The Inner Child & Teen

I had a DBT session tonight. My OT says I’m making good progress, which was nice to hear. But I feel like I’m not doing well enough. I can just hear my therapist telling me that I’m too hard on myself.

We spoke about a few things, and then started getting into the core emotions. She then focused on one them. Fear. She chose that one for a reason, which I won’t get into here. My memory is a little hazy, so I’m not sure about the order of things, or everything that we spoke about. But at some point, I regressed back to my 14 year old self for a few seconds (I think it was seconds).

This is a fairly new inner part I discovered back in December. This part holds a lot of secrets (that I don’t have access to- but I know they’re there), pain, confusion, fear and shame. The instant I felt her come up, I just shut down. I didn’t want to go there. I just couldn’t. I have no idea what will happen if I allow that part to express herself when someone else is present. In December when I first discovered her, it knocked the breath right out of me. I was back in the place she had been in, and it was excruciatingly painful. I cried for hours, experiencing the physical (I could actually feel it in my body) and emotional pain that she had felt. I wrote her a letter that day which I’ll post here at some point. I first want my therapist to read it, once I feel ready to get into that topic with her again. But since that day in December, I don’t want to explore that part. I don’t think I’m ready yet.

When I was in that disassociated place during this session, OT asked whether it was too much (the territory we were in). I appreciated that she asked me that, and didn’t push me to continue. She helped me through a grounding exercise. It seems and sounds easy, but doing it during those moments isn’t easy at all. I’m still struggling with it, so I’m grateful that she’s there to help me. I’m glad that I get to have these sessions. I’m learning a lot from her. I especially like the consistency. Weekly sessions at the same time, same place. It gives me a sense of stability.

When I got back home, I started feeling really young. I felt like the 5 year old was emerging. I’ve been learning how to work better with this part, how to soothe her, thanks to my therapist’s help.

In a therapy session last year, I had to write a letter to this younger self, and reply to that letter from the adult me. I still find this concept strange and confusing. I know these “parts” are all me, yet they feel so separate. It’s easier to work with if I refer to them as “she” and not “me”. Otherwise it just becomes overwhelmingly complex. My brain overheats. I know that the goal of this work is to eventually integrate these inner parts, so I can be a fully functional adult. Because as it stands, I don’t even know who the adult me really is, and if “she” even exists. I don’t have a stable identity at the moment. I’m all over the place.

The Little One (as my therapist calls her), the 5 year old, wrote a letter to Therapist one day, and she replied with her own letter to that little part. It felt very soothing and comforting to that younger child. I’ll explain how I came to “discover” this youngest inner child in a separate post.

Tonight, every now and then I feel the inner child taking over, and I revert back to my comfort objects (I didn’t have comfort objects as a child). My therapy jacket, and a little blanket. It’s the softest blanket I’ve ever felt. When I’m in this mode, I just want to curl up in bed with these items and cry. There’s a lot of confusion, sadness and fear inside.

I’ve been missing my therapist so much today, and there’s a bit of panic going on too, from the little one. I’m scared of losing the connection with Therapist. I wish I could just phone her and hear her voice. But I know I can’t. So instead, I’ll read the letters she wrote me.

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25 thoughts on “The Inner Child & Teen

  1. I remember how I felt when the parts were so seperate…I’m much more integrated now and so will you be. It is a slow process unfortunately 😣 I really need my therapist right now. I’m totally clingy 😔😔

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    1. I’m glad you’re more integrated now. That gives me hope as well. It’s so hard not having our therapists around when we need them. I’m clingy as hell right now. Love you! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

          1. It’s shit 😣 I want a parental caring female figure…I read your post earlier and it resonated. The thinking you’ll die of abandonment trauma thing is pretty bonkers…but understandable given what we went through. I was really sad to hear your early experiences lovely. They sound awful 😔😔 ❤

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Thank you my friend. I hear you. It most definitely doesn’t feel this way right now, but we’ll get to that place of healing. Even though I think some things won’t ever go away. ❤

              Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh you are making so much progress. Its such a shame we get so scared of feeling the inner childs pain but its all part of it. Just know you do have the strength to feel it but its like growing a stronger muscle. .it takes time and love and patience with yourself. The insevurity over your adult self is so understandable if you had inconsistent absent parents…having goid support will help model this..im so inspired by how you are growing. Love 🌹🌼🌻

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for reminding me about that. I need to read my title and focus on the image I made for this blog more often. As a reminder that it’s a journey. Sending love and hugs. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I absolutely love this post!! This is exactly how I see life.. We al have inner children inside us who have in some way been damaged in the past. I think thats why they are there.. they need a chance to heal! I have many inner children and I am trying to work with them into recovery!

    Maybe you could have a look at my blog.. I have written about similar things.

    http://www.milliesmoments.co.uk

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You are doing so well. I admire that you were able to write and answer the letter to your younger self from your grown up self. I have yet, to be able to do that. You have come so, so far on your healing journey. ❤

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  5. Integration of the inner parts is the hardest fucking thing! My parts are nowhere near integrated, even as I (and T) try to reach out to them more. Feeling different ages within seconds or minutes can make you feel insane. But they are there for a reason, mostly, to protect you from the pain you’ve felt. It’s not fair. I don’t know what else to say (wish I had some words of wisdom) other than keep up the good work with your therapist but don’t hesitate to take a break from going into the hard stuff if things become too intense.
    Also, hang on to those comfort objects. T has been out of contact most of this week, and the only thing I’m holding onto (literally!) is the little cat she gave me.
    Xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s a relief to know that I’m not the only one who finds it so hard. It makes me feel insane as well. I’m glad T gave you something you can find some comfort in until she gets back. It makes such a difference. Sending hugs your way. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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