Now I’m Ready

I’m glad I went to group tonight.

It was lovely seeing so many familiar faces. Despite it all, I still feel at home at the clinic, which surprised me tonight. My favourite OT, D was leading the group tonight. I shut myself off from her in the beginning. I didn’t even look at her. In those moments I couldn’t even remember why I liked her, and attached to her in the first place. But as time went on, and with every word she said, I felt my heart start to thaw. And when I caught her eye and she smiled, all the negative feelings I had toward her just melted away. In that moment, she was perfect again. A classic case of devaluation and idealization. That’s one aspect of myself that I can’t stand.

After the break the OT brought up the ‘new plan’ for the group again. Especially for the three new people who were there… Explaining how the group works. I decided to speak up. Sometime during group I had realized that I’m okay with it coming to an end. That I was going to be okay. But I knew the other two regular ladies were still having a hard time with it, and didn’t agree with the decision. So when I spoke up, I shared how the news had affected me, and how I have been feeling about the team’s decision. I was at peace after that. I felt I had been assertive and spoken clearly. Trying to advocate not for myself anymore at one point, but for the other two ladies who are still struggling. I felt heard and respected by the OT. And I feel empowered.

She told us how hard the decision had been, and that they had taken into account those things we had mentioned and explained their decision a little better than the psychologist had. There’s nothing I can do to change their decision. All I can do is accept it, which I now have done. I also made a decision, and have spoken to the other two ladies about it, and also mentioned it to D. I’m going to start a new group for the three of us. My therapist had actually once suggested I start my own group. It will start off with only us three “regulars”, but that’s fine. They’re on board and happy with the idea, so the only thing that remains is to find a safe and confidential space to meet every week. Or maybe we’ll just start off with twice a month for now, starting middle February, once our time at current group is up.

D reminded me how during the first few months of group, I had barely said a word, and now I was talking and opening up confidently. This group has been really good for me. I’ve learned a lot. I’ve grown. Now it’s time to enter the next stage of life.

I’m ready…

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16 thoughts on “Now I’m Ready

  1. Wow this is a great post and I hadn’t even thought about you and others getting together on your own
    We’re not meant to do it alone
    I look forward to reading more about your experience with this. I am sure there will be things to get figured out but the power of being joined by a common cause will prevail.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Good for you, Rayne! I wonder, too, whether the decision was unanimous among the clinicians? I suppose the result is the same, either way. Your response, to make lemonade out of lemons, is to be congratulated.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Ryne, I’m new to this whole blogging thing. I’m still working on my shyness about reaching out. But I was struck by your frustration with the idealization/devaluation struggle. There’s so much about your blog that I can really appreciate but I just wanted to highlight that for now. I plan on reading more of your blog. It’s great to read the accounts of people who understand what it’s like to live with BPD. Have a great day!

    Liked by 1 person

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