Posted on in Borderline Personality Disorder

Losing Control

I’m fed up. The year has only begun, yet it feels like December all over again.

I’m tired, stressed, and overwhelmed. January is a terrible time financially for most people. I’m feeling the pain of being broke right about now, and having debit orders bounce. I’m also having some family issues, and on the verge of just taking my shit and getting the hell out of here. Right now, Elizabeth is the only reason I haven’t given up on life.

My therapist is only back on the 8th, and we hadn’t set up a session before she left. I’m so pissed off with myself over that. I was so fucking stupid!

I’m struggling like hell to just get through today in one piece. I can feel certain parts stirring, wanting to get out and be let loose. Don’t know if I can control one of them in particular, who is dangerously close.

19 thoughts on “Losing Control”

  1. Sounds like you desperately need space from your family! I am so sorry things aren’t moving faster, so you can move out! You have done incredibly well putting up with everything this long..Be kind to yourself..Could you stay with Elizabeth at her house tonight? x Hugs

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    1. Thanks Athina. I really need to get out of that place this year… I’m hoping that will happen. I stayed with Elizabeth the night I wrote this, and it was a lifesaver. xx

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  2. Have you reached out to your therapist to see what’s the soonest availability? I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time right now. January is a crap month. December is also a crap month. But try to be gentle with yourself. Maybe there is something you can do as a distraction that gives you some kind of joy? (I’ve been doing a ton of coloring). Idk. But I hope things start looking up for you soon.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I sent my therapist a new year message, but didn’t ask for any sessions. She replied to my message and said “see you soon”, so that really helped. I’ll contact her when she’s back in the office on the 8th… I’ll be fine until then. 🙂

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  4. Apparently 592 people are on record as being in your corner. Have things ever been worse? Sometimes it helps to remember that you are still here and how you managed through the muck.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I can really empathise with that desire just to want to bust loose and get away and my heart goes out to you at the moment. Just remember you may have been caught up and not thinking straight about setting up that extra appointment. Sometimes we have to fail or make mistakes to learn to take better care. Try not to beat yourself up. You made huge progress last year, that said I feel its only natural you would be feeling so frustrated. Could you journal from that part to let out what it wants to say or do in imagination so it has a voice and a way ‘out’. Sending you love, hugs and encouragement. ❤

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  6. I’m really glad you have Elizabeth. I am so sorry that things are so low now. January DOES suck. I was doing well and then boom crash and burn in january.
    Thinking of you. Know I am thinking of you through this time.
    Hopefully even though you didn’t make the apt you can as soon as she is back and she willl know you need to see her asap.

    Liked by 1 person

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