Two Sides

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I don’t know what’s going on with me lately.

On the one hand I’m okay. On the other, I’m suffering. It’s like I’m two different people in different moments during the day and night. Each person with her own unique feelings and experiences. I don’t know which one is the real me. Which are the true emotions and thoughts. I can say I’m happy, but that deep inside I’m actually sad. But that doesn’t feel true. It doesn’t feel like I’m hiding parts of myself. It feels like I’m literally fragmented into two totally different people. With different memories and moods. The same memories I’ve always had (and some I can’t “see” but there’s something there), but depending on who I am in a specific moment is what memories I’m dealing with. I don’t know if this makes sense?

I also find that I can’t talk about it. I can’t tell Elizabeth what’s going on. There just aren’t words. One part of me feels loved and supported (by my therapist and Elizabeth for example), while the other feels utterly alone, damaged, and unstable. It’s complicated. I don’t understand it, so how can I expect anyone else to?

Maybe tomorrow when I wake up things will be back to “normal”. This is horrible.

13 thoughts on “Two Sides

  1. I deeply appreciate you doing your best to share what is going on. I can relate to the loss of words. No words can accurately describe any of it. I have found being with it as fully as possible solitary/silent aware of the sensations in my body letting the thoughts go, fully experiencing what is happening. It is excruciating but enlightening as, for me anyway, it passes like a cloud. Mine have moderated but are still there just like the tides they’re just not storms vs placid on a rocky shore, more like a nice beach with a pleasant surf

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I dont know if this is any consolation but lately I too, have been feeling just this way. Yesterday I saw someone who knew my Mum and offered me empathy and I just dissolved into sadness for a few hours in the afternoon, up til then I was feeling happy, light and bright. I wondered if that later person was ‘real’ but I do believe we are not meant to just be ‘normal’ whatever that is, we do have different dimensions and yes, layers to our being and consciousness and we can move between them. It doesnt make any of it unreal but it may seem that way. If you think about it a lot of people split off parts of themselves, but we are making a relationship with all of it so we go through this as we become more aware, at least that is my take on what you have shared. I love who you are and I dont know if you would be half as interesting if you were so called ‘normal’, ❤ ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  3. bethanyk

    I wonder if you connect, in a moment, to an age where you felt alone. Maybe something is triggering the different emotions.
    I am the same though and cannot cope or calm or reason with myself at all today.so frustrating.

    Liked by 1 person

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