“She’s Gone Forever”

My therapist went on leave for two weeks. I knew about this for two weeks before her break, and during that time, I didn’t think much about it. More importantly, I didn’t know how I felt about it. Like I told her in our session two weeks ago, I’m happy that she’s making time for herself, and taking this break. In Thursday’s session, she brought up her leave again, and asked me whether I want to discuss it and how I feel about it. I can’t really remember what I answered. It’s like a chunk of my memory has been erased (I’m so tired of this happening). So I don’t know what I had said. But I appreciate that she always discusses this topic, and tries to make it easier for me. She doesn’t just throw me into the deep end.

We have this special emoticon that represents a hug (not the traditional hug one). We made a deal to only use that one for us, not for anyone else. That little symbol comforts my soul, and brings a smile to my face every time she uses it. I sent her a text on Friday, as it was the last day I’d be able to until she gets back. I asked for one of our special hugs, and she sent me one. I hold onto that one simple little thing. A simple thing that means so much.

I’ve been thinking that maybe one of the contributing factors of my recent surge in abandonment fear, is due to me knowing that she’s going to be away. Even though, like I said, I didn’t give too much thought to it, I think it was stored in my subconscious instead.

It’s not about not seeing her for a session. I wouldn’t have been able to see her for a session in that time anyway. The weeks when we don’t have therapy, I’m perfectly fine with our contact between sessions. Some weeks it will only be one text or email. It’s more when I have something to say, or am feeling insecure. Sometimes I initiate it, other times, she does. Checking in. So that’s what makes her going away hard… We won’t have any contact. I miss her. And I’m sad that she left me alone (that’s what it feels like anyway). There are moments where I think that I don’t know if I ever want to speak to her again. Then other moments where I just want her to come back. I’m being selfish. And this feeds into the emotion I’ve been struggling with for the past while, which I’ll write about in my next post.

I once got asked by a friend of mine, who went to therapy for a year herself, why and how I can be so attached to a therapist. She understands attachment, but not between a therapist and client. I realized that no matter how you explain it, a lot of people won’t truly “get it”, unless they’re in the same boat. Almost all of you who have BPD have this same attachment to your therapists. I always relate to your posts on this topic. So I know I’m not the only one who gets upset and chaotic when our therapists go on vacation or take leave. Counting the days down until they return. Days that feel like weeks. It’s hard. And others don’t understand why we struggle so much with this. But they don’t need to understand it.

The words “she’s gone forever” came into my mind when I woke up this morning. I know it didn’t come from my adult self, but from the little part.

I know it’s not true though. She’s not gone forever. But why does it still feel like she is?

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18 thoughts on ““She’s Gone Forever”

  1. Oh lovely this is so hard. I nearly cried reading this because my T is taking a break in two weeks and I’m already starting to feel the panic and sadness that you describe here.

    I hate it. Therapy breaks are cruel. We all understand the need for them to take breaks and how it’s reasonable and healthy rada rada rada but at the end of the day, we rely on them as our main caregiver (to our child part at least). They regulate us, they keep us feeling okay, they hold and steady us. We need them so of course we feel this way! Nothing seems to be able to make the pain lessen does it. We just have to try and remind ourselves that we can survive it and that she will be back. Just all easier said than done.

    A few things I do is write a lot, write letters/emails to her even if I never give them. Or maybe write blogs about how you feel knowing you will let her read them?

    T told me on Tuesday that we mustn’t forget the adult in us otherwise it feels too overwhelming (she said this because I said you wouldn’t leave a 6 year old alone for a week because she would die and that is how it feels)…

    Anyway all that aside. I get you and I am sending you hugs.

    Xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I feel like my therapist holds and steady’s me, but I believe that it’s my responsibility to learn how to regulate myself (through DBT). So I don’t rely on her for that. Of course, there are moments where I feel unable to regulate myself, so it helps then to have that someone who can be our “strong pillar” and talk us through it. That’s a good idea… writing letters more often, without the intention of sending them to her. Thanks for the hugs. 🙂 xx

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      1. I know how hard it is. I love the work of Margaret Paul she is on the internet, Its called Inner Bonding and she shows how you can develop a relationship between a loving adult in you and your inner child. We all have an inner child but I think when that child has gone through such difficulties in attaching and bonding and expressing and knowing its deeper instinctive truth we have ruptures that are difficult but so essential to understand and find ways to heal. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  2. My therapist was gone for 2 weeks and when I went back to see her I felt resentment because I knew that I couldnt get through everything I needed to and would feel rushed. I felt angry which is interesting after reading your blog and how you felt about her leaving for 2 weeks. I quickly got over my mood after seeing her.
    I have never had a therapist that I am actually attached to until now. Which makes me nervous because I will feel very lost without her.
    I put way to much pressure, or maybe that’s not the word, i rely on her too much to anchor me and I do need to get my shit together a little more so that I can self soothe without her guidance. It’s just freaking hard so I am feeling for you

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    1. I totally get it… The resentment that comes with knowing you won’t get through everything and feeling rushed. I was very angry with her for a few hours this morning. I felt like cancelling therapy and never going back. But I know well enough by now to not do something like that on impulse. Especially since I know my problem with splitting. This morning she was the “bad guy”, but now she’s “perfect” again. I can’t keep up with the shit my brain does automatically.

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      1. OMG. Why do our brains do shit automatically. Why!!!! It is so frustrating. I hate it. I know the feeling.
        I woke UP this morning angry. Angry at everything. Angry at everyone. Why? I popped my eyes open and was full of anger at the people who have bullshit through my life and let me down and abandoned me. And it isn’t a poor me I’m pathetic. It is an anger of they are shit and I deserved better and I am pissed.
        Why? Woke up and bam. There it is. Automatic.
        I’m so gad you didn’t cancel therapy. You know yourself. That is huge. You know you like to split. That is huge. Because then you can predict that the outcome won’t most likely be like you may think and the fact that she went from bad guy to perfect just reminds your brain the next time. I’m happy you went.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. That’s the question of existence… Our brains really need to become more evolved, lol. I’ve also often woken up feeling angry, or irritated, sad, or depressed. Sometimes I wonder whether I didn’t have a dream that maybe contributed to that. I think that, because sometimes I’ve noticed that when I wake up, remembering a dream, it has affected my mood. Sometimes even for the rest of the day. So maybe I actually had a dream that I don’t remember (which they say happens most of the time), and that’s what made me feel shit- the content of the dream. Thanks Bethany. 🙂 ❤

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          1. Me too! A dream will ruin my entire day!!!!! It leaves this residue that I can’t get rid of. It’s awful.
            Now that you’ve said this I wonder if I have had a dream that I didn’t even remember and that left me waking up in a foul mood. I will wake up angry for no reason. I will wake up crying for no reason. Hmm. You’ve given me something to think about

            Liked by 1 person

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