Heading For A Breakdown

I’m not in a good place.

I had an okay few hours yesterday, but that was unfortunately short-lived.

My immune system is down. My body is on high alert. My nervous system is shot. I can’t focus, I can’t concentrate. There’s this mental fog that I haven’t been able to shake.

At the same time, it feels as though my mind is about to explode. Been trying to self-sooth, but it doesn’t seem to be working either. All I want to do the whole time is cry. And some of the time I don’t even know why I’m crying. It just keeps coming.

All I want, all I long for right now is a long hug. A soft touch, a warm body. Someone to sit with me in silence and hold my hand. To hold me close and tell me that I’m going to be okay. I don’t want to hear “everything is going to be okay”, because no one can predict the future. But “you’re going to be okay” really works for me. It helps build me up, allows me to tap into my strength. Because during these intense moments, I feel I don’t have the strength to pull myself together, let alone to keep going. We all need love and closeness sometimes, right? “Please hold me for a while”, I want to say. But there’s a sense of shame in wanting to say those words. To ask for comfort. I don’t want to be saved, I just want to be held. Right now, I can’t be that person I need. I don’t know how to. And how can I, when I despise myself?

Am I so ugly and bad, and that’s the reason no one is ever around when I really need someone? You guys give me so much care and support here, which I appreciate immensely. But sometimes you just need that physical presence, you know?

I don’t usually ask for hugs, even when I desperately want one. On the way to work this morning, I decided that I’m going to ask my step mom for one (I don’t like being touched or hugged by my dad). But when I got into the office, she was passive aggressive with me over something that I can’t remember right now. It really hurt me, as if I wasn’t hurting enough already, and I could feel the tears coming. So I used that opportunity for a bathroom break. Even though I had just gotten in. And now I don’t want to even see her. I’m so damn sensitive.

I’ve always been sensitive and hyper-vigilant, but it seems worse these days. The smallest sound and sudden movement and my body goes into overdrive. Once it’s over, the effects still remain for quite a while. I don’t have energy for much. I don’t want to eat, my appetite is non existent. Besides what I mentioned above, the need for comfort, I don’t want anything to do with anyone. I want to crawl into a dark, warm space and just lie there. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live either.

Nearly every day I have to hear how bad my dad’s business is doing, and how they’re in deep debt. That we might not have a place to stay soon. Every week it’s the same story. I’ve asked him to please not speak about finances (especially the business’s finances) in front of me and the kids. But it seems he doesn’t get the message.

My dad will send me a message, or come home after work to change, and tell me that some friends invited them for dinner at their house. But I know when my dad is lying. Besides, my step sister is obsessed with checking in everywhere on Facebook. I see that she’s checked in somewhere, and tagged my dad, brother and step mom. That they’re having dinner, or watching a movie. Definitely not at some “friends” house. I don’t understand why they need to lie about what they’re doing and where they’re going. Only my brother will tell me the truth the next day, but also doesn’t know why they don’t ask me to come with. The only conclusion that I can come up with is that they don’t want me to go, either because they just don’t want me there, or they want to save money. But all that happens is that I’m left feeling like a burden. And like I’m not part of the family. I don’t belong.

That triggers thoughts and memories of times past where I also felt this way.
I left a good job in order to make sure that my dad was going to be okay (after his suicide attempts). In order to parent him (which I shouldn’t have done). So I followed him from one woman to the next. I’d find a job, and then their relationship wouldn’t work out and it was onto the next woman. I knew they would break up, and I was always afraid that he’d attempt suicide again. After every break up, my dad would tell me that the women didn’t want me around and that’s why they broke up. Even though they hardly ever saw me. I was doing my own thing most of the time. He’d never mention how he had fucked up in the relationship, it was always the other woman. And me. So how can I not feel like a burden?

I feel really alone and lost.

As well as so much shame. For being a burden. For being me. For being alive.

It’s like I’m heading for a breakdown, and I feel powerless to stop it.

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37 thoughts on “Heading For A Breakdown

  1. I hate, hate, hate knowing it’s coming. Sometimes I don’t know what’s worse – the breakdown or knowing it’s coming. Sometimes, I think the worry leading up to it causes it to snowball out of control.
    Luckily, you and I both have an outlet here on WordPress. Keep writing and expressing, my friend!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Rayne, wish I could give you a million hugs right now… definitely feel for you and know what you’re going through. Some excellent questions poised throughout the post; having the physical presence of a caring person next to you makes all the difference in the world.

    In that spirit, I just want to say “you’re going to be okay”, ’cause I believe you’ll get through this. Hugs ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  3. What a burden you’ve carried looking out for your father. He doesn’t deserve your love and dedication..It is so cruel that he blamed you for his failed relationships 😦 You are a lovable, caring and deserving person! Don’t let his voice drown out the truth of who you are. It is so unfair you are suffering hun! I am here to chat anytime, if you need it. Sending you a big hug xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “You are a lovable, caring and deserving person!” This means a lot to me my friend. One of my biggest issues is not feeling worthy of care, or deserving of anything good. My dad is supporting me financially (in a way), and by giving me a roof over my head until I can get back onto my own feet, so it’s come full circle I guess. I can’t wait for the day I get to have my own place. Sometimes though it feels as though I’ll never get there. That I’ll be stuck here forever. Thanks lovely lady. xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Nesu

    I’m currently going through a breakdown rn but reading your struggle in a way comforts me to know I’m not the only one in pain of feeling like a burden within my current life. I truly hope you make it through this, you’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Send as much love and support as my heart allows. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I understand the mental fog and also feeling like an outsider when it comes to immediate family. Sometimes family members make us the “black sheep” in order to feel better about themselves. And the sacrifices you’ve made for your father might have sucked a bit of the energy you need for you. There isn’t an easy solution, especially when it comes to living situations and being in close proximity to potential triggers and people who don’t respect our decision to not talk about certain things and etc. My ❤️ goes out to you. I do understand, more than you know. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I love what everyone has written (comments above) as well as thier support. Rayne ya gotta know that we are all virtually hugging you from afar. I know it’s not the real thing, but feeling that someone…, anyone cares for you is the best comfort in the world… ((Hugs)) 😊😚

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Here is a ❤️{{{{{{{{{{{{ HUG }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}❤️ for you … know that you are not alone …. I understand a lot of what you are going through .. it has taken me such a long time to accept hugs, and now that I have, it hurts more to have them … sometimes its better just to not know what its like. My husband hugs me, but I long for a different hug… so I GET it, I really do ..

    Just know that you are not alone ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Guess what love? Everything is going to be okay, and YOU are going to be better than okay. I cannot makes changes in my life for other people’s comfort. Been there, and I basically stopped living my own life to help clean up other people’s. Please take care of you. Just you, and just one day, one moment, at a time. You are sooooo loved my precious soul. Hugs to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh sweet Rayne, you WILL get through this, but you have got to see your father for who he is! I’m so sorry but he will never give you what you need/needed from him. He is in worse shape than you are! I wish I could sit and hold your hand and tell you how strong you are. You prove that every time you reach out. I wish you could let your dad be an adult and not let him affect you so, but I get it, he’s your dad. He can’t see you because he can’t see himself and yet at the same time he is so self absorbed. I wish you didn’t live with him because his presence prevents you from being the beautiful one you are meant to be! Love yourself Rayne, you deserve it! 🤗❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re really great. 🙂 I know he’ll probably never change, and even my therapist has told me that before as well (after a “family” session). For now, I’m just trying to keep the peace. But the moment I’m able to, I’m out of here and will be free to live my life the way I want to. Thanks for your comment. ❤

      Like

  10. You are not a burden here. This is your place, and its a safe place. Imagine my words wrapping around your shoulders and back and giving you a strong, warm embrace. That’s what I send to you. You are in so much pain. Allow yourself outlet with the tears. Your dad sounds ill and his behaviour constitutes questioning. Its no wonder you feel you don’t belong. But you do belong. You belong to yourself. Please, please don’t despise yourself. Love, accept and right now provide comfort for yourself. Whether it be sleeping or crying or a hot bath. Take care. I care. We all care xx

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I’m so sorry that you are hurting so much. You are going to be okay. You are strong and brave and worthy. I’m grateful for your support here and wish that I could give you the shoulder you need. Sending you all my love and strength, hold on ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Pingback: The Breakdown And Recovery – Journey Toward Healing

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