Going Out Of My Mind

I haven’t been in a good place. Hell, I feel like I’m barely hanging on.

I’ve been dealing with so many flashbacks, and so many things are triggering me. I’ve discovered even more triggers. They’re fucking everywhere lately!

In group on Tuesday, I skipped the first half, which is usually just the check-in anyway. I saw my OT before group and told her that I’m going home (we didn’t have a session that day). She encouraged me to stay, but I felt like I just couldn’t. I was walking to my car when panic set in, and I realized I didn’t want to go back to the house. I’m walking out of my safe place, only to go to a place I desperately want to get away from. I went back, but sat outside in the coffee shop for the first hour. I just needed to be alone in that moment, while being in a secure, comfortable environment.

One of the psychiatrists at the clinic led the group on Tuesday. I don’t really like it when he runs it, because he’s so clinical, and it feels more like school, sitting in a boring class. I like it when the OT’s run the groups, as they make it fun and interactive.

During the break, my OT wanted to talk to me. She asked me what was going on. I told her that I didn’t want to sit in on the check-in’s, because firstly, it was a big group that night, and secondly I didn’t want to talk. (There was something that had happened that day before the group, but I didn’t want to talk about it. And I still don’t. At least not in the near future). OT said that I didn’t have to talk, but that it’s good to be there and just listen to other’s, because it helps with not feeling alone with our struggles/problems. She’s right of course. But what I didn’t tell her was that I was terrified that if someone said or spoke about something that was triggering, it would send me into full-blown panic attack mode (I didn’t have my Ativan with me, as I had forgotten my bag at home).

I just didn’t feel like talking that day. I barely spoke to my friends who also attend the group. One of them asked me why I’m so quiet and distant. I told her that I’m just tired. I wish it was just that.

I’ve been advertising my photography business, posted adverts on bulletin boards in the shops, but nothing has come from it. I feel like I’ll never get out of this situation I’m in. I’m trying so many different things, and I’m just so tired of problem solving when nothing seems to be working. I’m tired of fighting. I feel like I’ll be stuck forever. I don’t see any hope for my future right now. Everything feels hopeless and pointless. I feel useless.

To add insult to injury, I had a wisdom tooth removed two weeks ago, and developed “dry socket” recently. Look it up on Google if you don’t know what that is. The pain is excruciating. I wake up a few times during the night to radiating pain that just doesn’t stop, and keeps me awake for another hour or two. Prescription pain killers barely work. Give me Morphine please! This is the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. It’s a little better today, and I only woke up once last night, so I’m hoping that’s a sign that it’s finally healing.

Having two of my other wisdom teeth removed a couple of years ago was traumatic enough, but this is so much worse. That was a walk in the park compared to this time. I never want to see a dentist again in my life! I had to go back to her yesterday so that she could pack the socket, but she first had to clean it out, and that hurt! She told me that unfortunately she couldn’t do anything about the pain while doing that. Before I went in to go see her, I took a double dose of one of my benzo’s (not the Ativan), and I was still terrified. She told me I might have to come back, and have it done again, as it’s just palliative treatment and not a “cure”. Afterward, I was so light-headed and nauseous from the stress and anxiety that I almost passed out, and had to lie down on the waiting room’s couch for about 20 minutes. In that moment I didn’t care what anyone else might have thought. Any other time, I would have.

I told my dad last night that I’m not coming into work today, as I’m exhausted and need to try sleep a little and I couldn’t concentrate with the pain. He told me it’s fine (thankfully), but then said that I’m making the pain worse for myself. “Stop thinking about it”, were his words. Stop thinking about it? Are you fucking kidding me? It feels like my face is going to explode at any minute, but I mustn’t think about the pain. I would give anything to be able to not think about it.

Emotional pain and physical pain don’t mix. Physical pain already makes a person feel miserable. Add in depression and anxiety, and it’s a disaster.

I have no appetite. I have to force myself to eat, and then it takes me an hour. I dread breakfast, lunch and dinner time. I feel like crying when it comes time to eat. Which seems overly dramatic, and it probably is. But that’s how it is for me at the moment.

Talking about crying. When I think about tomorrow, the weekend, the week after, etc, I just want to cry. I don’t feel like there’s anything to look forward to. I wish I could cry. But I just can’t. I never know what’s worse. Crying so much and being tearful the entire day, with the smallest little thing setting it off again, or not being able to cry, even though I desperately want and need to. I guess it depends on which state I’m in at that moment. This time I really want to cry.

During hard times, I usually think “I could really use (therapist) right about now. I need her.” But this time is different (and a first). While I would like to see her now, I think I want/need a friend more.

I’m struggling so much, and I don’t know where to turn. Or who to turn to.

But I just want to die.

This has been a long post, but I needed to get all this out.

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28 thoughts on “Going Out Of My Mind

  1. So sorry to hear you are having these difficulties and feeling like this. Let it out on your blog and hopefully some of the weight you have will feel like it is lifted.
    I know the feeling of stuck. Although I am working, I have wanted to get out of this job I am currently in for over 2 years to 3 years. (Lost count now.) Although I am doing things to hopefully help me in a direction I want to go in and doing other things that I hope will open doors, it all feels too long and while I do the current job I currently do, although atmosphere is better, it sometimes feels depressing. I get either frustrated, or I feel low if I try to think too much into the future.
    One of my low moments like this was yesterday. I was probably feeling as I were, with that stuck feeling with it being my birthday today.

    As for the pain you are experiencing after wisdom tooth removal. My goodness, the pain you will be in won’t help on top of everything else that you feel currently. I hope this calms down for you.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks Liz. It always help a little letting things out on my blog. I’m sorry to hear that you also feel stuck, and that you’re having such a hard time with work. Finding a job isn’t easy. I hope things work out for you. Happy belated birthday! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Rayne, dry socket survivor over here. You will get through! It’s the absolute WORST. Of course you’re feeling miserable. That amount of pain is going to make any other amount of pain worse. I’m sending you hugs and some applesauce and warm soup broth and tea and wish I could come watch a funny movie with you until you feel better ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I thought it was better, but I had another horrible night last night and woke up every hour from the pain. I’m also worried that the antibiotics for my infection don’t seem to be working. 😦 I just wish it was over, it’s feels so traumatic. Thanks for the foodstuffs, lol. I could almost taste and smell it. ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh Rayne… I understand that feeling, you are not alone in that. It is so hard when everyday feels like a struggle, just to get through the day and wake up knowing you have to do it all over again. I also get how hard it is to have physical pain along with emotional pain. Sometimes it just feels like too much. When I’m in that state, I go back to my old recovery instructions and try to just do one minute at a time… I don’t have to think about the whole day, just the next minute, or hour, or task (just think about taking a shower, not the entire day). I’m glad you are keeping yourself as safe as you can from triggers, it’s ok to hunker down until you are feeling a little safer. Sending you all my love and strength ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “It is so hard when everyday feels like a struggle, just to get through the day and wake up knowing you have to do it all over again.” You said it perfectly. Thanks my friend. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome. Not very uplifting words but please know that you are not alone in this feeling… it can be so overwhelming and I understand. Just keep going one minute at a time. Love to you ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh no oh no oh no!!! First on the dry socket. That is the worst pain ever!!!! I got it 30 years ago and still remember. You poor poor thing. I feel awful for you!!!! To tell you not to think about it. Ummmm yeah, not possible buddy sorry!!!!
    And therapy. You know, I can’t do the groups because someone elses story will trigger me and then I am stuck out somewhere not feeling safe and I need to choose to hear a story on my own terms when I myself am in a good place and feeling safe. I have gone to a coffee shop before too to just ground myself and be alone and let myself calm down.
    Im so so sorry you have had such a hard week!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s insanely painful. Never again will I get any tooth pulled, that’s for sure. The fear I had of dentists, has now been amplified by a thousand! The strange thing is that most of the time the group doesn’t trigger me. I feel it to be a safe, cozy space, which I look forward to going to every week. So it’s rare that I get triggered… It’s happened twice I think, but then I just get up and go outside to the coffee shop. I’ll keep safe by not going into group if I’m having a particularly triggering day. ❤

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  5. Oooo, I know physical pain from my sciatica days. There is not a chance in hell you can “stop thinking” about it. Its consumes every minute. Add emotional pain and its a onslaught. I feel for you in so much torment. I hope it eases soon and hope returns.

    Have you tried advertising your photography in one of your local newspapers? Try the classified section. Specifying in one area of work is also a good way to go ie. weddings, baby, family portraits, women empowerment photo shoots. You could make a facebook page of your work and share the link. Word of mouth spreads fast. Wedding exhibitions? Gumtree? Sorry, lots of information… I work in advertising…. kinda

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. 🙂 I specialize in family photography- which includes maternity and newborns. There’s nothing like a brand new little person to make you feel warm all over. I have a website and Facebook page. Thanks for the suggestions. 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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