An Emotional Storm

My therapy session on Thursday was an emotional shit storm. The people at the gym where I used to train in Muay Thai got it right when they nicknamed me “Storm”. Small, innocent and fragile looking. But once unleashed, has the potential to be deadly.

Well, this Storm certainly hit in this session. My therapist didn’t stand a chance.

As you are well aware by my posts over the past while, I’ve been in a very dark place. I’ve been an emotional wreck. It’s been a difficult week for a variety of reasons. In relationships, I don’t usually express any “negative” emotions I may be feeling. I suppress them. It’s rare that I’ll show that side of me. I prefer to find a quiet place to vent my frustration, and take the anger and hurt out on myself. Yet, with my therapist, it doesn’t quite work that way, and I can’t figure out why that is.

When I’m in such an emotional state at the beginning of some sessions, the smallest thing can send me over the edge. I don’t scream and shout, but I use my words, and the tone of my voice is harsh enough. But I don’t think that’s any better than yelling. Something as small and innocent as one word (or something my therapist doesn’t say) will suddenly unleash the storm. She triggers something within me, and I become a whirlwind. It’s happened a few times over the course of our one year relationship, and I hate it.

In these moments, I can’t think clearly. My emotions run the show. I turn into an angry teenager. I don’t act like the adult I actually am. It’s when I’m insecure, feeling fragile, and I end up being oversensitive. Those are the times when the smallest thing can be blown up in my mind as the biggest threat I’ve ever faced. My therapist was right when she said that no matter what she says or does in that moment, I’ll look for proof that she can’t be trusted. I’ll find reasons to push her away.

I felt I wasn’t getting what I needed from her. But instead of telling her, explaining to her why I was so upset, I just carried on going down the road of pushing her away. I couldn’t express myself clearly, so I was plain mean.

Something she said hurt me deeply, and even though I’m scared to, I’m going to be open with her about it on Thursday. After all, she’s the one who always insists on talking through any problems in the therapy relationship, and says that we shouldn’t leave anything unsaid. She’s obviously right, and I’m slowly learning that it’s okay, and necessary, to talk things through, and not let resentment build beneath the surface. That will just erode the relationship, and therapy will eventually stall.

At least the session ended on a good note once I had calmed down. When this happens, when I act out like this, I’m left feeling embarrassed and ashamed, and have to sit with these feelings until we can talk it through in the next session.

So now it’s time to work on “repairing” the relationship again. And once again I need to apologize for my behaviour, because it was inappropriate. I think that will be a good way to start our next session.

The storm has moved away. For now at least.

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51 thoughts on “An Emotional Storm

  1. drgeraldstein

    I imagine you know the story about walking down a road and falling into a hole, climbing out, never having seen it; then doing it again the next day. Eventually you walk around the hole until, finally, you walk down a different road. A crisis is an opportunity. Not always, but often.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I actually haven’t heard this story, so thank you for telling me about it. I like what you said about a crisis being an opportunity. It makes sense, and is actually pretty powerful. Thanks for your comment. As always, I tend to learn a lot from them. 🙂

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  2. I find therapy taps into so many emotions. Rage is one. She should be taught well enough to know that your words are not intended for her but just your way of getting the rage out. Rage is so freaking hard to channel!!! Like where do you sent it, how do you release it! I do imagery to try and let it go but it is not always that simple. When I was able bodied I used to get an axe and go chop down dead trees in the forest

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh yes, therapy taps into a lot of emotions. Even suppressed and repressed ones. She handles my rages very well actually, but when I start getting too personal, she lets me know that it hurts our relationship. One of our major goals in our therapy work is helping me develop healthy relationships, ours being a mirror, so she points out when my behaviour or actions could be a problem. I used to do Muay Thai, so taking my rage out on the punching bag and being physical in a sparring session with others, helped tremendously. As soon as I get a job, I’m going back to training. It’s not only a great form of exercise, but also one that I really enjoy. I love contact sports.

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      1. So working through your relationship with her helps you work through all relationships. That is really really cool!
        I loved karate. I loved lifting weights int he gym. Thats sound like a really fantastic plan to get back to what you love after you get the job and help transfer all the rage.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Getting triggered by your therapist is one of the worst feelings in the world. It’s terrible. I’m glad, though, that you left with things relatively repaired, and that you’re going to continue the conversation. Do you realize how brave, and how much progress that is? ❤
    Also, I noticed that I hadn't heard from you in a while, so I checked, and I don't think you have access to my blog! It's been private for a few months now, and I didn't know if you knew that. Of course, you don't have any obligation to follow me – but I wanted to let you know that if you want to request access, I'd be more than happy to let you in. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It really is one of the worst feelings. I think it’s because the therapy relationship plays such a huge role in our lives, and our relationship with our therapists is the most intense, vulnerable one we have.

      I’ve been wondering why you’ve been so quiet! Thanks for letting me know. I’ve just requested access, and looking forward to reading your posts. I’ve missed Lily. 😉 ❤

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  4. myrecov

    I feel like that too when I leave my therapist. She is so calm and collective and I feel like a basket case. I apologize all the time to her. I apologize for talking.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This reminds me a bit about the whole ‘re-parenting’ idea of healing. You said it yourself, you feel like a teenager. Therapy is a safe place to let our emotions out. If we did it before, we may have been punished, abandoned or hurt. You’re testing the boundaries (as I know I have done in new relationships) to see if the pattern will be repeated. And I agree with the other comments, it’s painful and confusing, but I think it also means you’re healing. Stay strong, keep writing and talking it out! Sending you much love and a big hug ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, I didn’t actually think about it in that way. Re-parenting, it makes sense. And about testing the boundaries to see if the pattern will be repeated. You’re right, I couldn’t let any negative emotions out while growing up. I told my therapist a little while ago that I’m unconsciously still looking for reasons NOT to trust her. Well, now it’s conscious at least. Thanks for the validation. 🙂 ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome! I’m glad that made sense to you… having come from an abusive childhood, I get it and have been through the same process. Trust is so hard when we have been hurt by people who should have never hurt us. It continues to happen even now, with friends I thought I could trust. I guess this process helps us learn how to manage life, and to also remember that there are some people who won’t give up on us. xo ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Trust is extremely hard. Even when someone has proven themselves over and over again (like my therapist), it’s hard to stop that little voice in my head telling me that I will get hurt, that she will give up on me at some point. I hate that voice. Thanks for your comment. 🙂 ❤

          Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t generally accept awards. But since this one doesn’t come with any rules (like all the others- which annoy me), and I’m a part of the MHWG, I’ll accept. 🙂 Thank you so much, I really appreciate it. You’re awesome. Love and hugs to you. 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh man, that firm parental voice is a frightening thing. Although I must admit, that I’ve learned that when it comes from my therapist, it’s out of a place of caring, not punishment. It still hurts though, and can make me age regress. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I don’t know if this has already been shared, but you have created a safe space here to vent, and your virtual support system here is very engaged. That’s huge right?

    And while I’ve stopped visiting therapists quite awhile ago, I can see that you have a relationship that will allow you to explore those normally pent up emotions more productively. Take advantage of this as much as you can.

    Yeesh. Now I’m giving advice (disregard all the crap)

    Liked by 1 person

  7. It understandable that this happens, well atleast I understand it because I do the same thing. I don’t express my hurt and then I handle it the wrong way and come across as well basically a jerk to put it nicely. I have found that talking about it the next session or writing about it (as I journal weekly and have my therapist read it) works best for me. I’m sorry you are dealing with this I know the emotions it can bring up.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You explained it perfectly! That’s exactly what happens. I can’t wait for my session on Thursday (even though I’m terrified), so that we can talk it through and fill the cracks that appeared during our previous session. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m sorry it was a hard session. The teenager was hurt and hasn’t been able to trust many. She just needs to know she can communicate her pain without it turning to anger. She’s healing, that why she is forward. It’s the ones that are still hiding that need a lot of love and patience. She knows she can be herself with the therapist, good for her! Be brace young one, there are those that truly care about you!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Pingback: Emotion – Journey Toward Healing

  10. Rayne, first of all bravo for writing this piece. I started to read your most recent post and stopped because I realized there was a prior one. I can so relate only not with a therapist. I have the same emotional shit storm inside of me and I have a piece I’m going back and fourth with writing. Anyways, I have learned the hard way about holding things in. It’s funny in a way because I only hold certain things in because I go off on the daily like a pistol, lol! My point here is, you will get to your own point in time where you can no longer hold it in and therefore it may very well come out sideways. Unfortunately i did that for years and thank god my husband loves me as much as he does because he was the one that got my shit storms. I love your writing, keep going and letting it out. I can promise you, you will feel better. I am here if you ever need me. Love you sweetie😘 Take care~

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks T. For all your kind words, and for caring. Holding things in doesn’t feel good at all. Instead of letting it out in a healthy way, I let it build and build, and take it all on me, only to “lose it” in a different way. I actually think that’s where a lot of my depression stems from. The inability to let my true feelings out. Never actually thought of this. Sending hugs and love. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ov course Rayne~ No it sure doesn’t and I’d know fro years of experience. That’s exactly why it’s no good. But know that you can learn and be well again. It just takes some time and practice. I was a very private person, lol but I just don’t care anymore who knows what because it just might help others in the same situation or close to another one. This is the whole reason I write. Not just for me but for you and others. You must know we all connect on such a deep level that I know I feel closer to some of you than my own family. I didn’t share this with them. that’s another complicated story though and I am going to write about that soon enough. Hugs and love back to you~ Remember that I’m here 🙂

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