To The Man Who Raised Me

It feels like I’ll never get rid of you.
I constantly feel you inside me.
Like a second layer of skin.
I see you when I look in the mirror.
And I hate what I see.

You’re putting a roof over my head.
But you’re not doing it because you love me.
You don’t know how to love anyone but yourself.
You’re just doing it to keep control over me.
To show the world what a good man you are.

But you’re not a man.
You’re a monster.

I asked you to stop doing something.
You got mad, and still just keep doing it.
“That’s what family does. At least our family”.
But I don’t want to be part of that “family”.
I cringe and feel nauseous every time, but bite my tongue.

I was never your little girl.
I was just an object for you. Someone to control.
Just like you did with the rest of them.
You make me question my memories, my sanity.
My beliefs. Myself. Who am I?

I am who you say I am.
Isn’t that right?

You’re giving me so much right now.
Except that which I’ve always needed.
But you’ve taken away even more.
I wish I wasn’t yours.
But I can’t cut you out of my life.

I can’t stand the sight of you most days.
When I look at your face, I want to scream.
Memories flash on the screen of my mind.
Your voice sickens me.
Your touch destroys me little by little.

You broke what was shiny and new.
And have the audacity to say it was them that ruined me.
It’s never you, is it? It’s always everyone else.
You can do no wrong.
Your worldview is sick and twisted. Just like you.

I should have just let you die those times.
I shouldn’t have intervened.
Just go to my room and pretend I didn’t know.
Let others find you on the floor.
She says I did what I thought was right. But was it?

You think you’re a god, sitting on your throne.
Everyone must bow down and and worship you
Or face the consequences of your rage.
It works, because we’re so fucking scared of you.

I can’t escape. I’m trying so hard to find a way.
But I fail time and time again. I’m a failure.
I’m letting go of the hope that you’ll change.
That you’ll be the father I’ve always wanted.
I wish I could get you off me and out of me.

Will it ever end?

I can’t get away from you.
I’m helpless. Trapped.
“Get out” they say.
I’ve tried. I’m still trying.

And it hurts. It fucking hurts.
because even though I hate you,
I love you.

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28 thoughts on “To The Man Who Raised Me

  1. Rayne,

    This was so incredibly emotional to read, so I can only imagine what it was like to write. You are amazing, despite whatever past happened. You have a way with words and expression that emotionally tie people to you with empathy. Keep writing, my wonderful, sweet, friend. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hang in there and do watch, the late ’30s version of the film “Lost Horizon,” with Ronald Coleman. When you finish it, remember the word’s of the man at the club who attempted to find Robert Conway and the tribute/toast he pays to him. That you haven’t gotten over the mountain yet doesn’t mean that you won’t eventually.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the recommendation. I’ve found a place I can rent it from. 🙂 “That you haven’t gotten over the mountain yet doesn’t mean that you won’t eventually.” That’s hope and encouragement. Thank you.

      Like

  3. This was hard to read. So many emotions and I could feel each one of them. I am sorry about the situation and although I cannot say I know how you feel but I certainly can empathize with you. You keep writing it all out. You’re a beautiful person Rayne. Much love for you~MOOOAH!

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Such a heartfelt, emotional post! I can relate so much to ‘I see you when I look in the mirror, and I hate what I see’.It is indeed very painful to know we are half of an abusive person!

    You are absolutely not a failure hun! You were unlucky, that’s all..as was I and so many others born into abusive families..You are loved by your friends and you WILL eventually get there…You are reaching out, getting help and doing everything you can possibly do..I am so sorry you are having flashbacks at the moment, whilst also not being able to get away..You are smart, creative and kind and you will carve your own way in this world, once the circumstances allow you to. Don’t lose hope! We are all behind you! xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for saying that “once the circumstances allow you to”. I feel so much shame sometimes, feeling that others might think I’m not doing enough, and I’m making my own life miserable. Thanks also for your lovely compliments and care. ❤ xx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Its always incredible how human beings are capable of hurting one another with no conscience. No accountability. He may have broken you, but you get the chance to rebuild yourself. On your own terms. Instead of seeing the person, the ‘failure’ you see reflected in his eyes, rather rebuild yourself based on truth and fact, not others’ deception. You are an exceptional person and deserve peace and joy and love

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s tripped out because immediately after I read your post I commented about him being a Narcissist before I’d even read what everyone else thought about him as well. I wasn’t the only one who thought so… But it hurts me to read these feelings and emotions coming from within babe, just know that I feel you.

        Liked by 1 person

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