Social Anxiety, Embarrassment And Shame

In my previous post I mentioned how I had felt better on Friday. But that only lasted until Saturday evening.

That evening I went to Jasmine’s birthday dinner. There were 10 of us. Two of my friends (I’ve been friends with one of them for over 21 years) had also been invited, since they’re now also friends with Jasmine. My social anxiety was way up there. It was in a noisy restaurant, with the TV way too loud (sports of course). So all that stimulation, and add in 7 people I don’t know, and all I wanted to do was get in my car and go home. But I stuck it out. By the end of the evening I was exhausted.

When we were getting ready to leave, one of Jasmine’s friends made a negative comment about my hair. An overwhelming feeling of embarrassment, shame, and a deep hatred toward myself settled over me like a dark cloud.

I was already especially sensitive that night, due to what happened in group on Tuesday. I haven’t written about that yet. We were busy with the check-in’s, but before it was my turn to share, we had a break. I had a classic BPD mood swing during the break. Anger (towards myself) raging inside and actually throwing a tantrum in the bathroom when no one was in there (throwing my bag across the room- good thing there’s nothing breakable in there). And then the damn tears.

When the break was over and I got back inside, I thought “okay, I’ll share”. I was sitting next to the OT who was leading the group. I told myself “it’s safe, she’s here” (aside from my OT, this one also makes me feel like I’m in good hands). She told me to focus on someone (I chose her and another member of the group), and started. But I spent most of it looking at the damn floor anyway. I felt pressured, not wanting to waste anyone’s time, and just started talking. I know I was probably putting the pressure on myself. After the group, I felt very vulnerable and exposed. And embarrassed. What had I just done? The things I had shared, and the way I had said them, seemed all over the place, and I didn’t think I was even making much sense. Thoughts of “I shouldn’t have said that.” “I can’t believe I said all that”, “what was I thinking?”, “I’m such an idiot.”

I felt I had said too much. Shared things that I actually wasn’t ready to share. I didn’t want to see anyone, I didn’t even look at anyone for the rest of the group time. I felt too vulnerable. I didn’t feel safe after the group (I was in the self-harm “mood”), so I tried to stick around as long as I could. Basically following the OT to wherever she was going, like a damn puppy. We went to the art therapy room and I got to get my “craft” that I had done during my time in the clinic. I was surprised to see that it was still there. So that was nice. Then it was finally time to leave. I didn’t want to, but didn’t have much of a choice.

On the way home, the feelings kept washing over me, the self hatred and abuse loud and clear. I had already been feeling depressed that week, and the previous week, so this was like salt in the wound. I wanted to drive into a wall, and I got pretty close too. I tend to get stuck on thoughts, both negative and positive, but especially the negative ones. They become obsessive thoughts, and I really struggle to let them go. I don’t really know how to.

Have you ever felt this need to have someone hold space for you when you feel you just can’t do that for yourself? Because you feel you don’t deserve it, and maybe if someone can just hold it for you for a little while, you’ll be able to take it back when you feel stronger? I want someone to hold that space for me, but I feel completely alone and abandoned (even if it’s not actually true, and I’m just seeing it through negative eyes right now).

Right now, at this very moment, I feel like I’ve just given up on fighting. I don’t have the strength or energy. I’ll just go through life and take the blows. I’m depressed as hell. I don’t like people right now. Yet I want them. I don’t like me. But I wish I could.

I feel guilty for being me. Ashamed of who I am, and what I’m not.

26 responses to “Social Anxiety, Embarrassment And Shame”

  1. I don’t really like this post so it’s more of a way to let you know I hear you. I’m proud of you for sharing in group, it must have been really hard. And, yes, I have that same feeling frequently. I crave someone, but at the same time, I don’t want anyone. I’m sorry someone said something negative about your hair. That is a fault in that person, not you. Your hair doesn’t matter one bit, you do. And if that’s all that person can see, then they are flawed to the core. Not you! I know it’s hard to keep our minds from sticking to the negative thoughts, I always go to ‘worse case scenario’ but the thing about that, that keeps proving true time and time again, is that it rarely every happens. Go back to how you felt on Friday and remember that it is possible to be okay, it is possible to make it through the hard times, they pass, just like the good times. It all comes, but it also all goes. You got this love… I’m holding space for you in my heart ❀

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I love the idea of holding space for someone. Many of my nursing students experience heightened anxiety and it is critical that I hold a “safe space” in my classroom. Every single day. Only then can the learning & growth unfold. 🌺🌿

    Liked by 3 people

  3. This happens to me all the time Rayne. I showed weakness today with a lawyer and was stuck on it. Overanalyzed it to death, thought about every possible thing that could go wrong. Then I always end up at some point wondering what the heck is wrong with me. Why do I just blurt everything out. Why can’t I control my mouth sometimes…most of the time. Then when I am defeated I say nothing at all. I turn into a shell of myself and shut down. The things I write Rayne. The things you read. They are exactly what I feel and have felt. There is a lot of pain, and a lot of detachment. I also can’t always do it. I also want someone to take some of the strain, and I also feel alone. I want you to know that I know exactly how it feels. It freaking sucks. You can do it Rayne. We both can.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I relate to this so much in my current situation. Since my “tantrum” on the hen night things have been bad between me and my cousin on my end at least because she basically thinks I broke down on purpose and twisted things to make me look bad and has been so much of a hypocrite that I honestly don’t want to be her bridesmaid anymore. In fact i want nothing to do with her aa shes set off so much anger inside of me and caused me more grief and distress than I need. So you’re not alone in feeling so off people and I too throw tantrums when things are particularly stressful but because I want to but I just sort of explode with bottles up emotions. I’m sorry things are bad for you right now (well done on getting through that dinner though) but we’ll get through it together ❀ xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m sorry you had that experience. I don’t have “tantrums” in front of people, but sometimes I really wish I had it in me to let a person have it. Thanks my friend. ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh sweetie. It sounds so hard. I know all of those self judging voices SO WELL. It is so unfair that you have a monster self inside who puts you down all of the time. I remember sharing in group meetings and feeling just drenched in shame and feelings of utter worthlessness and the belief everyone was judging me. So I can only empathise with where you are but at the same time feel sad as you are such a beautiful soul inside. Sending you love and I can totally see why you feel the need to be close to the OT as for you she represents an island of safety in a hostile world. There is no shame in that. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Also, its just a thought but maybe you are getting an extra intense dose of seeing where you are and what you have struggled with in terms of the self hatred in order that you can learn to accept that is the way it has been in order to turn it around. (I just feel that shift in the last sentence you wrote here) I have been learning to answer my inner critic back more and more lately. I refute things he (its a he masculine punishing energy in my mind) says all the time now, but its taken me years to be able to do this. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I really liked this. Just randomly found your post and identified with the way you were feeling. Though in a totally different circumstance and with a different reaction but the thought process was definitely similar. Especially with how you consider others just like me. I don’t have wise words of breakthroughs or whatevs but yeah. I get it and hope you feel more positivity as time goes on. A new follower because I’m keen on tips too. Good luck us!


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