So Frustrated!

I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Usually when I’ve been in a happy space, it’s lasted a maximum of three days. But this time it’s been eight. A record! I have a new lady in my life, and I’ve never felt the way I feel about her with anyone else… ever. She’s such an amazing gift, and I’m falling hard.

The day started off beautifully, when Elizabeth (my new girlfriend- not her real name obviously) sent me a good morning voice note. It was such a lovely way to wake up. A little later, the first thing went wrong, and that just sent me spiraling down. If I’m honest though, it started last night in group.

I couldn’t wait for group. I had planned to go in and share how much of a good space I’ve been in. I was excited to share. I even offered to go first. But that just flew out the window once I started talking. We had to tell the group something that we’re grateful for. So I told them that I’m grateful that I’ve been in such a happy space lately. I wanted to explain why I’ve been so happy, but then it happened. My mind just went blank. And I ended by throwing in “and I’m grateful for this coffee- my weekly treat”, and that was the end of that. I was left wondering “what the fuck just happened?”

I thought I was making progress by being more open in group, but apparently I’m not doing as well as I thought. Why couldn’t I say what I wanted to? After the group, I stayed behind with two of the other ladies, and I was in high spirits and a mischievous mood. It was fun. And I managed to tell them what I wanted to say in group. It seems I’m okay with opening up to two or three people at a time, but no more than that. Driving home I just started beating myself up again. I was so pissed off. How fucking hard can it be to talk in front of a group of people I know, and who I know won’t judge?! Sure, from time to time, I can throw in my two cents when someone else has shared something, but I still struggle with communicating during those times too. I don’t complete my thoughts, and stumble over my words.

I’m so over this shit! I don’t want to go to group anymore. But I know that’s not going to solve anything. I have somewhat of a bond with some of those people, so it’s nice to see them every week. Dammit! I need to do this thing! But how the hell do I get around this group social anxiety thing?

Today is a shit day. So many things are going wrong. I’m moody and just want to stay in my room and sulk. The only exception is seeing my new lady. I’m seeing her tonight (she got us tickets for an event), which I can’t wait for. I can’t wait to see her again. But for now, I’m pissed off with a lot of things, and so fucking frustrated. It’s not even 11am yet, and I’m already over this day.

I listen to Elizabeth’s voice note and it soothes my nervous system for a while. So that’s keeping me (relatively) sane. Just thinking of her calms me down when I feel I’m going to spit venom at someone… People are especially annoying today.

I’m feeling a little disconnected from my therapist as well. Actually going to send her a text after I post this.

Writing this post has actually helped. I feel a little better. I love my blog, it’s so therapeutic. And I love you guys as well.