Alone

Did a photo shoot for some friends. Wasn’t up for it. Depressed. Did it anyway. They seemed to be having fun. I was on autopilot. Tried to have fun. It wasn’t happening.
Went out for coffee with them afterward. Felt empty. Could barely talk. Good thing they seemed to be talking among themselves enough for my silence to be okay. For me to be invisible. And they didn’t notice a thing. Empty… Lonely… Depressed… Empty.
Supposed to be working on the photo’s. Something I enjoy. But not in the mood.

Just want to disappear. Want to be alone. But so lonely. Don’t want to be alone. Want to curl up into a ball, with a warm hand to hold. Lie with my head on someone’s lap. So cold. Inside and outside. Want to be soothed. Only have myself for that. Don’t want myself. Too much sad to hold alone.

That’s enough for today. Going to rest my face against my special super soft little blanket. Sleep in my therapy “jacket”. Hold onto that special hug. Pull the duvet over my head. Disappear into the dark for a while. Alone. Always alone.

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17 thoughts on “Alone

  1. You’re a photographer too? I have a wedding a week Saturday and I’m dreading it! Been in this game 12yrs and so I guess I’ll go on autopilot too for the day (but like you I will struggle with the editing side of it. Batch processing… must use batch processing). Well done you for getting through it and surviving and enjoy your cocoon. Take care xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, I’m a photographer. I enjoy newborn and family photography the most. I just started a wedding photography business with another photographer… I hate doing weddings, and told myself never again. But with the both of us, I feel pretty good about it. Thanks! 🙂 xx

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  2. That whole second paragraph resonates so much with me. “Too much sad to hold alone” – that’s the worst feeling in the world. I don’t want you to be alone. I’m sending my love, for what that’s worth. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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