Sleep, And A Dream

I went to bed relatively early last night. I had just taken a Xanax, which I take in the place of sleeping tablets. I’ve got a box of prescription sleeping pills, but the Xanax has been effective in helping me sleep, so I haven’t needed to use them. It’s been a while since I took Xanax, as I only take it when I’ve had a week of bad sleep and just can’t function anymore. Then I take one every night for about 3 nights, to try to catch up on that sleep.

This morning at about 10am, I was woken up by my step-mom knocking on the door (usually she just walks in without knocking). She wanted me to go grocery shopping for them, and continued explaining something. I can’t remember anything else she said, other than “go shopping” so I had to phone her before I went. When I just wake up and therefore, still half asleep, don’t talk to me, because I’ll probably miss 99% of what was said. And I become irritable. The only time I won’t be moody when someone wakes me up, is if it’s done gently. But even then, give me time to wake up properly before starting a conversation.

When I looked at the time this morning, I saw that I had slept for 11 hours! That’s not me, I don’t think I’ve ever slept for so long. I don’t know how that had happened. If my step-mom hadn’t woken me up, how much longer would I have slept? I took a nap this afternoon as well, which lasted two hours. I woke up often though, but was too tired to get up, and would fall asleep again. I’m still exhausted. I’ve never slept so much in my life, even when depressed. Actually, when I’m depressed, and exhausted, my insomnia is worse. I just want to lie in bed whole day, but I struggle to actually sleep. I don’t feel particularly depressed, so I don’t think it’s that.

I had a dream last night, and I must have woken up at some point, but I have no recollection of that. I read (or heard) somewhere that we remember our dreams when we wake up from one… If we don’t wake up after the dream, we don’t remember it. I don’t know how true that is though.

In this dream I was holding a newborn baby against my chest. I had her wrapped up in a blanket, inside the jacket I was wearing, so I knew she was warm. She was very quiet, and seemed to be sleeping. But then I got the sense that something wasn’t quite right. Why wasn’t she crying? Why did she feel so cold against me, when I knew she’s actually warm? All of a sudden I felt her take this deep breath, as though she hadn’t had oxygen for a while. She started crying. I knew that she was hungry. Starving actually. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to feed her, but I didn’t have any bottles or formula. I thought maybe I can breastfeed her, but realized that I couldn’t even if I wanted to. I tried searching for a bottle, or something that I could feed her with, but my efforts were unsuccessful.

I tried to get the attention of my dad and first step-mom, who were locked in a physical fight, and screaming and swearing at one another. I tried to ask them to help me find a bottle and get formula for her. But they were ignoring me, as though I didn’t even exist. Like they couldn’t see or hear me. I felt stuck. What do I do now? Then suddenly I was in a crowded place, with people all around me. But my cries for help with this baby went unheard. I tried everything to soothe her, but it wasn’t helping. That’s all I remember from this dream. I felt a little unsettled by this dream for a few hours after waking up.

It’s been a strange day. I feel like I’m in a zone that I don’t know how to get out of. I was a bit dissociated at some points during the day, but used my self-soothe box to help ground me. It worked, but I still felt different inside. Not knowing how I’m feeling. It’s not a sense of emptiness either. I just don’t know.

I’m glad this day is over, and for a change I’m actually looking forward to sleeping.

Goodnight everyone.


19 thoughts on “Sleep, And A Dream

  1. Funny thing: I used to take Xanax as well to get to sleep. Shoot it worked for me. As a matter of fact its the only purpose that I used them for. They will knock you the hell out too. Damn, I miss those….now I take Trazadone and I can’t even stay asleep the entire night…Anyways…about your dream. You are exactly right about remembering them. I read that the severely depressed are usually the ones who do remember their dreams aka or nightmares rather (at least for me) I used to right them down the next morning. They make for some great sci-fi story shit. LOL!

    Girl…I need to share with you one of my nightmares I used to have when I’ve been on all kinds of antidepressants! Anyway, sometimes you shouldn’t read so deep into your dreams or nightmares. Let me ask you this though. Do you remember running into anyone with a baby that day at all lately? Or maybe watching a television show that had any babies in it? Because I read that sometimes these experiences run through your mind as you sleep because your brain is replaying it. It’s sometimes coincidental with something or someone that happened that day or even earlier that week. You had me cracking up when you said you thought about breast feeding the baby. I’m sorry, but I had to laugh…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I was thinking of going onto Trazadone to help me sleep. I’ve heard that it knocks you out. But the Xanax works beautifully, so I’m happy with it. I hear what you say about not reading too much into my dreams, and I usually don’t. But every now and again, I know that that specific dream has a meaning… Something that I need to work through and is important enough to dissect with my therapist. I didn’t watch any TV shows or read or heard, that would qualify for that dream. It was one of those dreams that stem from situations in my past and present, so it’s one of those that’s important to dissect.


  2. Hey Rayne!
    What an unsettling dream. Like I told Sirena earlier, sometimes it’s best not to read too much into dreams – like the comment above me, it’s true that sometimes dreams can just be dreams and nothing more. However, when reading your dream, a possible interpretation became very clear to me. You kept trying to take care of this baby who was desperately in need, and no one would help you!! Not your parents, not strangers. And you wanted to help her, but simply didn’t have the resources. It’s heartbreaking.
    Do you think the baby in the dream could be the little parts of you, the inner child, that is hurting? That other people don’t seem to see, and that you want to take care of, but aren’t quite sure yet how?
    Maybe I’m totally missing the mark, but if that interpretation sounds right to you, then it makes me happy that you were trying to advocate for the baby. You were looking for resources to help it yourself. It’s okay if you don’t have them yet. You didn’t just abandon the baby. Like I said, you were advocating for it. And whether or not that baby is your inner child… it’s beautiful that you were doing that. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Lily. I think your interpretation is spot on. I also got something like that from this dream. Most dreams are just that, dreams, and nothing to read into, so I never even bother with those. But this one was one of those that you know you can’t ignore and has a deeper meaning… Something that needs to be dissected, and worked through with our therapists… It has valuable information. Most of my dreams don’t really affect me, but one’s like this, feel important and not to be ignored. Thanks for sharing your views on it. 🙂


  3. That’s a really meaningful dream! I imagine it has something to do with you feeling out of it, although sometimes when I sleep too much, I also feel like I can’t really wake up. Since I was diagnosed with RA, I sleep about 10-12 hours a night. I hope you feel better tomorrow ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It really was a meaningful dream, and I still feel like there’s something I need to work through with regards to this one. I meant to bring it up in therapy, but it hasn’t felt like the right time. I still feel like this dream is “unfinished business” so I know it will come up when I’m ready.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I really think its a powerful dream that shows how much more aware you are of your inner child. Like so many of us who didn’t learn how to nourish ourselves the dream is showing your plight and how now you are trying and looking everywhere. But the baby took a deep breath and you connected to that, so that is positive. I am glad you are sleeping even if you are sleeping too long maybe its all part of the process. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m also an absolute nightmare when I first wake up. I need at least half an hour to get used to the fact that I am indeed awake.

    I take Xanax to help me sleep too. I find that I dream way more when I take it. Hope you got some good rest 💛

    Liked by 1 person

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