It’s The Connection

For the past two weeks, I’ve been so fixated on the thought of not being able to afford to have therapy sessions, that I failed to see what’s been right in front of me this entire time. I was reading through some of my posts on being afraid of losing connection with my therapist, and that’s when it hit me.

I think I finally get what my therapist told me. That she doesn’t want me to become dependent on therapy. I get defensive when she says that and tell her that I’m not dependent on therapy. She counters that by telling me that she didn’t say I am. I realized it’s not the therapy I’m dependent on. It’s the connection with my therapist. The attachment. I’ve never felt a connection like this with anyone. Not even with my grandmother, who was my favourite person in the world. At this point in my life, and for the sake of healing, I need this stable relationship. Especially for those younger parts. They’ve had a hard week without her. I think one of the ways of healing those childhood wounds, and working on integrating the parts, is through a healthy, secure attachment.

The way I see it, is that there’s still plenty of time to focus on the work in therapy. But the relationship needs to be there. And going more than a week without some form of communication is the thing that’s hard for me. I’m not ready to go a full week without hearing from her. It feels like I lose that connection, and it’s agony. I still need to be able to keep that connection with my therapist alive.

I have my weekly group and DBT sessions with my OT, which is part of my journey toward healing. It will help me improve my functioning, and provides me with the tools I need to better navigate this world and my life.

I can have therapy once a month and I’ll be fine. If that’s the way it has to be until I get a job, then there’s nothing I can do about it. All I want is to be able to speak to Therapist and hear her voice once a week or every two weeks, with texts or emails the weeks I can’t call her. A 5-10 minute conversation is all I need. When I think of the situation this way, I feel a sense of relief. We’ll obviously need to talk about this in our next session, and work something out.

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12 thoughts on “It’s The Connection

  1. Well Rayne, it’s great that you found a therapist with whom you feel a special connection, I guess it’s one of the first steps towards healing. Hope you manage to work things out with her, best of luck for next session! 😉 Hugs

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  2. You are really lustening to what YOU need and you arent bad or wrong for needing it. My last therapist couldnt give ne enough contact thats why I changed therapists. They have their own issues too. Im so glad you are feeling relief I was feeling for you big time yesterday. The void seems to be related to lack of real connection. I think its such a huge factor in depression. Sending you love. I hope you can get your needs met. Dont foget to work on the connection with your inner child..thats what im really working on at the moment. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Deborah. 🙂 “The void seems to be related to lack of real connection. I think its such a huge factor in depression.” I found this really profound. I’m still working on the connection with my inner child… It’s difficult, but we’ll get there. ❤

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