It’s Over

I haven’t posted about what’s been going on with the situation I mentioned in my post “A Hostile Takeover“.

As you know, my step mother’s parents were going to stay for two weeks, possibly even three. Instead, they decided to only stay for just over a week, leaving on Monday morning. Writing this now, time seems fragmented. They left this past Monday, but I got confused, thinking it was the previous Monday. I don’t know what’s been going on with my mind. I’ve been feeling so out of it lately.

While the parents were here, I isolated myself a lot. I felt like I didn’t have the strength to put up a front. I didn’t care that my step mom’s parents hadn’t seen a lot of me since they’d been here. I didn’t care if they thought I was being rude. I’m done pretending. Of hiding behind a smile and jokes. I didn’t care that I “should” be making an effort to get out and do things, to make conversation. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to be holed up in the room and not have to see anyone. Except for sessions with my OT and group.

I was a bit depressed. But it all came down to over stimulation due to having so many people in one house. Constant voices, too much energy. So I took it easy. I didn’t force myself to do anything. I just told myself “you don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to. But it might just help you.” I read something a while ago that said studies show that speaking to yourself in the second/third person, has more of an impact than using “I”. So I was gentle with myself. I did things I didn’t feel like doing, things that I usually enjoy, but I did it slowly, and didn’t force it too much. If I read, I would have to reread the same paragraph a few times just to make sense of what I was reading, but I did it anyway. Little bits at a time. And then on Sunday I woke up feeling so much better. I was ready to be around people again. I felt even better when I heard that they were going to be leaving the next day.

Needless to say, I was relieved when they left. But I also felt a little guilty. I felt like a horrible person. I can’t change anything though, so I tried to have compassion for myself, instead of beating myself up over it.

It’s so nice to have my own bed and room back again.

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9 thoughts on “It’s Over

  1. I go through exactly the same in terms of feeling guilty for resenting people for being around, in the end I guess we just feel what we feel and its better to accept it. We are human and we don’t always conform to ideals (our own or anyone else’s). So good to hear you could go easier on yourself and not have to pretend. Its a big step.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. drgeraldstein

    “I felt like a horrible person.” Glad you took steps to survive, but “horrible?” What would you call yourself if you stole from poor children or committed murder?

    Liked by 2 people

  3. It sounds like you did a good job taking care of your needs. It’s hard to avoid those thoughts (horrible person) because we know we aren’t meeting other people’s expectations. But they are not you. It could have been much worse for you (and probably everyone else), had you tried to push yourself beyond what you knew was the best for you. I’m glad you are remembering to talk to yourself with gentle kindness and compassion. ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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