I don’t know what’s going on with me lately.
On the one hand I’m okay. On the other, I’m suffering. It’s like I’m two different people in different moments during the day and night. Each person with her own unique feelings and experiences. I don’t know which one is the real me. Which are the true emotions and thoughts. I can say I’m happy, but that deep inside I’m actually sad. But that doesn’t feel true. It doesn’t feel like I’m hiding parts of myself. It feels like I’m literally fragmented into two totally different people. With different memories and moods. The same memories I’ve always had (and some I can’t “see” but there’s something there), but depending on who I am in a specific moment is what memories I’m dealing with. I don’t know if this makes sense?
I also find that I can’t talk about it. I can’t tell Elizabeth what’s going on. There just aren’t words. One part of me feels loved and supported (by my therapist and Elizabeth for example), while the other feels utterly alone, damaged, and unstable. It’s complicated. I don’t understand it, so how can I expect anyone else to?
Maybe tomorrow when I wake up things will be back to “normal”. This is horrible.