Emotional Rollercoaster

Early morning: Had a nightmare that my girlfriend and I broke up. Woke up with a sigh of relief “whew, it was only a dream.”

A few minutes later: Wait, no, it wasn’t just a dream. A punch in the gut. Overpowering sadness and pain. Physical chest pain also present.

About an hour later: Numb. Dissociated. Thank goodness. Thought that pain was going to kill me. Literally. Can a person die from a broken heart? Like, can you actually get a heart attack from too much emotional pain in one go?

Late morning-afternoon: The truth hits again. I hate her. No, I love her. Dammit! I hate people. The human race sucks. Going to go live in the woods. Overwhelming rage. Panic and fear (can’t remember why). Feeling so stupid. What the hell is wrong with me? Despair: I’m useless. Worthless. Unlovable. They all left. Everyone leaves. Another breakdown. Dissociation again. Forget the next few hours.

Evening: Exhausted. Depressed. Going to take some pills and go to bed super early.

Now:
Just threw everything out of my closest. Time for some spring cleaning! Yay! I can take on the world right now, and WIN! I’m so fucking awesome! Riding the glorious wave of hypomania. Feeling so happy, I could burst.

Okay, now back to my cleaning. This room is a beautiful mess right now.

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15 thoughts on “Emotional Rollercoaster

  1. This post reminds me of this Rumi poem:
    The Guest House

    This being human is a guest house.
    Every morning a new arrival.

    A joy, a depression, a meanness,
    some momentary awareness comes
    as an unexpected visitor.

    Welcome and entertain them all!
    Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
    who violently sweep your house
    empty of its furniture,
    still, treat each guest honorably.
    He may be clearing you out
    for some new delight.

    The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
    meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

    Be grateful for whatever comes.
    because each has been sent
    as a guide from beyond.

    — Jellaludin Rumi

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Ups and downs ride them all processing something like this does require us to ride an emotional rollercoaster. I think getting active helps as it can take you out of your mind for a while. And there was a show on radio here today with a cardiologist and the truth is the heart is affected deeply by all the hormones we have to process under loss or stress. People are more likely to die in the first 30 days after they have lost a loved one. I dont say this to scare you but at times like this you need to take care of your heart hold yourself through it all. ❤ Its fing hard! But you will come through this.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so sorry Rayne. I hope that you can allow yourself the space to feel and grieve without the overwhelming pain or dissociation. It hurts when love and relationships end, but you WILL BE OK!!! Please take good care of you and be kind and compassionate to yourself. You deserve that!!!thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

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