The Little One’s Letter To Therapist

I was a little embarrassed when the thought of posting this letter on my blog popped into my head. Until I remembered that my original purpose for starting it was for me to process my thoughts and feelings after my break up and move to a new city. So I’ve decided that it’s okay to post this, since this blog is my space to just let it all out and examine my inner world. I need to do this. For me.

In my previous post I mentioned that I felt very young last night. I’ve been feeling that way for most of today as well. I’ve tried to ignore that little voice inside, and the feelings it brought up. But then I decided that I just couldn’t ignore it any longer. So I listened. I listened to the little one’s fears. I acknowledged her sadness. I cried those tears. She wanted to write a letter to Therapist, so I let her. Which I’ll only be able to show to her at our next session. She told me to use my non dominant hand when writing from that little part. So that’s what I did. And this is the result:

2017-03-21 21.05.59

I have been trying to figure out why this is coming up now. And why it feels so hard. In my session with my OT yesterday, I mentioned to her that my medical aid benefits are almost depleted. The clinic stay took away from my benefits. I told her that after next week’s session with my therapist, I don’t know when I’ll be able to see her again as I just can’t afford it. She’s away this week, otherwise I would have rescheduled to sometime this week since I’m missing her so damn much.

When I told this to my OT, I think it hit me right then and there just how scared and panicked I actually feel about the situation. I shoved it down quickly though. But the uncertainty is killing me. I need routine, so I feel unsettled.

Yes, I’ll survive. But why should I have to? Haven’t I already survived enough shit? The teen in me feels that it’s fucking unfair. But I blame myself for most of what happened in my life. For being in the place I’m at right now. For my part in it. Sometimes even for the roles that others have played in my life. If only I had been better. Done better.

The little one knows, but doesn’t understand why it has to be this way. She thinks the connection will be broken and she’ll be alone. She has me, but she doesn’t just want me. She wants Therapist. She feels that her main attachment figure will be taken away from her again. The way she was taken away from her mother that day. The moving further and further away from her attachment figure, watching her fade away.

And that’s my biggest fear right now. I’m scared that our connection, the bond I have with her, will break. That my therapist will fade away into the distance.

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12 thoughts on “The Little One’s Letter To Therapist

  1. I’m so glad you posted this letter. It takes a lot of vulnerability. I also write with my non dominant hand when writing from younger parts.
    Of course the little one is scared of your therapist leaving. People leaving – that’s all she knows. As T would say, she needs more “evidence” that your therapist is different from others. Eventually, slowly, she will trust more (but it’s a painful and non linear process that I’m still struggling with too!) xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Lily. It’s nice to have people who understand what we’re going through, who just “get it”. Everyone else would look at something like this, roll their eyes, and think we’re totally insane. I’m sorry that you’re also still struggling with this. Sending hugs and love. ❤ xx

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  2. drgeraldstein

    Not to ignore your emotions, but the practical side of this (how to arrange to see your therapist again, how to ration sessions with advanced knowledge of the insurance limitations, whether it is possible to appeal these limitations, what alternative supports you have between sessions) is one thing you might also discuss with your therapist, perhaps even emailing her in advance to let her know of your concerns and your agenda.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your input. 🙂 My therapist and I have already touched on it briefly, but we’ll talk about it properly in the next session. In the meantime, I’m trying to come up with a plan.

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  3. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Very nice job listening to those younger parts and letting them express their feelings. I try to do this myself and have written similar things about my therapist and felt awkward sharing that with her but I did. Stay strong we are here!

    Liked by 1 person

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