The Breakdown And Recovery

It happened.

As you know from my previous few posts, I’ve been in a very dark place. Thoughts of suicide overtaking everything, and coming to a head on Friday evening. Obsessive thoughts of death and dying. Over and over again. Pain so intense, memories so vivid. It felt as though I had hit rock bottom. Hearing voices inside my mind telling me to end it. That I don’t belong on this earth. I knew those voices were my own. Frightening visions of a dark figure was also present. Even though it only lasted a second each time, it was terrifying.

I had my plan all mapped out. I even wrote a note, which left me strangely happy in a way. Like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders. It was all going to be over soon. At the last-minute, an image of my therapist’s face flashed in front of me. I heard her voice. I fell to the floor and just cried. A mixture of pain, frustration, and a feeling of comfort and warmth from feeling our connection.

I read a book a few months ago, “Healing from Trauma” by Jasmin Lee Cori. After what happened, I remembered something I had read in that book. So I picked it up again and searched for the part I had in mind. Where she was talking about finding your rock. A person (or even a pet) that you feel connected to enough for them to be a powerful regulating resource. She says that it helps calm the nervous system. That was certainly the case that night. And I saw for myself just how powerful it is.

On Saturday and Sunday, I reverted back to my 20’s. A time in my life that I never want to relive. A time I had vowed to never repeat. But it happened, and I wasn’t aware that it was coming. I didn’t know the signs. I definitely know them now.

Earlier that day (Saturday) I thought about calling my therapist, but decided against it, as I didn’t want to bother her. If I knew then what I know now, I would have called her. Because once it hit, I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t regulate myself. I was so out of control, that all thoughts of calling my therapist disappeared. I didn’t think about anyone but myself. I was literally unable to bring anyone I know to mind. It was all about me and what was happening in that moment. I wasn’t aware of anything else.

I was reckless, self-destructive, and unintentionally putting other people’s lives in danger. (eg. speeding while drunk). I’m not going to go into detail about everything I did, as I’ve already told my therapist about it. But I will say this, I fucked up. Now that I know the warning signs, I will call my therapist this time, if there is a next time, which I’m going to try to prevent at all costs. Because this can’t happen again. I don’t want to end up destroying my life, or anyone else’s. I don’t want to live with the consequences of my behaviour. It only takes a second to ruin a life.

The difference between this time and my 20’s, was that I realized quickly (2 days instead of years) that I was running away from something. From extreme emotions, pain. Reality. Life. I didn’t have that insight back then. The way I lived my life those years, as well as this time, may have kept me alive, but this kind of behaviour doesn’t serve me, and it’s unhealthy and dangerous.

On Sunday evening, once I had “snapped out of it” I felt horrible. Ashamed. Dirty. Furious with myself. Shock was also mixed in. On Monday, those feelings carried over. I felt the effects in my body as well. I felt nauseous. My stomach was in knots and aching. My nervous system was protesting. It felt like I was in an alternate reality.

I usually have therapy sessions early on a Thursday morning, but I felt that I couldn’t wait that long. So I sent my therapist a text yesterday asking for an earlier session. We arranged it for a few hours later that day. At the beginning of the session I told her that I’m a bad person. She asked whether feeling that I’m a bad person, means that I am? Good point. No one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes and does things they’re not proud of and regret. But that doesn’t make us bad people. Near the end of the session, she said that she’s glad we got together that day, and didn’t wait until Thursday. So was I. This is the second time that I needed a session more than any other time. It did me well. She told me that we could spend the session just talking, but it wouldn’t be effective in the long-term. So she went through an exercise with me, that was really helpful. And it will continue to be helpful. It was a very productive session, and she was very gentle and soft with me. Going into the session, I wanted her reassurance that she wasn’t going to leave me. But the way she spoke to me, made me feel very cared for, and I didn’t need to ask for that reassurance. Because I felt it.

I’m still feeling some of the after effects, but it’s not as intense as it was. I’m trying to practice self compassion.

This all proved to me just how important and vital deep and meaningful connection is for us as humans.

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40 thoughts on “The Breakdown And Recovery

  1. Well done for saying all that so well, Rayne.
    I’m really glad you’re on here tonight to talk about it. 🙂
    As someone who’s had a rough time myself (though not as awful a time as yourself), I second what you say about ‘vital’. 🙂

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  2. Rayne–I’m so sorry you were in such a bad place, and SO glad you are a bit better. Your therapist sounds great, and as you know from our blog/book I am a big believer in the therapeutic relationship being crucial to healing. Please know and trust that healing is possible, and you will get to a better place. I care about you, as I know all your loyal followers do. Please take care of yourself! Sharon

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  3. These extremely dark passages teach you so much..it sounds like you are coming through. I also felt suicidal over the past few days. I know its a sign something in me has to die…or there is something deep and dark I have to face. Thanks so much for sharing this..Im so glad you have such a good therapist.

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  4. Oh Rayne, I am so sorry that things have been this bad. It sounds really, really terrifying, what happened. Your therapist has a good point about feeling like a bad person not making you a bad person. I would have told you the same thing (“you’re not a bad person” – because you’re not) but I would never had connected that advice to myself. It’s a really good point.
    I’m so glad that you were able to reschedule with your therapist and get that support. I am so glad that your therapist is there for you.
    I care about you so much. I hope you continue to recover from the “aftershocks” (which are still terribly painful, so “aftershocks” doesn’t seem like quite the right word to use, but it’s all I have). I’m sending love and support. xoxo

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    1. Thanks lovely. My therapist is smarter than she should be. 😛 “Aftershocks” is actually the perfect word. Thanks for your support, and for caring. 🙂 ❤

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  5. Im so sorry that the found yourself in that dark suffering place. Im glad you are feeling a bit better and are practicing self-compassion. I really, really connected with Jasmin Corey’s book. In fact, she said things in her book that I seriously thought I was the only one who felt like that. One part in particular. You are a survivor my friend. Lots of love to you! ❤️❤️

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  6. I am so sorry that you were in such a dark place but I am sooooo glad you came out of it okay! I understand I have been there, no I am there right now to be honest. I’m working with my therapist as well and being honest with her about my thoughts because I know if Im not things will not have a good ending. Please take care of yourself….

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    1. Thank you. I’m sorry you’re going through such a bad time. It’s good that you’re working with your therapist and being honest with her. It helps to open up. Sending hugs your way. ❤

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  7. Your therapist is certainly right – you aren’t a bad person simply because you feel like one or because you may have made some mistakes. I think it was so brave of you to go to your therapist and be honest with her and work through it – it couldn’t have been easy but you did it. Kudos girl. Thinking of you and hope you are feeling better x

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    1. Thank you. 😊 We all make mistakes, and that’s what I tend to forget sometimes. I feel like I’m such a bad person because I make mistakes. I really need to practice this self compassion thing more.

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  8. I appreciate that you are able to write so honestly about your experience. I think it helps all the rest of us “normalize” our extreme emotions and difficult experiences. I am sorry you went through what must have been a very traumatic weekend and also thankful that you came out of it safely.

    I hear you on the significance of the therapeutic relationship; what a difference it makes. I’m so glad you have a good therapist.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. 🙂 I have that experience too when reading my favourite blogs, and can relate to a post. “I’m so glad you have a good therapist.” Me too!

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  9. “just how important and vital deep and meaningful connection is for us as humans”… this is so true. And I’m happy that you chose to live ❤ Blahpolar once said to me "health is a long term investment". Try not to judge the success of your journey so far, based on this one experience. The journey is all about learning – the book-smarts stuff and the experiences. And this has been an experience that you have embraced and are growing from. You are brave. Brave to still continue. You are strong. You are a survivor

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your comment is lovely. Thank you. 🙂 ❤ I like "health is a long term investment". Thanks for sharing that. Sometimes I see my progress, and then it takes just one "mess up" and I can only see that. Thinking that all my effort and progress has disappeared. Black and White thinking is a pain.

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  10. I am so glad that I read this today. I’ve had a similar experience recently…I guess maybe it’s still going on…the desire to run away, the self destructive decisions… I recognize it too. I’ve been in that darkest place too…and I worked really hard to pull myself out so when I fell backwards and back in last week it rocked me and it’s been kind of ugly since. I started reading the exact book you referenced above because of how I was feeling. I’ve had it for months and when this started I picked it up one night. I think I was looking for something to tell me I was nuts and that I’m making this all up, that what I doing and experiencing is crazy, but what I found was validity to what I was feeling, and understanding. I’m about half way through. And this encouraged me to pick it back up and keep reading. Thank you for sharing this here. It just helps somehow, I can’t explain it, but maybe it’s just that someone else gets it and I’m not the only one.

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  11. How brace of you to put that dark and personal emotional time out for the world to see. I’m so glad you pulled through. You bluntly put your words into motion and more than likely helped someone you don’t even know about! It is so VITAL! Take care my friend. I’m here if you need me😘

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