Let Me Disappear

Right now I just want to disappear. I’m feeling overwhelmed, which is strange, since there isn’t actually anything that justifies having this feeling. I’m on leave until early January. I’ve finished up all the client projects I’ve been working on. Done and dusted. Yet, I feel this sense of dread. Impending doom. Why? I can’t consciously find a reason for this one either.

Things just don’t feel right. I want to take my whole batch of Quetiapine and just sleep for as long as it will allow. I’m at that place again where I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to die either. I don’t know what I want.

I just don’t want… this. Whatever the hell “this” is.

Advertisements

26 thoughts on “Let Me Disappear

  1. Could it be that it is actually because now there is no work to do? No distraction from whatever emptiness you may feel otherwise?

    Or that the lack of work causes the feeling of emptiness?

    Maybe a subconscious thought that if there’s no work, there’s no purpose? Or no money…which can cause fear of not being able to provide the basic necessities for self.

    Not saying any of its rational.

    No doubt your work has provided enough so that you can afford to take time off, just kind of going through possible scenarios because since you are not sure where this is coming from, it’s apparently in the subconscious.

    I’m also not assuming that you feel emptiness when you’re not working, or any other time for that matter, just thinking of possibilities and asking. Trying to tread lightly, since I don’t know you but also wanting to help.

    My questions don’t require answers. They are just meant to be thought provoking and hopefully helpful in some way.

    I hope you feel better soon though.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your comment, and the questions. I find these kinds of comments valuable.

      I’m still doing some work on my business since it’s quite new, so I’m not completely without work. I’m enjoying it though, as there’s no rush to get it done. I enjoy my down time… I actually need a lot of that in my life, which is why a normal 8-5 job doesn’t work for me. I think the way I’ve been feeling has a lot to do with the time of year as well. A long year, and the stress of the season. I struggle emotionally during December. But I think the whole “emptiness” thing you suggested does ring true as well.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh gosh, yes! December is a tough month for me as well. I feel like I assumed a lot from your post lol. The holiday thing would explain it all quite frankly. I am really emotional at this time of year.

        It’s so cool that you like your work so much. That really does make a big difference in life in general.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. All things eventually pass… And then begin again. It’s a vicious cycle. Guess the best we can do is just ride the waves. I’m also wondering whether moments like these, where we aren’t sure why we’re feeling a certain way, may be moments of emotional flashbacks. Just read an article on that this morning, and it makes sense.

      Like

      1. You definitely may be onto something with the emotional memories. I’ve been reading The Neuroscience of Human Relationships which talks a lot about our implicit memories. It makes so much sense that those of us with trauma would have issues this time of year for whatever reason. Imposed family time, feelings of guilt (being too much or not enough), feeling like boundaries are more fragile, the (social) economy of gift giving, etc. So many possibilities.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. That sounds like an interesting book… Will have to read it sometime. Oh gosh, yes the gift thing causes so much anxiety. I actually don’t like getting gifts during this time… It seems less of a “I want you to have this” than a “I had to get you something because it’s what’s supposed to happen this time of year”. Glad that part is over, lol.

          Like

  2. I know this feeling too and I can never figure it out either. I think it’s just part of living with mental illness and trauma. Sometimes it’s worse for me when I have too much free time, like I’m lost and don’t know what to do with myself. It sucks! Hopefully it will pass, just try to take it slow and be gentle with yourself. Sending you my love and wishes for peace ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Why does this come? I like answers so i can figure what triggered this and what can i avoid to keep this dread from coming again. Yet some thins i dont know and have to let it be. I typically distract myself as best i can if i cant figure the source.
    Hoping it passes soon. Ive been a bit stuck in the dread for a month now

    Liked by 1 person

What's on your mind?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s