friday. I’m not even sure why. But I know that speaking to Therapist that day, made it a little less traumatic.

In the next post I’ll write about my experiences in the clinic, and what I’ve learned from it.

50 responses to “Never Thought I’d Be Here – Part One”

  1. I’m awfully sorry that things were so bad — but you did the right thing, and are in a much better place than you could be.
    More to the point, you’re able to communicate openly about it… which is incredibly, inspiringly healthy. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Rayne, darling. That was your deepest deepest wound coming up. It was the pain of the child in you who went through so much and was so desperately alone. In time you will make so much sense of this. We look everywhere outside of us for holding and we do need it but the real work is to hold your traumatised inner child tenderly from your adult self in total unconditional love and compassion. Sending you so much love. If you ever want to email me my email is Hugs Deborah

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know you’re right in what you said here. It’s just so hard, and I don’t know if I’m at the place where I can do that yet. Thank you so much for your care and support. And for your email address. 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      • It is hard. It’s good that you know where to get support and your able to get the kind of support you find helpful. You have us here as well!

        Just do what you can and don’t push yourself too hard or too far. Easier said than done I know. I cause myself endless issues by overreaching. It sounds like you have an internal sense which helps and guides you. I’m glad you found someone to help and that the sessions are taken care of.

        Don’t know. I’m just sorry to hear that your in pain. I wanted to offer some kind of support.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Ray rice O’m so glad you found the strength to seek help. I’m sitting in the lobby at my therapists office second guessing myself as to whether I should brouch the topic of BPD. I know I have many of the symptoms but it is terrifying to me but I need an answer and a plan,a way to wellness. Right now I just cry at the drop of a hat and it is unnerving. Thinking of you, Hugs, Barney

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Barney. I hope you got some answers? Your fear is so valid. But like you said, you need an answer. Even if you find out you do indeed have BPD, and it’s intimidating at first, just knowing that it’s out in the open, and you don’t have to wonder about it anymore, can provide some relief. Hugs to you. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      • I don’t! I have many of the traits but the most severe, either, not enough or not chronic, thats what I gathered. I guess thae major depression and anxiety is bad enough. I’m glad to know, it is a weight off. My friend Summer told me it can often take a long time to get a definitive diagnosis. I sometimes thinkstrarting therapy and the recovery group at the same time was a mistake, my emotional state is heightened and crazy chaotic. Hope you’re feeling better! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        • Oh man, that must be such a relief. I adore Summer, and she’s right… She’s very wise, lol. Makes life interesting. 😉 Are you still doing therapy and recovery group at the same time?


  4. Those triggers cause such dissociation! And dissociation is just as traumatic as the trigger sometimes. I am so so sorry that your experience just added more trauma but so glad that in the midst of it all your therapist was able to give you comfort.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I don’t see you going in as a failure – I see it is as a success. Knowing yourself enough to know when you need help is a huge success.
    That said, having been hospitalized myself twice, the experience of being in a psychiatric hospital is stressful and traumatizing, even if it is overall a good and helpful experience. Your feelings are normal and valid, and you are very strong. ❤ xx

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I had nightmares of the hospital once I’d left. Like you I was there voluntarily but I was scared that i would mess up and and up getting sectioned as it had already happened to other patients. Hospital stays are usually for when you’re in a really bad place like worse than you’d ever been before kind of place so i think it’s only natural that you feel traumatised like I said i’d started having reoccuring nightmares which was new to me and like you I barely remember anything from the day I got admitted. Much love to you ❤xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • I remember reading the post you wrote on your hospital stay. Thanks for reminding me of it, so I know I wasn’t just overreacting. Well, I was in a way, but that’s all I knew in that moment. Sending hugs. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now. I’ve had moments when panic and depression are triggered, but not to this extent. Thank you for sharing such a sensitive moment with us. I hope things are going better.

    Liked by 1 person

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