Relationship Confusion

I’ve been confused, anxious, and depressed lately, and just wanted some opinions, and other’s perspectives on a situation.

For the past few weeks things have felt very unstable in my relationship with Elizabeth. Late last week, I thought we had worked through everything. But the past few days it seems nothing has really changed, and is maybe becoming worse.

There have been a few good moments, but they don’t seem to last, and feel like they’re coming fewer and further between.

I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around her. Even over text and on the phone. I’m almost constantly scared that I say or do the wrong thing, and she’ll be upset. It seems she’s becoming more and more irritated and sensitive to everything I say and do… Even my facial expressions. I’ve explained that sometimes what she thinks she sees in my expression isn’t actually what I’m thinking. She assumes the negative quickly.

I don’t need much in a relationship to be happy. I just want to feel secure, loved, and like I matter. Isn’t that what everyone needs from a relationship? I thrive on intimacy. Meaningful conversation and physical affection (as simple as holding my hand or a hug) is important to me.

Lately, I’ve been feeling insecure in the relationship. I don’t know where I stand with Elizabeth. Just when I think everything is fine, one small thing can shatter that “illusion” and I’m left feeling confused.

Elizabeth has GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), so she gets overwhelmed easily. I can understand that to a certain extent. I also get overwhelmed easily. But I don’t let that interfere too much with the relationship. I don’t let it change the way I treat her. I’ve been wondering whether I’m too much for her. I try not to be. I give her space when she needs it. We see one another once, sometimes twice a week, and I try to limit my texts to her.

She seems cold towards me sometimes. And it feels as though I can’t do anything right. That so many things irritate her and I never know whether something I say, do, or even a facial expression, is going to make her get irritated with me and pull away. I’m scared to ask for a hug when I feel I could really use one, because she might not be “feeling it”, and she told me that when she’s anxious or in a bad space, she doesn’t want to feel obligated to give me something I need, because when she does that, then it feels like she’s not being true to herself. She needs to take care of herself. I get that. I told her last week that when she pulls away from me it feels like I’m being punished, but she said that’s not what she’s doing… She just needs me to respect her need for space then.

I’m even too scared to hold her hand when we’re walking, or cuddle up to her when we’re watching a movie, because she’s made it clear that when she’s not “feeling it” she doesn’t want to show or accept affection… And it feels like she’s at that place most of the time lately. It seems like affection is only okay when she feels it’s okay. It’s not about me… Her needs and wants come first. If she’s going through a hard time, I try to be as supportive as possible, and am willing to put aside my own struggles for a while in order to be there for her. But she told me she can’t do that for me. That it overwhelms her and makes her resentful.

The worst thing is that the more she pulls away, the more insecure I get. But I’m going to try not to make that known, so she doesn’t feel overwhelmed and miserable in the relationship. But how do you know when you get to the point where you’re giving up your own needs and wants just to make sure that your partner is happy in the relationship? Or whether you really are the problem and your needs/wants are just unrealistic? Maybe I’ll get used to things this way and won’t feel as insecure, because she’ll be more affectionate again? Maybe I’m just too sensitive, and by just going with “the flow” I’ll become less sensitive over time?

If I don’t do or say anything that day that irritates her, or makes her feel “bad”, then she’s affectionate. I’m scared every time I have a quick reaction to something she did or didn’t do, or something she said, that she’ll see it on my face, and I know that pisses her off. Even if I don’t say anything. Just the look on my face is enough for her. And then for the rest of the day she seems cold towards me. Is this normal? It doesn’t feel normal, but then again, I’m not too sure what’s normal in a relationship and what’s not.

I’m doubting myself a lot lately. Wondering whether the problems in the relationship is all just me. That maybe I’m just too much. Maybe I just need to change? I’ve made some changes already, and she’s acknowledged that I’m trying and have been doing better. But it still seems as though I mess up more than I should, and that now she’s even more hyper aware of every little thing.

The last evening I spent with her was on Monday, and usually we always say goodnight with a kiss. That night she didn’t. I wanted to kiss her, but I could sense she didn’t want that, as she had already said goodnight and turned around. When we were saying goodbye on Tuesday morning, she gave me a hug (again, no kiss), but the hug felt distant and cold. I have no idea what I did wrong. The rest of the day (yesterday) she seemed cold over text as well. It still doesn’t feel right today. But maybe it’s just my imagination.

I’m going to try to be better. I think that maybe if I just hide it better when I feel overlooked, hurt, or upset, that maybe things will be better. That I need to be more considerate maybe.

I don’t talk about this to my friends because I don’t want them to treat her any differently (they like her), and I feel a bit of shame for how I’m feeling only 6 months into the relationship. So I thought I’d post this here and see what you guys think?

Please keep in mind that these are my feelings, thoughts, and perspective on the relationship. So you won’t know how things are from her perspective. There are probably other factors involved as well.

25 thoughts on “Relationship Confusion

  1. It sounds to me like you are being forced to contain her anxiety, Rayne and a lot like an avoidant pattern with Elizabeth which is the only way she feel safe. As relationships progress sometimes its harder and harder for those with trauma/attachment anxiety to open up and withholding is never something about you but about that person though they may find fault to deflect from the truth. I am worried as you taking it on is not good for you and its not fair. There is a distancer pursuer pattern dont know if you have heard about it but Pia Meloldy addresses it in her book on Love Addiction. Take care of yourself because you worth that care. ❤

    Liked by 6 people

    1. Completely agree with Deborah’s comment here! There needs to be a healthy balance..It isn’t fair for you to not be able to be your true self! You are denying your needs for Elizabeth’s comfort and your feelings are getting overlooked due to her issues.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Rayne
    This evokes in me the belief I have about relationships. They can be like our breath or the tides. They expand and contract, hopefully over time getting closer, but sometimes not. Be yourself, ask for what you want being sure is more attractive than not scatter Love

    Liked by 2 people

  3. There’s no shame in genuinely exploring your feelings. Both partners in a relationship deserve to have their needs met, and if that’s not happening then there’s probably some work to be done in the relationship, not just in one individual in it.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. This sounds like such a difficult situation Rayne, I’m sorry you are going through it. My feeling is that a relationship needs to be mutually supportive. You give her what she needs, she should be able to give you what you need, you deserve that! It seems like it would be helpful to have another conversation as the last one didn’t really give you the answers you were needing. I also think it’s important to follow your gut instincts… They might be wrong, I know how our mental health issues can make our gut instincts distorted, but when it is interfering with your relationship, it needs to be discussed. I really hope everything works out. Sending you love and strength ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I used to always think that being in a relationship, when the person was like that I should be there for them extra and just put my own frustrations for not having that closeness with them aside and focus on what they needed. That was never the solution because it just means they need to work on themselves and very rarely will they ever go to do the work on themselves and if they do it takes a really long time for it to even stick. You deserve someone who has as much love and support to give to u as u do them, and you will find it! I know I did.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Just be honest and never hide who you are and how you feel. If it’s meant to be she will adjust and understand what you are saying. Talking in detain may even help her open up more and explain what is going on in her head. This is not your fault and blaming yourself will not help either of you. Being able to love and give her affection is a beautiful thing that can be tricky for some people to respond to. People are all different in how they express love and sometimes it needs a discussion of what is wanted out of the relationship for each of you. It is not just her relationship, it is both of yours and should feel equal x

    Liked by 2 people

  7. She is lucky to have her. Maybe you should allow her to read your blog or print it out so she can know your feelings. Sometimes we read too much or sometimes we know the answer but don’t want to face it. There is no other way but to be upfront. If she wants out, let her go. If your insecurity is the problem, now you know you have something to work on. Remember all relationships need work but communication has to be priority… take care
    Depressed Divorcee

    Liked by 2 people

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