Selene

I just sat down at my computer right now and thought that I want to write a post. But then I realized… I don’t have anything to write about. There’s nothing that I really want to say.

Something just popped into my mind. Let me tell you about “Selene”. I’ve never told anyone about “her”. Not even my therapist, because it sounds completely crazy. Besides,Β it’s never come up.

I don’t know if Selene was around when I was a kid. The earliest memory I have of her is from my late teens I think. I just remember walking down the street one day. I was scared of something. I can’t remember what, but I still remember the feeling of intense fear. Then suddenly I felt this powerful presence beside me. The fear instantly disappeared and I felt this sense of protection. I didn’t need to see her to know she exists. She felt really familiar… Which is why I say I don’t know whether she was around earlier than that memory.

I was still a Christian back then, but knew that this wasn’t God, an angel or anything like that. She wasn’t part of that spiritual world. Selene felt different, separate to all of that. I can’t explain it.

She’s powerful and invincible. When she’s around I feel like no one and nothing can harm me. I feel strong and empowered. Safe. I don’t experience her internally, but on the outside. Like a physical presence right next to me. Close. The way a bodyguard stands next to a public figure.

Sometimes it seems like she just shows up for no reason. I can’t even understand why she’s there in those moments. And why she’s not around when I want her. A lot of the time she shows up when I’m feeling very anxious or afraid of something. Most of the time, it’s at night. My worst time of day. Which is why I try to stay up as late as I can. Because as soon as that light goes out, I feel vulnerable for some reason. She can be there from a few seconds to a few minutes. Although, there are two moments that I remember sensing her presence when I was in terrible emotional pain. Just sitting with me on the bed and the floor. Most of the time, she’s just this powerful, strong being. My protector.

It’s not a regular thing. Months can go by without her. She showed up again this week. And I don’t even know why. In the moments when she shows up, one part of me experiences her as completely real. The presence I feel isΒ real. The logical part of me is aware that she’s not really real. I’m pretty sure she’s just a construct of my imagination. A defense mechanism? But yet, she’s real. Does that make sense?

Well, it seems I did have something to say after all. Even though it’s something that might well see me getting more meds to add to my collection, and send some of you running.

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33 thoughts on “Selene

  1. IT makes perfect sense to me. And there are so many things that can be said about this – from a religious point of view, from a psychiatric point of view, from a human point of view – but what does it all matter other than you feel better with Selene around. And as long as there are no negative consequences in your life as a result, then fuck it (and I don’t use that word very often, as you know) – she’s yours and no one else can have her!

    Liked by 6 people

  2. drgeraldstein

    In general it is a good idea to let your therapist, if you trust your counselor, know about such things. Yes, possible diagnostic suggestions come to mind, not all of which lead to medication. More importantly, one requires a therapist who is properly trained in diagnosis and treatment of whatever this does suggest when combined with those experiences you have already shared with her. It may be scary to talk about, but it is simply prudent to do so.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My therapist often reads my blog, so even if I don’t raise it with her immediately, it will most likely come up. Just out of curiosity, what are you thinking it might suggest?

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      1. drgeraldstein

        I think it best not to say anything more. Only someone who has seen you face-to-face and has a comprehensive grasp of your personality can form a proper judgment of where this fits.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. This is just a powerful spiritual experience … Diagnosis???? There are levels of consciousness all around us…to me Selene only sounds like a positive force in your life and seems to come from deep in your soul, but who knows if she isn’t a guide of some kind too! Beautiful post, Rayne. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 4 people

  4. People with traumatic histories are often very spiritually-attuned. It comes hand in hand with overwhelming sensory and emotional childhood experiences. I had a little Spanish girl who took the gang rapes for me when I was too tired. I am not crazy. I am creative and my brain helped me survive what would be unimaginable to most people. It’s very easy for ‘experts’ to label unusual experiences as pathological and indicating mental illness health. In actual fact we should be commending adult survivors of abuse for the creative and ingenious ways they instinctively created to survive the unbearable. Enjoy Selene. She is there to help you. This isn’t a psychiatric symptom. It’s evidence of your bravery Rayne 😘😘😘

    Liked by 5 people

  5. Lots of great comments here! It sounds like you have found a logical way to handle stress and emotions that are just too hard. I’m not a therapist, but I do know that many of us that experience trauma end up with very similar strategies to help us. It doesn’t sound like you view Selene as someone who takes over your body or mind, but more like a comfort object. I appreciate your strength in sharing part of your story ❀

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Your guardian. She sounds wonderful. Whether she represents your inner strength or whether she truly is your guardian of an outer source, she is there. Thank you for sharing her with us. Whatever presence makes us feel safe is powerful and important and valid.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m more intrigued than have the fear of running from you, Rayne. Selene seems like an okay gal to me! πŸ˜πŸ˜ŠπŸ‘ Besides, your oftentimes shadow Selene is very quite present with many others like us…

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I agree with most of the comments above! It doesn’t matter where she came from or whether she is real or imagined…The fact that Selene makes you feel protected, is all that matters ❀ Maybe she is a bit like the protected mother figure you've always needed..Just enjoy her presence my friend. xx

    Liked by 2 people

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