Female Attachments

Having written about attachments these past few weeks, I got to thinking about my tendency to get attached to women. This is an emotional and deeply personal post which I’m a little nervous to write.

My parents got divorced when I was between the ages of 3/4.

I have no memory of anything that happened between them before they got divorced. But I remember the moment my dad took me from my mom. I was screaming and crying, but my mother was a shell. She was emotionless. She wouldn’t help me, and just stood there. My dad wasn’t exactly gentle with me during that moment. He didn’t care that he was hurting me physically and emotionally, as long as he got what he wanted. I blocked this memory, or to be more exact, I suppressed it. It would surface every few years, then the process would begin again. After that moment, everything goes blank.

The next thing I remember is being in a new house, with a new “mother” and baby sister (my now ex-stepsister). We were in a new city, far from my hometown. My biological mother was then also living in the area, just across the street, with her new boyfriend. My first memory of him is also during this time. I remember running to my mom’s place one day, and her telling me that I couldn’t stay there. I had to go back to my dad’s house. I didn’t want to. But she took me back anyway.

I don’t know how long we stayed in that area. We moved a lot throughout my childhood and early teen years, with every move taking me further and further away from my mother. I don’t remember much from my childhood. Just scattered pieces here and there. I know I went to my mom every second weekend, and I remember instances of my dad and stepmom telling me that my mother gave me up, that she didn’t want me, and them using that as justification to get me to not go to her for the weekend. But even with all of that, I wanted to see her. So growing up, I believed my mother didn’t want me. That she gave up on me. That she didn’t really love me. That’s what they wanted me to believe. But when I was with her, she wasn’t like the woman they painted as a monster. She wasn’t the most attentive mother. It was almost like she was afraid to bond with me, but I have a few memories of her playing with me. Then, when I was 8 years old, my first little sister was born (half-sister). I’d see her with my sister and she was so gentle and loving toward her. I instantly loved my baby sister, and loved taking care of her when I was at my mom on her weekends. But it still felt like I wasn’t connected to my mother. She still felt like a stranger in a way, and even more so when my sisters were born.

I didn’t want to be at home with my dad and stepmom. There was shit happening there that I’m not going to get into. But I also didn’t want to be at my mother’s place with my stepdad. He was abusive towards my mother, and even (very rarely though) my sisters. I think he was too afraid of my dad to hurt me. He did hurt me emotionally of course, with how he treated my mom. He’d even hit her when we were in the car, driving somewhere. When he was angry, he’d put his foot down on the accelerator, and speed past all the other cars, taking corners at a frightening speed. Threatening to kill us all. My dad did the same thing (my mom sure knows how to pick them). So I didn’t feel safe anywhere. I didn’t feel like I belonged. Like I didn’t have a home.

It would only be much later (in my late teen years) that I would learn the truth about what my dad did (and threatened to do) if my mother didn’t let me go with him. And when I found this out, through my mother, and two other family members (not just from her side of the family), my mother’s reaction the day I was taken from her, made sense. My connection to my biological mom is one of friendship. I do love her though. I just don’t feel that mother-daughter bond with her.

My stepmom was a cruel woman. She didn’t care about anyone but herself and her daughter. But then again my dad preferred my stepsister too, which was made evident time and time again. I was always the odd one out. They would go to her sports matches, but were always “too busy” to come to any of mine. I was good at most sports, but I gave them up quickly, because I didn’t see the point when I didn’t have anyone cheering me on. I guess I shot myself in the foot with that one. I should have carried on without needing their support. I should have been able to be my own cheerleader.

I used to pretend that I was switched at birth, and daydream for hours on end about getting found and rescued by my birth mother. I would always use actresses that I saw on TV, to take on that role in my imaginary world. It seemed safer that way. They would never leave me. I searched for a mother figure in everyone who showed me the least bit of attention. But I’m not looking for a mother figure anymore. I know, and have accepted, that I’m never going to have that. I have a mother, and even though it’s in a different capacity, she’s still my mother. All I want now are stable, healthy relationships. Relationships that will help heal the trauma and abandonment, and the patterns that have resulted from it.

So my experiences with men, starting with my dad, have limited my need for them. I don’t need a father figure, I don’t even want one. In this situation, some people would also look for a father figure in the men they date, but it didn’t happen that way for me. I don’t want a replacement. I have what I have, and life carries on.

In light of all of this, I now understand myself, and my patterns, better. I can see why it’s so easy for me to get attached to women. Even though it’s not with everyone, and it’s rare that I do get attached, it still happens. Now I’m left with a few questions. Will it always be this way, or is there a way to release myself from all of this? And most important of all… should I do away with all attachment? What’s healthy, and what’s not? I don’t know how to navigate this.

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26 thoughts on “Female Attachments

  1. This one would be a difficult one for you to write. Unfortunately, as I have not been in the same situation as you, I really do not know what to say in the answers to your questions. I suppose it will just be a learning journey to find the answers. My childhood was difficult in its own way, but for you, it would have been even more difficult. Thank you for sharing, what will have been a difficult post for you to have written.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am thrilled I found your Blog. I love reading what you write. It’s like sitting in a room together, and just listening, because you let it pour out. There are a lot of people who grew up in similar environments, and you turned out wonderfully well in my opinion. I love how you found the truth from your Mother. Always go to the source for truth.

    Women will step into dating the father figure, or even the stepfather figure. Either way it’s abusive. You just see these people for who they are and the sucky role they played in your life. From what I have seen, you make good choices. You have a sound mind, and a huge heart!

    You answered your own question darling….”All I want now are stable, healthy relationships.” Keep following that. If you feel too attached, just loosen your grip. I am a firm believer in, “Whatever comes, let it come. Whatever stays, let it stay. Whatever goes, let it go.” Hugs. xxx

    PS…The odd man out? God has a special purpose for them.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for your comment, and for all your kind words. I always enjoy reading your comments. I love this: “Whatever comes, let it come. Whatever stays, let it stay. Whatever goes, let it go.” I should actually make a poster with these words and hang it somewhere I can see it often. Sending love and hugs. xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m really glad you wrote and posted this in spite of your nerves, Rayne… well done on that, because I very much admire your complete open-ness, and wish I had more of it. 🙂
    Like Liz, I’m afraid I also find it hard to comment because my own experiences were quite different.
    For what it’s worth, though, I think that getting this out into words for others to see is an excellent step towards the light. 🙂

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  4. You wrote that beuatifully. It is hard to advice others on attachment. There is always the chance of being hurt or let down when we get attached to people in a safe way, but there is the reward in allowing someone into that inner part of ourselves and allowing it to be real. I wish you the best.

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  5. What an intense post Rayne. I hope it helped you getting that out, that is so much for a child to endure. I can relate to having a traumatic childhood, of course it’s not the same, my parents stayed together in their dysfunction, which exposed me to years of living in fear. I didn’t have any attachment to my parents either and have the same lack of memories. Only scary memories. It seems to me that you are navigating quite well. My thoughts on giving up on attachments… if you do, you may miss out on so much love and comfort. I understand the fear of being hurt when attachments are broken, it’s happened to me more than I’d like to admit and there are no sure things. But without the attachment, there wouldn’t have been the love. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are indeed one wise woman. 😉 I always appreciate your comments. I’m sorry that you also had a traumatic childhood. Unfortunately, it’s much too common in today’s world. No child deserves that. Thank you for putting attachments into perspective for me. 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you dear friend ❤ I think childhood trauma is the most harmful as it sets our brains on a course of destruction that will affect our entire lives. The work involved in overcoming the damage is so difficult. Love to you ❤

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  6. Dear Rayne, thank you so much for sharing this difficult part of your childhood and I am so sorry for everything you endured ☹️What a tumultuous early life this was for you and no wonder you have been left with such emotional scars. All I can say about attachment is to try and allow your relationship with your therapist to slowly help you heal and to take small steps forward into allowing yourself to bond with other women, if this is what you feel you need the most. It will most likely always feel a little scary (as you didnt have a secure attachment to your mother) but I do believe it is possible to experience this feeling of closeness with the right person. Many many hugs to you and well done for sharing more of yourself so openly with us.💗

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  7. I have so much compassion and love for all the Raynes (young and current). I also relate to always attaching to women, older women. I remember it happening as early as 7 years old. And that speaks to what was missing in our lives. And that can never be replaced, but maybe with the difficult work we are doing and the time we are putting in, it can at least start to heal. 😘

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  8. Pingback: The Little One’s Letter To Therapist – Journey Toward Healing

  9. I am so glad you shared this although I can see why it would be heart wrenching to do so. Just reliving while rewriting must have been really hard. But attachment to women I understand. Almost in the exact way that you write. YET i am most devastated when women hurt me. When men hurt me it doesnt affect me like when women do. It’s as if I feel they are obligated to be loyal and love me because I am a woman and they are a woman and we are supposed to have each other’s backs and be bonded together. It is so hard to know what a healthy and non healthy attachment is. For me I would start wtih boundaries since I’ve never had them before. Setting up a boundary to protect myself regardless of what happens would be a big step in a health attachment or relationship.
    I’m so sorry your childhood was filled with such threats and fears and abandonment. You deserved better than all of that you really did.

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