Mornings & Evenings

I don’t like going to bed at night. Come 7:00pm, I start getting frustrated that the day is almost over. I’ll stay up as late as I possibly can, until I just can’t keep my eyes open anymore. Which is usually 10:30-11:30pm.

I don’t like waking up in the morning. I always wake up exhausted, and want to stay in bed. It’s been that way my whole life. Waking up, yet feeling as though I didn’t sleep at all. I can only remember a couple of mornings where I actually woke up feeling refreshed and well rested. Once in my early 20’s, the other about two years ago. Just as thinking that it’s almost time to go to bed at night fills me with dread, so does waking up in the morning.

I don’t like sleeping during the day. But I also don’t like being awake during the day.

I know I should be grateful to be alive. But I just feel… Depressed. Empty.

I had a good session with my therapist yesterday, and everything is back on track with us. But instead of the usual euphoria I feel after a session that makes me feel connected to her again, this time I just felt… nothing.

Went to visit Jasmine today, but it felt a little awkward. I’ve been trying to figure out what’s going on with me. Why I’m feeling the way I am. My therapist says there’s always a reason behind our depression. That’s it’s not just there, existing by itself. But I haven’t been able to figure out what that reason for this low phase is. It’s been a couple of weeks now.

I want to go to bed, I want to sleep right now (it’s 09:02pm). But I feel this sense of dread. I just can’t figure myself out.

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31 thoughts on “Mornings & Evenings

  1. It’s not fun to feel like that, I know. But at the same time, some times we assume we’re supposed to feel something. What if it just happens to be that you don’t feel anything right now? That doesn’t mean it’ll be permanent, it could change at any moment, any hour, any day…. Sometimes, people like you and I, just have to wait it out.

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    1. What you wrote makes complete sense. I suppose I need to stop fighting it so hard and questioning it. And like you say, just wait it out. It seems less exhausting that way. Thanks my friend. ❀

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  2. So sorry you are feeling so low. Have you tried talking to those inside and checking in to see if any of them are feeling particularly upset or depressed and need to share with you? Sometimes, I have an internal meeting when I cannot figure it out and am surprised by who inside is having a tough time and then can work with them and the others to find ways to relieve that pain. Sending you safe hugs if you would be good with that.

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    1. Hi Carly, thanks for your comment. My therapist and I have been working on my inner child ‘modes’ from time to time. I’m still struggling with the concept though. I see you have DID, and in your case the different/inner parts makes complete sense. I think they’re more ‘real’. I just don’t understand how to connect with, and how it’s possible to have those younger inner parts myself, that’s not as clear as what you deal with. I’m struggling to explain this and put it into proper words, but I’m sure you understand what I’m trying to say. I get what you’re saying, and it seems like it could work. It’s a great idea Thanks for the hugs. Sending you some too. πŸ™‚

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  3. I’m sorry it feels like that at the moment, Rayne.
    I do know that dread very well: I’ve had to keep adjusting my sleeping times, including having daytime naps, to cope. The naps got better. as I got used to them.

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    1. Thank you, Buffy. I have no idea where to start or what to do with myself when it comes the waking and sleeping worlds. I feel stuck and lost. But I’ll just ride it out and see where it takes me I guess.

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  4. OMG Rayne!! I think we are twins separated at birth! I feel the exact same way about going to sleep and waking up. I want to sleep but dread it, knowing it means I”m going to wake up and start the whole thing over again, day after day after day… And lately, I don’t feel happy. I don’t feel depressed. I feel nothing. I think I’ve left my body and have just been floating around watching and there isn’t a whole lot to see. What’s going on?!?! Is it the lull in time between winter and summer and the fear I have knowing that summer is coming and I will have to work hard to get up and go outside, when it is so easy to live in the cold and rain when there is no expectation of doing much of anything… when the world and myself don’t have much expectation for actions of any sort? I don’t know but it’s a strange place to be. Hang on love ❀

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    1. I like being part of a twin. πŸ˜‰ I’m sorry that you experience this as well. I hear you, that feeling of floating around. I feel like a ghost just wandering around this world, lost and alone. This side of the world we’re heading into Winter (my favourite season). We’re in a strange place indeed. *hugs* ❀

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      1. I was wondering what side of the world you live in! We are just heading into spring here, so I guess my theory of seasons isn’t accurate, lol. I’m glad that winter is your favorite season, mine is summer. Let’s hope for something to bring us back to a gentle, grounded contentment ❀

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        1. It’s actually Autumn here. But close enough. πŸ˜› The hot sun just irritates me. I like snuggling up in blankets and jerseys, and the sun is gentle, which is why I prefer Winter. ❀

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          1. I like the sun, but agree, if it’s too hot, I get a bit irritated. Snuggling in blankets is nice too. Today it’s a beautiful sunny day and I’m stuck in that place of knowing I should go out but it’s so much easier to stay in πŸ˜‰

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  5. It sounds like really deep abandonment depression to me Rayne. I know that so well. No feelings are really accessible at all. I used to struggle to get to sleep with it taking over 2 hours, waking up took the same. It sounds like this has been with you since you were so very young and maybe that all that happened with jasmine triggered deep deep feelings for you that are all mixed up. I am sending you love. This is so hard. I am sending you hugs, D ❀

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    1. That’s very interesting. What makes you think it might be abandonment depression? I’ve always struggled with this sleep and wake pattern, the severity coming and going. ❀

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  6. Great post. It must feel a bit better after writing and sharing your experience. Keep writing and be patient. Our feelings are like waves I find. It rolls up and down and sometimes all we can do is just ride with it and not fight it. Cheers.

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    1. Writing my thoughts and emotions here always makes me feel a little better. You’re absolutely correct in what you said. I need to learn to just ride with it and not fight it. I’ve found that it’s not easy though. Just need to keep practicing. Thanks for your comment Jason. πŸ™‚

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  7. I know exactly how you feel! You described my daily struggle. Struggling with genetic depression my whole life and “chronic depression ” for the last 12 years, I disagree with your therapist. Sometimes it is a physical deficiency that is there – for no reason. I had to make a choice a long time ago that I was going to except who I am but not let it define me. It has been a difficult month because my psychiatrist quit practicing due to illness, out of the blue. I liked him, he got me! I have struggled with feeling lost, but the Archangel Raphael reminds me to breathe. Focusing on breathing reminds me that my Creator loves wildly, unconditionally and will not abandon me. He never has and won’t start now. Be strong sweet Rayne, you have a lot of good things going on inside of you. You will become whole and complete. There is healing going on inside and it may seem rocky right now but those that have never felt safe are starting to feel supported and cared for. Hugs! πŸ’—

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    1. Depression runs in my family. My mom has it, as well as her mom. So I take it that’s the genetic depression you’re talking about? I’ve also had depression my entire life. I’m glad you mention that you disagree with my therapist. I must admit that I’ve been thinking about this for the past week, and what she said doesn’t sit well with me. I still haven’t been able to figure out the reason for the depression I’ve been experiencing lately, and that got me thinking that struggling to find one, might mean that there isn’t a particular reason for it. That it’s just there. Sometimes there IS a reason for why I’m feeling that way, but other times, there isn’t. So when it comes up again, I’ll tell her that I don’t necessarily agree with her view. We’re all entitled to our opinions, me included. I’m always too afraid to speak up, but I’ve been learning how to be better at it.

      I’m sorry to hear that it’s been a difficult month for you.

      Thanks Deborah. Sending hugs. ❀

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  8. I’m in the darkness right now pulling myself out of bed around 12:00. The level of despair is deep and sleep is an escape as are the brief moments of reprieve sneaking in those thoughts of non-existence. It’s a fucking battle lately. I’m waiting to get into a new doctor. I’m really sorry that you are feeling so down, believe me I understand.

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    1. Hi. I’m sorry you’re in such a dark place. It’s a horrible place to be in, and people that have never been here before, can never understand it. I hope you get a new doctor soon. Sending hugs. ❀

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