A Bad Weekend

Standard

One of the criteria in the DSM for Borderline PD:

9. TRANSIENT, STRESS-RELATED PARANOID IDEAS OR SEVERE DISSOCIATIVE SYMPTOMS.

I posted a “poem” the other day (can’t remember when exactly), and removed it at some point. I kept thinking that the person that post was inspired by would somehow come across it. Actually, I was convinced that would be the case.

How do I know when I’m in a highly stressed and mental health crisis state? That right there. The paranoid thoughts. Lots of them, most of which don’t actually even make sense. Heavy dissociation too. Where I can’t remember certain times of the day. It’s either a blur or a complete blank. That’s how this weekend has been for me.

Shutting myself away from the world has seemed like the only way to stay safe. I got an invitation to go out with one of the woman from group and her friends yesterday, but the thought of being with a group of people I have never met before filled me with extreme anxiety. Even the thought got me close to a panic attack. The next instant though, I just shut down. A numbness set in. Apathy. “No, I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t care about anything anymore.” Another reason I didn’t want to go out with this particular person is because being around her for too long tends to drain me. And it was going to be a full day outing. So I don’t think I would have gone even if I had been feeling fine.

I don’t feel safe. Meaning, I feel a constant threat hanging around me. The world feels dangerous. People feel dangerous right now. I went to the shop yesterday to get some stuff, and PTSD traits were raging.

I can’t begin to explain how I felt yesterday. All I can say is that it felt like torture. I just wanted to peel the skin from my body, slice my head open and remove my brain, kind of torture. I thought I was going crazy. I tried to distract myself and do some self-soothing, but that didn’t work too well either. I wanted a hug from my therapist. I feel safe with her. I wanted Elizabeth too, I missed her. But the relationship feels a little fragile and unstable at the moment, so maybe it’s good that we didn’t see one another this weekend (I’m seeing her tonight at least though). I’ve been feeling really lonely. What I wouldn’t give to just have someone around when I’m going through these “crisis” moments. I read blogs by some of you about how wonderful a certain person was during a moment like this, and how much it helped, and I must admit… I get a little sad and jealous when I read these things. I’m glad some people have that, I just wish I could experience this too.

I’m still feeling fragile today, but it’s not as bad as it was over the weekend, which I’m grateful for.

There are just so many things going on. I wish I could sleep for a few weeks (been struggling to sleep lately).  Life is exhausting right now.

15 thoughts on “A Bad Weekend

  1. Rayne we are in a powerful eclipse energy at the moment and I read a post on it that said its best to stay alone and just listen to all that pain in your heart rather than be out amongst people. Lunar eclipses bring all of this up to be seen. I dont like to give advice but try just to witness it as passing through or showing you something. I have a partially completed post on the Leo Lunar eclipse I havent managed to post yet but it said this is the time we will feel very sensitive. So take care of yourself and try not to believe any of the nasty thoughts. ❤ ❤ Eclipse is exact at sometime on Wednesday and the Moon is extra close to the earth at present.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Hi Deborah. I’m not sure I believe in astrology, but I DO find it interesting. One question: When the hell will the ‘bad patch’ be over? It seems it never is. Like it’s just one thing after another. Are there ever any “good” things happening with the planets/eclipse energy, and when do these things usually happen? Will be interesting to notice a pattern. I’m so tired of being sensitive, lol.

      Liked by 1 person

      • But Rayne you are as you are so you have to try to find a way to love it. I get what you mean and its fair enough not to beleive in astrology but our bodies are over 90 percent water and subject to gravitational force fields within, we are part of nature, not removed from it. Why are so many sensitive people suffering more and more as the earth is being abused, we are all part of it. There isnt a way out but we have to try the best we can to love ourselves and take care of our precious souls. xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry you’re having such a rough time. I know we are in different countries (if I remember correctly) but you can always, always email me (katie@herpatchworkheart.com) and we could figure out a way to message or video chat or something. I know I am still a stranger but I’m here. I know how it feels, to feel alone through a crisis.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. summerSHINES

    I’m so like how you describe yourself as xx I regret not being in touch with you more. I’m feeling very insular myself and thinking what the fuck is the point of living when it hurts this bad.😩 I’m also massively lonely. 😔😔 It’s so sad that we both feel this but reading your post helps me feel a tiny bit less alone xx 💜💜

    Liked by 2 people

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