Scared Of Losing Them

I took my step siblings out for dinner last night. My stepmom and the man who calls himself my dad went to the casino again (an every weekend thing- they’re there again tonight).

I don’t have a close relationship with my stepsister, the way I do with my stepbrother. While having dinner last night, my stepsister was in a happy, childlike state (which is rare). We were talking about random, silly things, and we had a good time. At one point, just before the bill arrived, I looked over at her sitting across from me, and realized… I really love her. That scared me. It still does.

She reminds me so much of my first stepsister. The sister who ran away. For 13 years I had this entire stepfamily, and then in one day, I lost all of them. Just like that. There one minute, gone the next. It was as if they hadn’t even existed.

I guess I’ve subconsciously been keeping an emotional distance from my current stepsister because of that. Although it’s not the only reason. I’ve told her a few times though that if she ever wants to talk, that I’m here for her. But she’s never needed me. And I’ve been okay with that.

Lately, my abandonment fears have been acting up again. Sure, they’re always in the background. But sometimes for certain periods of time, they come out in force. What set it off? I haven’t figured that part out yet. I don’t even know when it started, just that it’s been a while already.

I told my therapist (and I wrote about it in my previous post) that I’ve been feeling disconnected. From her. From everyone. Seeing her again in our session on Thursday, I felt a little more connected to her again. I saw that my insecurity that she was pulling away from me, was unfounded. That my insecurity wasn’t an accurate representation of the state of our relationship. It was a projection. She wasn’t the one pulling away. I was pulling away from her. It’s not my intention though. I don’t want to pull away from anyone. Yet, I feel like I am. I’m not sure how to stop it. Or if I even want to. I’m just really confused.

I’m scared. What if I lose my current stepfamily too? I’ve already lost four families, people I grew to love. I’ve been to way too many funerals. And it all still hurts. Some of the losses feel more raw than others. I wish I can say that I won’t have to deal with another loss. But unfortunately, there are no guarantees in life, and loss is inevitable.

Maybe if I don’t love anymore, people will stay. Maybe if I disconnect, it won’t hurt as much when or if they leave.

I feel as though there’s not much left of me. All those I lost have taken a piece of me with them.

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23 thoughts on “Scared Of Losing Them

  1. Painful stuff 😔 It’s no wonder you have abandonment issues….they haven’t appeared from nowhere. It’s how you learned to protect yourself in life. Lately I’ve disconnected myself loads from everyone…sometimes it is essential, not that you don’t care, but you know you need to protect yourself. Fear of loss is horrible. I hear you xxx

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    1. You always understand. ❤ "sometimes it is essential, not that you don’t care, but you know you need to protect yourself". That makes sense. You have been a little on the quiet side lately, but I know you well enough by now to know that you need your space and protective bubble sometimes, and to just lay low for a while. We get overwhelmed quickly. xxx

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        1. I’m so sorry that you’re having such an awful time. 😦 You know what I always tell you… Take care of YOU. Do whatever you need to, in order to stay safe and look after your mental health. That’s the most important thing. You. ❤

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  2. “Maybe if I don’t love anymore, people will stay. Maybe if I disconnect, it won’t hurt as much when or if they leave.

    I feel as though there’s not much left of me. All those I lost have taken a piece of me with them.”

    These are hard statements to read…because I connect with them so much. I have had my entire family walk away from me and others who have betrayed on deep levels. I push away when people get close to protect myself from getting hurt again and out of fear of abandonment. I’m afraid my therapist will walk out on me someday, pull away, become disinterested. I purposefully keep myself at a distance. So I understand completely what you are describing here. I think summer is right. Sometimes it’s essential, when we feel unsure or unsafe, we need to do something to protect ourselves because earlier, no on did it for us. I think for me, it helps me feel a sense of control. I hope this passes for you and it’s just a small part of the process of healing for you right now. I’m so sorry you are scared.

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    1. I’m so sorry that your family walked away from you, and that you’re been betrayed so much. I share the same fear of my own therapist, as you described. The holding onto that sense of control, makes so much sense… I think that’s true for me as well. You’re a beautiful soul. ❤

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    2. We all have such similarities in loss and abandonment. It is really amazing. And sad. That all of us have been abandoned and are now afraid to love because of the fear of loss. And who woudn’t have fear! Loss is awful. Sometimes the heart just chooses to love anyway though like for the stepsister that you looked at her and thought you loved her. Sometimes the heart is more powerful than the loss

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  3. Part of what is enormously difficult for anyone who has been so often abandoned is not only to determine whether to risk attachment again, but picking the right people with whom to attach. As summerShines said, it is no wonder you have abandonment issues. That anything IS left of you is entirely a tribute to something extraordinary at the center of your being, something of your making.

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    1. “Part of what is enormously difficult for anyone who has been so often abandoned is not only to determine whether to risk attachment again, but picking the right people with whom to attach.” So true. It’s a big challenge. Thank you for your lovely comment. 🙂

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  4. Fear of abandonment is an excruciating thing to live with. Without connection, we are safe, but we are alone. To love and feel connected brings up crushing fears that can be unbearable. Either way we suffer. I think what Dr. Geraldstein said is the first key, to pick the right people to attach to. This will NOT eliminate the struggle. But it will give us an opportunity to learn over time that not everyone leaves. This is a very painful process no matter what we choose. With the right person, love is worth it. We have no choice but to walk through the pain… and it can be unbearable at times. I think we have to risk though to learn what we need to about ourselves. It does take time… lots of time. This process alone is heartbreaking, that we have to suffer so much in order to even risk experiencing connection and love. Love is a risk for everyone, but unless someone has experienced abandonment I think it is hard to know the depths of anguish it creates to risk! I am sorry you are struggling so much. My heart goes out to you. Nothing about this is easy!

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  5. I understand this Rayne, and I understand how hard it is to allow yourself to feel for others. I also understand how easy it is to disconnect. There is no answer. I just allow a few that I grow to trust in some way over time in a little bit more as time passes. However I never actually trust or truly rely on anyone. It hurts but it is my reality and it has kept me alive. I always understand your struggles because they are very close to my own. All my love to you my dear friend ❤️

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    1. I’m with you. I never get to that point where I trust someone 100%. I trust my therapist more than anyone else on this planet, but I hold back a little bit of it… Just in case. I want to trust her completely, but I’m just not able to. I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing though. Love to you too, lovely. ❤

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