Death Wish

I didn’t spot you there in the shadows
Until it was too late
You’ve descended upon me once again
And I’m left wondering…
Where did you come from?
Why are you here?

Your presence is uninvited
But you don’t care, do you?
You just want to make yourself heard
No matter the agony you cause inside
Throwing as much darkness at me
As you can.

You’re my death wish.

Suicidal ideation has overtaken me once again. Driving to a business meeting earlier today, I suddenly thought of Jasmine and felt an ache in my heart. I miss her. So fucking much. I don’t know what’s more powerful… The anger I feel towards her, or the hurt.

As “luck” would have it, once I had settled into my seat at the coffee shop, my business partner told me that she had met up with Jasmine for breakfast over the weekend (they’re friends), and proceeded to tell me about it. I felt the tears come, and I tried my hardest to hold them back. But it didn’t work. I managed to stop pretty quickly at least. She’s one of those people who are uncomfortable around emotions.

It’s not just this whole thing with Jasmine. It’s work. It’s my financial and living situation. Life is exhausting.

I know I can talk to Elizabeth, but I don’t want to bother her. She has a lot on her mind at the moment what with work and studies, and I don’t want to add any more stress to her life. This is my problem, I need to deal with it alone. And one way I’m doing this is by writing here. I hope it’s enough.

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13 thoughts on “Death Wish

  1. We can grieve some losses for so many years and maybe they never fully end. I have a sense wanting to die is wanting not to feel a deluge of pain that is calling to us and rising up from the unconscious. I am so glad you got to shed those tears with someone.

    Did you know one of the results of emotional neglect is feeling that if you share with others you will burden them?. I am just mentioning it as I feel it is good to talk even though others cant do anything, they can be there and care. Thats not meant as advice as you know what to do for you and it may feel right to keep it inside. Only you can know <3.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You’re right… Some losses are grieved for a long time and never seem to actually end. My grandmother is one of those, as she was the only person who’s love for me I never once doubted.

      I know the best thing for us is to talk to trusted others, but like you say, that feeling of burdening others is front and centre for me. I’m still working on that. At least I know I can always talk to my therapist about anything. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so so sorry for the amount of pain you’re in right now Rayne. I wish I could come give you a hug (if you want one). I agree with the commenter above. I know you are hesitant to talk to Elizabeth because you don’t want to burden her, but the underlying reason for not wanting to burden her is that you’re afraid if you do, she’ll leave. This may have been your experience in the past; it’s true that as people with BPD almost all of us have lost relationships over becoming too emotionally involved with or dependent on someone. But as they say in DBT, there is a “middle ground.” You can still share with Elizabeth without consuming her (or being consumed by her). I think that she would want to support you, just as you want to support her. I don’t want to sound too DBT-ish, but I think that checking the facts on this one (and using GIVE with Elizabeth) could maybe help?
    Ugh, I’ll stop with DBT now. I’m glad you’re writing at least – we’re all here for you. 💗 much love xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “I know you are hesitant to talk to Elizabeth because you don’t want to burden her, but the underlying reason for not wanting to burden her is that you’re afraid if you do, she’ll leave.” You hit the nail on the head with that one. I DID end up calling her, and I’m glad I did. 🙂

      Like

  3. (And by checking the facts I don’t mean saying “you’re wrong,” I mean going through the DBT process of thinking about how Elizabeth has related to you in the past (with care), validating why you are hesitant to share, etc… I’m just afraid that “emotion mind” is telling you that you need to do this all without support and while I understand exactly where you’re coming from, I don’t think it’s true. You deserve so much love and support. I know it’s hard to believe, so that’s why I’m telling you, even though you may logically know it) 😘

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Its interesting as `the facts` we are responding to are associations in the younger or so often projected vulnerable part of us being triggered by a situation now which may seem familiar but is being projected upon by that inner child. So there is mix between `the facts` and how we interpret them when we have known a series of abandonments in the past, it is natural you would feel the way you are. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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